Got myself into a humiliating relationship situation

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    I honestly don’t now what I am looking for here. Perhaps vent. Or be very honest with myself, which I never am.

    Interestingly enough, as I logged into this website, I went through my history of posts and I am usually in very messed up relationships. This won’t be any different. I am sorry, this is gonna be slightly long!

    Anyway – I have moved abroad 1,5 year ago. I met a man a few months, here in the little town where I currently live at, and we went on  few dates. However, I knew right away there was something off and I realized he was lying his age. He was about 20 years my senior. At some point I made him speak and reveal it, and he also revealed he was ‘separated’ – he was also a foreigner, like me, who had recently moved to this place, and was by himself. Had left the family in his home country, because he needed a change. Said he wanted to meet someone new, but no one had filed for divorce yet, so he could not promise much. But he insisted that he liked me and wanted to spend time with me. To me it did sound like he was separated, although it was a messed up situation indeed and I wanted to keep some distance. In my naive mind, I decided to keep on dating him, but mostly because I was having fun (despite all the lies), but promised myself I’d date other men on the side and not get attached to this man due to this situation.

    Fast forward a few weeks on, we were spending way too much time together. At some point he moved to another little city a few kms from mine, and I was spending part of the week at this house. Then coronavirus emergency hit, and so did lockdown, and I ended up staying at his.

    Lockdown ended, he invited me to remain with him, living with him. Even suggested renting a place for us in my small town where I study. At this point it felt like he wanted to commit and stay with me, I barely had any doubts..

    But with time some stuff started to come up – like at some point he accidentally let slip off that at some point his family (as in, wife and kids) spent some time with him as soon as he moved here as well – which to me sounded super odd as he had said they were separated. Then, other information was accidentally revealed, such as that they had gone house hunting together.

    I was pissed but kept it to myself instead of talking it through… Don’t ask me why. I don’t know what was going on in my mind to just let that go. It’s covid pandemic, it’s a mess outside, for some reason I just kept on staying – also because I was obviously in love.

    Anyway – one day, he tells me the family might move out here, or that he might go back to his home country to them. Meaning. He had never been separated. Let me make it clear that at this point we had spent like 5 months living together. At this point I obviously start confronting him because it’s time, but I feel like absolute garbage, I feel used, but I was so in love and thinking I was gonna have a future with this man.

    One day he packs up and says he is leaving in a week, and leaves.  With promises of comign back to see me, of possible divorce plans, a million conversations saying that he actually wanted to stay with me etc. As soon as he leaves- back to well, the wife – he vanishes and does not contact me again for more than 2 months.

    He shows up again with love declarations and we keep in touch – I know it’s shameful, I’m not proud of my actions, but I’ve been so so vulnerable and I was still in love with this man. He starts making plans again etc, silly, naive me gets hopeful and has something to look forward to.

    Fast forward to this weekend…

    Send him a msg on Sunday (we had been talking quite often and romantically over the past months) and never got a reply.

    So I am sitting here feeling absolutely humiliated for having accepted such a behavior from a person.

    I never have empathy when I tell this story so it feels lonely – because I was deceived and ended up becoming a mistress.

    So I don’t know what I’m looking for right now. Perhaps just a little bit of empathy. I keep punishing myself but I’m not sure this is the way.

    Sorry for the super long post.


    Cath, I feel so sorry for you, really. Olease don’t beat yourself up. I have been there… not in your exact situation… but in relationship where I closed my eyes to the reality and humiliated my self esteem so badly. Things changed when I did. Do you think you would respond to this man and pursue him or let him pursue you if he comes back again….?


    Dear cath:

    Welcome back, it’s been a while. Your very first post was five years ago, almost to the day, January 2016, you were 26 at the time. Fast forward four years and a pandemic, and here we are! You wrote that you may be looking for empathy here, well, my empathy is with you. I understand heartache, disappointment, loneliness, betrayal.. and I know that you will feel better soon enough.

    I hope to read more from you, soon!


    • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by anita.
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