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Getting over Ex

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  • September 16, 2014 at 9:11 am #64947
    Mark
    Participant

    Hello all, writing this because it feels like a great forum to get some stuff out. It’s been 2 years since my ex ended our relationship and I still feel pain from time to time. It’s gotten better over time but I don’t feel I should have any pain anymore.

    Some background, for various personal reasons, I hadn’t had a relationship in 10 years and barely dated. Then I met her at our gym and we started talking/dating. A month into it, my Mother’s cancer got very bad and she passed. My emotions were a rollercoaster of all these new relationship feelings and grieving for Mom. I got so wrapped up in the relationship that I grew to depend on it. As the months went on, some parts of my ex’s personality made me recoil and I didn’t feel totally comfortable communicating with her. I made some communication mistakes as well. 6 months into dating, things started to unravel and we drifted apart, however I was so dependent on it that was kind of in denial. She ended things, then I sent a long email trying to explain things and apologizing for not communicating better. She had no compassion and instead accused me of having no confidence, she also called me negative, pouty, pathetic-looking, and said she cant’ always be the strong one. This blew me away. I was so traumatized and dependent on her that I just let her dump on me and judge me.

    The next day after that, my Dad had a stroke and I had to leave town to help him. A few months after that, she started messaging me and we talked on a friendly level, but I still didn’t feel comfortable bringing up anything serious. I stopped talking to her but still felt the pain. A few months after I that I emailed her and finally stuck up for myself by telling her she was wrong to judge me and put me down, especially when I just lost a parent. She was very defensive and still wouldn’t own up to what she did to me. I said I needed closure and wished her luck.

    Earlier this summer I sent a quick just wishing her peace and happiness and sorry for anything I did to hurt her while we were dating. Never heard back, but felt good just to forgive her and wish her well. It was for more me than anything.

    I know from mutual friends that she has moved on and is dating. I know deep down she is not right for but want to not feel any sort of pain anymore. It’s helped just writing it out. Anyone out there have similar experiences?

    September 16, 2014 at 10:17 am #64956
    G
    Participant

    Greetings Mark,
    First off I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. I couldn’t imagine the pain you must have felt. Also, I hope your father’s health is better since his stroke. Those are some heavy hits to take so close together in time.

    That being said, I do have experience in what you’re talking about and it’s not easy and very confusing. Not sure if you wanted my take on your situation but I’ll give it to you, if you wish not to read it, I apologize in advance. I’m not a particularly religious guy but I always think of a passage that I hear read at weddings. I don’t know who wrote it or the whole thing but the gist of it is “love is always patient, love is always kind, love is never jealous etc etc”. I call on that idea when I hear my friends having relationship issues as well as my own past issues with a girl that was/is next to impossible to get over. If this girl was right for you she would have stuck it out. When you truly care for someone that’s just what you do. Imagine if you got diagnosed with cancer…do you think this person would stick around or would you become too much of a burden for them? I used that scenario for myself and figured the girl that I was hung up on probably wouldn’t have. Honestly Mark, it might not even be her that you’re holding on to..it’s most likely the sense of security you felt with her when you were going through one of the two toughest times a son can go through. I wouldn’t give her the credit of being this amazing girl…I would give a lot of credit to the idea that you turned her into. Again, this is just my opinion as I did the same thing for a very long time. Mark, you sound like an awesome guy who is caring, loving, sensitive and strong..if someone doesn’t recognize that in you, it’s not your fault. In my situation, I completely cut off contact with the girl. I was always tempted to reach out to her but I stopped myself, maybe try that out and see if it does anything for you. Hang in there buddy. You’re not the only one.

    -G

    September 16, 2014 at 12:30 pm #64987
    Mark
    Participant

    Thank you very much G, I very much appreciate what you wrote and for taking the time.

    It was indeed a perfect storm of terrible events in such a short time. And with the timing of Mom plus the relationship, I know now that I put her on a pedestal as something I needed to make me happy, especially during this grieving process. This whole situation has opened my eyes to some self-esteem and codependency issues I think I’ve had most of my life but just now realizing and working, so that is something good that came out of all this, self-awareness. Also, it was my 1st relationship so all those feelings I just got hooked on, and made some rookie mistakes.

    I completely agree with what you said about not actually missing her or thinking she is some amazing girl, it’s just the idea of her, and yes the security and validation I felt with her. Who she is specifically is not right for me, or even someone I want in my life. It just took a long time to realize that and let go, which means the dependency was just that strong. I agree no contact is the way to go. I’m just glad I got some closure, now I can continue moving on.

    Thanks again for all your kind words 🙂

    September 16, 2014 at 12:50 pm #64989
    Mark
    Participant

    Every now and then I’ll feel guilt about not properly processing and holding on for too long..but can’t change that now I guess, just learn from it.

    September 17, 2014 at 1:39 pm #65091
    Bina
    Participant

    Hello, I’m new to this forum. Not sure how it works. I’m also dealing with a breakup, and embarrassed about my old behavior. I to have to have no contact and look at myself and make some changes. There are certain things my ex did, but I still blame it all on myself.

    September 19, 2014 at 3:22 am #65208
    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Bina, it’s a completely natural reaction to blame yourself but you are just hurting. I would recommend the No Contact for some time. After time has gone by you’ll be able to look at things more impartially. Good luck!

    September 19, 2014 at 5:33 am #65216
    Jeroen
    Participant

    When your loved one breaks up with you, everybody starts to blame themselves. Doubting everything that happened in the relationship for the last couple of months. Howmuch of it was real? Howmuch was fake? Did he/she mend what he/she said to me? Were it all lies? Is it my fault? What did i do wrong? Where did it go wrong? Why am i not good enough?

    Then, you start to accept. Your still hurt, but you can put the pain away in a little box. It still hurts, but by time you will be able to look back from an objective perspective. Maybe you’ll never get the answers to your questions, but you will be able to live with ‘not knowing’. Its a hard process, and personally im not there yet. But i know/hope i will.

    September 22, 2014 at 1:37 pm #65368
    Mark
    Participant

    Thanks very much all for taking the time post your thoughts. These are very, very hard feelings and situations to deal with, but I guess we can’t expect life to always be easy.

    September 22, 2014 at 10:07 pm #65395
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Mark
    Yes I too am going through something similar. My ex ended our relationship a long time ago and I still hurt and feel anxiety from it. Just like you I tried to be nice and he only had mean things to say and was also defensive when I later brought it Up. I also tried to wish him the best and let him know I truly hope he finds happiness but the conversation didn’t go as planned. I even tried to start a new relationship but it didn’t work out because I am not healed from the last one. I think it’s normal for us to still feel some “grieving pains”.You had a lot of memories with your ex and not everyone can just move on to the next person like some people can. Allow yourself as much time as you need to get stronger and on the days I catch myself thinking of my ex too much or feeling bad and thinking about the “what if’s” I keep myself REALLY busy. Gym, go out with friends,organize my whole entire closet. ANYTHING HELPS. I think it’s just hard for you because during your loss you turned to her and now with your father’s health it has caused that feeling of wanting someone to turn to again so your ex pops up in your head and that’s ok. I’m sorry she said those unnecessary rude comments to you and you did not deserve it. I’m sorry she did not apologize for those words and behaved so cold but it’s all over now and in the past. That initial breakup feeling is already over and that’s the hardest part. Now all you can do is progress a little more every day. We are doing it together! 🙂

    September 23, 2014 at 7:47 am #65423
    Mark
    Participant

    Hey Becky, thank you very much for the very kind and thoughtful response 🙂 Our situations do sound similar. I try to stay busy as well, and journaling helps bring clarity when those negative thoughts pop in my head.

    The most frustrating/agonizing part is that deep down I know she doesn’t have the qualities I’m looking for in a partner, but I still will feel pain every now and then when I see an image in my head of her and her new boyfriend together. I know its all in my head but i sucks. I just try to remember that I don’t need or want anyone who would treat me the way she did. Also, most likely, she behaved this way before me and will continue after me until she deals with her own demons and issues. That helps too to not take what she did too personally.

    It seems like your ex has some emotional issues too, maybe, just by hearing your brief description.

    If you feel comfortable, feel free to email me, markkinzly@gmail.com, if not, no worries and I understand. Thanks again. I really appreciate it 🙂

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