5 weeks past. I never knew how really impatient I was until having to go thru this pain and healing. Time heals..xvery cliché but so very true. There’s no more to talk about with friends, as I have said it all numerous times. Sometimes I feel like I need to cry yet the tears won’t come. It is up to me to take control and do what is good for me. There are so many things that weren’t right about the relationship that I was willing to be blind to because I was afraid of losing him. We all have our faults and insecurities. I have them and so does he. While I hate what he did, I have to believe that he was trying to think of himself and what he needed to do. This is no way is showing forgiveness for it all. I haven’t totally grasped the “it’s over” part of it. There is still this one little part of me that is wondering if he will come back again. That does me no good to wonder. It only delays my moving forward. I use the word forward because saying moving on feels like I’m trying to forget him and the past. And I can’t do that. I am in no way over him yet and yes I still love him dearly. If I could just have the attitude that he doesn’t matter anymore I think I would have a lot more better days. I still miss him, the man I fell in love with, not the one the last 6 months we were together. I miss the fun and crazy times, his daughter, his dog. But I don’t miss the feeling I had everyday of being in limbo and afraid of saying anything to him about it. I don’t miss the feeling of being alone even when we were together.

This is my version of “Done” posted by SerCay. I hope you don’t mind that I followed this.

I’m done…

forcing myself to “get over it” right now rather than allow the necessary time to pass
thinking he is the only one for me and I will find nobody else
allowing myself to keep putting him on a pedestal
thinking about the new people he is going out with and that they are getting to do the things I was doing
thinking that he will change
thinking that I will never get to do all the things we did together because I’m struggling financially and he always paid for everything (then held the money thing over my head)
thinking that my hobbies of making quilts and drawing mandelas are stupid (because he made me feel that way)
being afraid of being out of my comfort zone
sitting around and waiting on things to happen for me rather than me taking charge and making them happen
wondering what he is feeling and doing
always remembering the good and not the bad
compromising myself and my happiness for what others want
accepting less than what I deserve from a person in a relationship
thinking I could have fixed the relationship
letting people into my life that can’t make me a priority (I was always 4th or 5th down on his list)
thinking my life is over because he’s gone