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June 7, 2018 at 10:06 am #211433
MaharaniParticipantI have darkness inside me, i think it’s depression or else.. im not sure.
but this things is happen since i was a teenager, it’s start when i always saw my parents fighting.
Father is not really a good husband to my mom, Mother- too busy manage her feeling/revenge to my father, always angry towards me and my siblings. i remember how im too scare if my father going out then if i did something wrong my mom will yell and throwing things too me. I was thinking she is my step mother, always good to me when my father around.
it was very depressing, to living like that.. being abused verbally and physically with your own mother. I start to use drugs.. it’s makes me easier to face everything around me, well i thought back then it was good i don’t feel much anger.
until one day, i almost overdose, so my sister thrown every drugs i have and keep me sober.
I can’t hold my anger, so sometimes when i get angry/ mad about the situation of my mom and dad, i punched everything. window, mirror, closet, even a wall – my hands hurt sometimes bleeding.
If i did that, my mom will notice what happen to my room or my hands so i get another yelled.
until one day, i start to cut my self, is not that deep but if it hurts and bleed out i feel less angry.
So i kept doing it, every time i can’t hold my anger, at first it’s only once or twice a year, then per 6 month, and per month. then it’s keep deeper and deeper.
I really thing i wanted to die, it’s easier.. well here’s my logic.
i don’t really have anyone to love, my parents will only grieving for few month, and also my friends. they will remember me maybe once a year and so on. Besides, there will be one less problem for my family or other people around me.
I don’t really have any purpose for life.
when i was 23, i’m leaving my house and living alone, I start stop cutting my self and i met a girl to forbidden me to do so, then she’s broke my heart and i don’t have any purpose again in my life. so i do drugs, punched other things, and pray to die almost every night.
I do wanted to go to psychologist, but to be honest i don’t have the money to treat my mental health.. so i tried to occupied my self with works or other things.. it’s help but sometimes it’s worst. i remember one time i get so angry, and i punched everything and the next day i just dislocated my arm, and get bruises everywhere, else i punched a mirror and my fingers need to have 8 stitches.
So i get another distraction again, i get someone else to take care of, for another 3 years i was never for once thinking to hurt my self because i’m scare i could make her scare of my self inflicted feeling. Also she have panic attack so i need to really focusing my energy to help her. I get the normal life, i work so hard so i can build my life with her.
i forgot one thing, i work that hard.. i get more time less for her – so she asked me to quit my job not only it’s takes my time it’s also makes me so stressful, the pressure and everything.. i sometimes came home crying.. but i always try to hold up my head because i always remember, i have someone i need to fight for. But after fight and another fight with her because of my time, jobs, and if im so stressful i sometime act like such a bitch to her.
we’re breaking up, and im resigning from my job.
After a long time, i felt it again… living wth no purpose. nothing to fight on.
i came back to cut my self, but this time im so afraid so it’s not too deep – but i do cry alot. this feeling of depression getting me so low.. i even need to do bed rest because i became insomnia, and gastritis.
it was, 1 month ago.
I went out traveling, for 2 weeks with my best friends so it’s so refreshed up my self. Right now i do have job to do.. as a freelance, and the job is not so stressful.
but i do still feeling hollow, so i use this app to met this girl. i lose my insom a bit, but still talk about depression. Until she just went away.
i dont understand, if im alone like this im afraid, me just being ticking bomb and trying to inflicted my self.
im afraid i became so worst, and do suicide.
i dont know what should i do. i really dont.
even i’m crying to write this… i felt really useless and no one is loving me.
I fucked up everything and even if i work so hard to keep everything good i’m still someone that useless and have nothing. this is how be grow up and no one is really love you.
you even hates more about your self because of it.
i just wanted to be have normal life, and and be peaceful.
Good Lord help me.
June 7, 2018 at 11:54 am #211457
AnonymousGuestDear Maharani:
I would like to communicate with you for as long as you would like, if you would. And so, this first post is only the first. There will be more if you want.
A question: are you in contact with your mother? Father? What is your relationship with each one currently?
anita
June 7, 2018 at 12:30 pm #211461AnonymousGuestDear Maharani:
In case you do answer me, I will be back to the computer in about 15 hours and will reply to you then. I hope other members will reply to you before then.
anita
June 7, 2018 at 9:57 pm #211485MaharaniParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for you reply.
To answer your questions, yes sometimes i still in contact with my mother, but not my father.
my current relationship with my mother i’m trying to get the distance, but sometimes i still communicated with her. With my father, no i don’t have any contact at all since almost 4 years ago.
regards,
Maharani.
June 8, 2018 at 2:53 am #211599AnonymousGuestDear Maharani:
I want to repeat your story for the purpose of understanding better:
As a child, you often witnessed your parents fighting. Your mother was often angry at you, yelled at you and threw things at you. But when your father was around she was good to you.
You used drugs so not to feel your anger. Sometimes when you are angry you punch things to the point your hands hurt, get bruised, even bleed. One time you dislocated your arm. At one point you started cutting yourself so to feel less angry.
You wrote that if you were dead, “there will be one less problem for my family”. You wrote that you “don’t really have any purpose for life”. Sometimes occupying yourself with work, travel and being in relationships helps, but then it gets bad again, or worse.
You are no longer in contact with your father but you are in contact with your mother.
My input this morning: you are understandably angry. One person you are angry at is your mother. Understandably, because she has hurt you a whole lot for many years, day in and day out, yelling at you, throwing things at you and otherwise. When she found out you punched something in your room or noticed your hands hurt from punching, she yelled at you more. She didn’t try to help you; instead she continued to hurt you.
Understandably, you are angry at your mother.
To lower your anger you tried drugs, distractions (job, travel, relationships), punching things, cutting; you ended your relationship with your father, and you are still angry (and anxious, depressed, suffering insomnia and gastritis).
You are in contact with your mother, you wrote. Does she still yell at you? Does she throw things at you? Otherwise, does she blame you for things, criticize you…?
Or did she stop mistreating you, sincerely apologize for her past mistreatment and is she saving money or arranging to get the money for the therapy you need to attend to start healing from the damage she caused you?
anita
June 8, 2018 at 3:35 am #211603MaharaniParticipantDear Anita,
I ended my relationship with my father because i grew up and realized what he did is effecting what my mother did to us, me. I still have contact with my mother because, no matter how angry i am with her, she is still my mother. I kept my distance with her, so i’m not feeling overwhelmed with everything she does. Sometimes she is still yelled at me when i do things not according what she wants, but she’s never realized what she did or apologize.
i’m trying so hard not to blame my father and mother, but to be honest i just can’t let go for what happened. sometimes it’s just keep coming back in my head.
Maharani.
June 8, 2018 at 4:00 am #211607AnonymousGuestDear Maharani:
I understand. Our mothers are very, very important people in our minds. No matter who they are and what they do.
But notice this: you love your mother now and you loved your mother ever since you were a child. This is why it hurt so much that she yelled at you and mistreated you in other ways. It hurt so much to see the person you looked up to, the person you loved most in the whole world, the person you trusted, treat you badly, disrespect you, betray your trust, hurt your feelings again and again.. and yet again.
Problem is this reality: this person has hurt you and is still hurting you. She did not correct her behavior, did not express regret and did not try to do something to help you heal from the damage she caused you.
When person A hurts person B, it is only instinctive and automatic for person B to feel anger at person A.
You are person B.
How can you possibly stop feeling angry at her?
anita
June 9, 2018 at 10:09 am #211839MaharaniParticipantDear Anita,
i’m not angry all the time with her, i try to forgive everything that happen to me. but to be honest – I just can’t seems to forget everything she did, and when the time is not good for me, i tend to remind why she did it, why can be she more supportive, why i get so angry inside, why i am what i am now.
i learn what’s in the past is stay in the past, but why can i just let go? even if she may said regrets, or change her behavior, does it really can heal my wounds?
i really trying to find a solution to stop this angry feeling, towards her or my self. but i just can’t find it how.
maharani
June 9, 2018 at 12:31 pm #211847
VidyaParticipantHi Maharani,
Only way to stop feeling anger is to ‘forgive’ and move forward in life. Forgiving someone for the wrong they did is not easy..especially close relative, but its the only way forward. Regarding yelling and raising hand, know that I am a mom and sometimes in the heat of moment, I have done the same to my kids. Also, know that I have been beaten up too as a child as its pretty common in India. Try to understand where your parents are coming from, they have been handled the same way as you, and its a vicious cycle that goes forever until someone stops it. Sometimes situation is more dire (as in your case) when husband is not good towards wife. All the anger related to the husband falls on the children and they become scapegoat. Human psychology is complex. It will be long road to healing, and I pray that you find light.
Take care,
V
June 10, 2018 at 2:57 am #211881AnonymousGuestDear Maharani:
A young child’s brain is being formed daily and fast, many thousands of neuropathways are being formed every day, pathways packed with strong emotions. When the mother is angry at the child repeatedly, yelling and hitting the child, her anger is a big part of thousands of those neuropathways.
Because the young child is not a separate mental entity from your mother, the mother’s anger is the child’s anger.
To that anger, more anger is added as you partially separate from your mother, mentally, and that is the natural anger one feels for being mistreated.
It is this anger, combined, that is has driven you to punch things and to cut yourself. It is this anger that you tried to numb with drugs.
You wrote: “I learn what’s in the past is stay in the past, but why can I just le go?- We can’t let the past go because the past is recorded in our brains in the form of those many thousands of neuropathways. The anger is in those pathways. When we become adults, we still have the same brain, and therefore the same anger.
Any time you see her, hear her, anytime she yells at you, pathways are triggered, sometimes you feel the anger, at other times you don’t feel the anger, but you feel something, maybe depression. In other words, your pathways get activated and you suffer.
What do you think of what I explained here?
anita
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