August 11, 2013 at 5:18 pm #40203CarrieParticipant
Ok…would love some advice here… It’s been over 2 weeks since my break up. I suppose it does not really matter what the cause was at this point…it’s over. But I am struggling with my head…conjuring up images of him going out on dates and being all happy and content while I sit and struggle with the loss. Yes…I am meditating…sending loving kindness…reading good books…all of that stuff. But it’s like I have a broken record in my head of images of him and it’s exhausting. Right now when he comes to mind, I literally think of “Grumpy Cat” and a giant NO. But if there are other “tricks” or ideas anyone has…I am all ears! My mind is really effing me up right now!August 11, 2013 at 6:12 pm #40205AlexisParticipant
I am going through a break up as well. It has been slightly longer than yours, but it was a long relationship. I was planning on marrying him and that didn’t happen. Anyway, he recently told me that he has this “friend” and i felt that electric sting in my gut. Pangs of jealousy were hitting me and I realized that even though I still have some feelings for him that it is just best to wish him well. I really do wish nothing but happiness for him. He says that she is just a friend, but I still feel the pangs. So, I wrote, and managed to work it out to the best of my abilities. I had to decided if I was jealous over him having someone new, or if I was upset that he had someone before I did. It was hard to admit that the latter was the truth. I was jealous that he had someone before me. I decided, in that moment, that it’s OK that he has someone else and I don’t. He has the right to move on and it should have no barring on how I feel or what I do. I began thinking of happier things. Things that I wanted to do for me and me alone. Though the pangs hit at strange times, I feel pretty Ok with what’s happening in his life and my own and that we are on different paths. Mine is just a little slower than his.
I hope this helped a little. Light and Happiness!August 11, 2013 at 6:40 pm #40210MattParticipant
I’m sorry the cycling thoughts are racing for you now, and know how difficult moments like that can be. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
First is that its only been two weeks, which is a short amount of time. I know that when we’re in pain, minutes seem like hours and days seem like months. But time is still time, and healing takes time.
Second, it seems that you would do well to confront the way you want him to feel. You’re suffering, so perhaps you want him to suffer… as though it will make the pain you’re experiencing from the ending of the relationship justified, reasonable. This is normal, but the underlying anger that fuels it is also fueling the cycles. You said you’ve been sending loving kindness… what does that look like from your side? What specifically are you doing to “send” it? Perhaps you’re sending it by saying “love, release” with the same energy as the NO/grumpy cat? Some other way?
The reason I lean into that so much is because metta (loving-kindness) if cultivated correctly directly/usually relieves the pressure you’re suffering from, and dismantles the triggers such as imagining him happy leading to jealousy and anger. Perhaps you’re not actually holding metta in your body, or perhaps it is impatience as your body heals and grieves. Do-ers always make me smile when they are instructed to just “be” and they respond “OK, how do I do ‘being’?” Sometimes we just have to keep sitting as the storm clouds roll away.
Finally, it is not good to suppress such as yelling NO at your mind. That causes ripples, it does not “set aside”. It is like clamping down on a hose in the old cartoons, where a bulge builds up and explodes. When the mind is cycling, just notice “cycling” and move your attention to the touch of breath on your nostrils. The mind will pull attention back into the thoughts, and don’t get mad at the mind, just look at the nature of mind, notice the gravity. Then move back to the feeling of air in the nose.
Namaste. Rain falls, grass grows, crickets chirp, Carrie heals.
MattAugust 11, 2013 at 7:45 pm #40218CarrieParticipant
Thank you Alexis Matt for your wisdom and words.
Matt, I think you nailed it…I am impatient! I want so badly for this suffring to end. So I am trying and trying to supress and heal quickly. Obviously I need this process to run it’s course in it’s own time. Great advice on “cycling”…when It comes back I will be aware and try to just notice it and breathe through it. This is some very hard stuff for sure…I just look forward to the day when I can feel normal again. 🙂