Home→Forums→Relationships→Girlfriend Broke up due to Stress/Depression
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August 17, 2017 at 1:00 pm #164456
CraigParticipantHi Everyone –
I’m just simply looking for some advice and candidly, some help on how to feel. My girlfriend and I would have been together for a year next week. We broke up two weeks ago after what was a great relationship. As little as a month ago she had showed me what type of engagement rings for when the time would have came. She watched my dogs and I found one of the dogs chewing on Bride magazines where she had marked dresses she liked.
The break up came suddenly although in the week leading up to it I could see her distancing her self. She is in her final semester of nursing school(Friday, Saturday and Sunday) and is also a single mom who works full time during the weeks. She has very little time off, frankly next to none. That being said, I never put pressure on her to see me or talk to me while studying. Even when we first met, i knew that i took a back seat to her son and even to school. I always viewed her schooling as a short term sacrifice. For whatever its worth, I am 30, she is 24 and this is truly her first adult relationship
When she finally told me that she was having doubts about us. She said she still loved me, she would be so jealous if i was with someone else and she wasn’t even sure if breaking up was what she wanted. She said I was more of a father to her son than she could ever dream of. She mentioned she believes she is depressed, doesn’t know who she is anymore. School is unbearable and she has no time to think. As we were ending the conversation, she was sobbing and just said she needs time, she needs a day off. She asked me to have the human decency to give her time to figure things out. After thinking about it, i told her i could give her time to get through school and the 7 day weeks to which said that’s what she needs. About a week later, she did send me a message thanking me for letting her find who she is. She’s mentioned she doesn’t know who she is what she wants or where she is going but needs to find that out for her self. She also said she doesn’t know how to stop feeling like she does. She just sounds lost and overwhelmed.
In the end, I do truly respect what she is doing. We barely communicate since the break up but every few days I do text to her to see how she is, how her son is or how school is. As hard as it is, i’m holding out hope that this is permanent. She is a very special woman and I love her and her son more than words to describe.
Any advice on how to support her as well as support myself until the time comes would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you,
Craig
August 18, 2017 at 6:42 am #164546
CraigParticipantHi Craig,
Mmm, sounds painful, for you both. You asked how to support her as well as support yourself. Taking care of yourself is especially important right now. These ideas may seem trite, but I think they’ll help – be sure to eat well, exercise, do things for fun, and stay connected and talking with your friends and family. I suggest also that you read about clinger/avoider and prevalidation/validation on Al Turtle’s website.
It sounds like you’re approaching this smartly. Be available to your ex, but be cautious about putting yourself in her orbit more than is welcomed. You might think of her as a timid, even frightened, deer, at the edge of a forest, and you are trying to entice her out with a delicious food. What is this food? It can vary a lot by circumstance, but I suggest in this case, your ex may need to be listened to and heard, and validated that whatever experience she is having, it is real for her. If you are able to help her process her thoughts and feelings – within the limits she sets – your level of importance to her increases significantly.
And maybe it doesn’t need to be said, but I will: remember that you can’t fix her or change her, but you can help her to help herself – if she lets you.
Best,
Another Craig
August 18, 2017 at 7:03 am #164558
AnonymousGuestDear Craig (Original Poster):
I am wondering, since she looked at brides magazines and pointed out engagement rings to you, does it mean marriage was discussed?
If the two of you discussed marriage, did you talk about her maybe working less than full time and spending more time with her son while finishing nursing school (a practical solution perhaps to her overwhelming schedule)?
anita
August 18, 2017 at 8:21 am #164568CraigParticipantHi “Another” Craig and Anita – Thanks for reaching out. I looked at the Al Turtles site and will look more this weekend. I think at first glance, i am a clinger and she is an avoider. I am not clingy, don’t beg for attention but mentally, i do want it. It makes me feel good. I know that when she gets stressed she pushes away everyone, family included and has always been that way. She isolates herself. Whats interesting though is she didn’t have a bad childhood, she has a wonderful family. What’s been difficult for me is I viewed her as a incredibly strong woman. Her pregnancy was inadvertent and a few weeks after she had her son, she was diagnosed with cancer. She underwent 9 months of chemo and beat it. Seeing her struggle with the stress and anxiety of school, and pushing everyone away is hard to grasp. Maybe that isn’t fair of me to put her in the light but if she can beat cancer, in my eyes, she can do anything. Unfortunately, the mind doesn’t work that way I guess.
Anita – We talked about long term plans, getting engaged at some point in the next year, the fact that she wanted to have another kid in the next few years. So yes, quite a lot. We talked about moving in after she finished school when she is done late next month.. A couple months ago, we emptied her storage unit and moved it all to my house in anticipation of her and her son moving in after she graduates. She currently lives with her parents who help with her son. In hindsight, maybe that is something i should have suggested. As of today though, i don’t think i could. She has reiterated how lost she feels, how helpless she feels and how she needs to find herself. She knows she needs to see someone to work through this but says she doesn’t have time with school. Part of me wonders if it got too real and then that compounded with stress scared her.
Craig
August 18, 2017 at 8:26 am #164570AnonymousGuestDear Craig:
Her schedule, her past and present stressors read overwhelming to me. At one point, I figure, she perceived her relationship with you as adding to her stress, not relieving it. Do you think so?
You wrote: “it got to real” for her, what do you mean by it?
anita
August 18, 2017 at 8:40 am #164572CraigParticipantAnita – I do think that the pressure to try to balance everything did stress her out and i wasn’t a relief. She couldn’t quit school, she can’t stop being a mom and she can’t stop working, so cutting me out gave her some control. She made a comment that when she gets stressed she tries to pick little fights and she didn’t want to do that to me. I guess i should mention that i was in a very unhealthy relationship prior to her. My ex-finance became a new person immediately after we got engaged. She was later diagnosed with PTSD and Borderline Personality disorder. Fast forward to today when we broke up a few weeks ago she said she didn’t want to treat me bad, to drag me down with her. She mentioned she was not suicidal nor did she want to harm herself. I’m assuming she said that because my ex had attempted suicide multiple times. A week later she said that her distance from me was a coping mechanism because she didn’t want to have the guilt of dragging me down.
As far as getting real, I mean. School is almost done and that is all she knows for a long while. After that, our relationship would have the chance to grow even more given that she doesn’t have to go to school every weekend.
Craig
August 18, 2017 at 9:24 am #164580AnonymousGuestDear Craig:
I suppose she made the right choice, it being between ending the relationship with you and mistreating you, or dragging you down as she put it. Good choice on her part.
In your original post you asked for: “Any advice on how to support her as well as support myself”- I would say let her go.
As far as how to feel (needing “some help on how to feel.”)- I don’t think we choose our feelings, but we can choose to think what is congruent with reality and if we do, helpful feeling will follow. Reads to me that reality is, as you pointed out, that the relationship with you added to her stress level, she couldn’t unload the other factors causing her stress, so she unloaded her relationship with you. And she did it without mistreating you.
anita
August 18, 2017 at 11:07 am #164600CraigParticipantAnita – That is a good perspective on her choice. I should be thankful that she was mindful of her thoughts and behavior and didn’t want to hurt me.
As far as letting go, yes, the thought has crossed my mind but it is obviously hard. When I said i would give her time to go through school and get through this hectic part, she thanked me and said that was “1000% what she needed”. So by letting go am I lying to her or not keeping my word? Or is it more of a mental thing for me to try and move on. I guess i’m so conflicted. It is just challenging to let go of someone you love and they love you.
Craig
August 18, 2017 at 11:15 am #164602AnonymousGuestDear Craig:
You told her that you will “give her time to go through school and get through this hectic part”- did you mean by it or promise her (in other communications) that you will keep your desire for her in your life throughout that time and that you will still want her as your girlfriend/ wife when she is finished with that “hectic part”?
anita
August 18, 2017 at 12:22 pm #164608CraigParticipantHi Craig,
You said “What’s been difficult for me is I viewed her as a incredibly strong woman. Her pregnancy was inadvertent and a few weeks after she had her son, she was diagnosed with cancer. She underwent 9 months of chemo and beat it. Seeing her struggle with the stress and anxiety of school, and pushing everyone away is hard to grasp.”
Whatever she up to, she makes sense all of the time. She may really want to tell someone about why she is doing things that look like pushing others away. I think the best you can do is to be gently available, with occasional reaching out, and being prepared to let her come to you. When she’s ready to talk, be ready to listen.
Craig
August 18, 2017 at 12:41 pm #164616CraigParticipantAnita/Craig – No, i said i would give her time and space to figure out herself, figure out the stress. I didn’t promise that my feelings would remain nor was there a set time on anything. I think she is struggling with so much right now that she just doesn’t know what direction she wants to go in anything not just our relationship. I think as Craig said, I can be there gently or be available but i think for my own well being, letting go is what may be best. I don’t want to live in purgatory and have constant questions of what may or may not be. Ultimately, if she finds she wants to be with me, at that time i would have to consider how i feel then and ultimately see what she learned during this time.
Craig
August 18, 2017 at 1:53 pm #164624CraigParticipantCraig,
I really like that you are thinking of YOUR well being too. That is great. I think actually, that if you do wish to be available to her to help her process things (again, if she allows you), you’re in a much better place to do it when you’re taking care of yourself.
Craig
August 19, 2017 at 8:32 am #164672AnonymousGuestDear Craig (Original Poster):
Your last post (one on top of the other member with same user name) reads very reasonable to me, sensible, solid thinking on your part.
anita
August 19, 2017 at 3:56 pm #164700
ElianaParticipantHi Craig,
I would just give it some time, give her the space she needs. She is very young..only 24. At 24, getting married, going to school, and everything else can be very overwhelming for someone so young. Are you her first love or relationship? Does she have a support system, or perhaps a therapist she can talk to with overwhelming emotions and depression?
August 21, 2017 at 6:38 am #164924CraigParticipantEliana – I would be her first adult relationship and longest. Although I can’t say I’m her first love, I would say for certain I was her first adult love. She has her mom and friends to talk things through with. She knows she needs to see a therapist but won’t until school is over. I’m operating and transitioning myself under the assumption we won’t get back together. I think it is the healthiest for me. I am putting myself first and won’t be reaching out to her anymore. I think the more space I gave her, the better it is for her. I’ve stated if she needs me, I’m here, but that is up to her. If it is meant to be, then one day, it will be meant to be. Otherwise, I’ll be okay. I’ll have my ups and downs which is normal but as i stated in a previous post, I don’t want to sit around guessing or hoping things will change.
Craig
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