Dear Gigi:

Good morning to you too and welcome back!

I think the real issue for you is not whether she deserves another chance but that you need a relief from your anxiety. Your anxiety is the problem, the issue to attend to. Getting together with the ex friend for a meal in a restaurant so to feel better is better than… you taking drugs, for example, to feel better. If you can find a better way to feel better than seeing someone who lied and used you, than better not see her.

I am assuming you are still in contact with your abusive mother who still verbally attacks you, on the phone at the least, a woman who lied and used you too, much worse than your girlfriend in question here ever did.

Pay attention to this point as it occurred to me just now: you are wondering if you should give a second chance to a friend who lied and used you while you keep in contact with a woman who lied and used you (to relieve her own distress via abusing you) for so many more years, since you were a child.

“What do do?” you asked. I say: cut all contact with your mother. And yes, pay the price of not attending family events. See other family members separately.

You wrote to me before that you considered cutting contact with her, way before I mentioned it. I think it is the right choice for you- stand up for yourself by having no contact with people who abuse you, be it your ex friend and your mother.

Regarding your boyfriend’s opinions, you should not obey them but make your own choices. He told you (other thread) that you may regret cutting contact with your mother when she dies. That was based on his experience with his parent that died.

He can make his own choices. You make your own.

anita

Dear Gigi:

You wrote in your latest post about your mother that she “will probably start yelling at me about being delusional. Your mother should not be yelling at you. Nobody should be yelling at you. I know you are used to it and it feels kind of normal, but it is wrong. You must not have people in your life that yell at you.

Post again and take good care of yourself:

anita

Dear Gigi:

A parent should never yell at a child, minor or adult. A parent may not talk calmly when distressed, have tension in her voice, but at the same time, no yelling. No calling names.

It is important for a parent to be as calm as can be with a young child because the child needs to feel safe and there is no safety in the presence of a highly emotional, unpredictable parent. So calm is important. As the child grows, let’s say your age, it is okay for your mother to express her distress as long as her expressions are not abusive.

So let’s say your mother is upset, instead of yelling at you and saying things like: “What a sorry human being you are, useless, everything you do is *^%^” etc., she can say: I am so upset over something that happened to me with the neighbors. I want to tell you about it and hear what you think about it. Can you come over..”

Then you get together with her, she tells you, she sounds upset, she says nothing about you. You listen attentively, then you give her your feedback and in turn she thanks you for it: “Thank you.” Then a bit later: “I feel much better, I am glad we talked. More hot chocolate?” She feels better and you feel better for having been helpful to her.

Just an example.

Till your next post:

anita