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Grief and bullying after mothers death

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  • #118318
    gervaise ledger
    Participant

    My mother died 2 weeks ago. She had a full and wonderful life and I am left feeling grateful rather than grief stricken but I will miss her hugely. She was 92 and a delight. I will miss mostly being able to help her little as I could. As it was so much of my life.
    The morning after her funeral my sister and brother in law began threatening and blackmailing myself and my other sibling to reveal details publicly of abuse we were subjected to my out oldest sibling 50 years ago. It seems they want money.
    The oldest sibling is also dying of a rare disease.
    I worked long and hard on reaching forgiveness and peace with my oldest sibling and I achieved that. My other siblings don’t get it. He also suffered a mental illness at that time in his life.
    I feel lost, angry, shocked and alone.
    I think and feel I must now break from tbethese people finally and seek a separate life. Help!

    #118319
    anita
    Participant

    Dear rosierouge:

    Let me know if I understand your situation: fifty years ago, or so, your oldest sibling, still alive but sick and dying, abused (sexually abused?) you and two of your other siblings (four siblings altogether). One of your sisters waited four decades before bringing up the abuse so not to upset your mother. Once your mother died, two weeks ago, she (and her husband) brought up the abuse and want your cooperation in publicly revealing the details of said abuse. You believe their motivation is to get financial compensation from your oldest brother’s estate. You don’t wish to go through that hassle and are considering cutting contact from that sister and her husband.

    Am I correct?

    Please let me know.

    anita

    #118320
    gervaise ledger
    Participant

    Hi Anita
    Sorry I was trying to keep description brief. We have big age gaps in ny family. I and my brother who are the 2 youngest of 5 children were abused by the eldest brother 50 years ago. The other 2 sisters were not. The 3 eldest are close in age.
    There is a 23 year gap between myself and the oldest brother…The abuser.
    He has a few months left to live of a terminal illness currently. He is 75.
    The oldest sister’s and a brother in law are threatening to disclose the abuse my brother and I suffered publicly – it seems it relates to possible inheritance.
    Am totally gobsmacked even writing this.

    #118322
    gervaise ledger
    Participant

    My oldest brother married and had kids and grandkids and he never let a finger on them.
    He is well loved and adored. I have spent a lot of time talking with his wife and kids about this situation. We think it may be part of a mental illness or the neurological condition he has which left him dying. He has had to have medication all his life.
    It took me and my brother a long time to be able to confront him and forgive and let go.
    It’s been painful and difficult.
    And now this.

    #118323
    anita
    Participant

    Dear rosierouge:

    Your clarification helps me understand better. It really is up to you and your brother, the two people who were abused as children, whether to take it further or not. It is not your other siblings’ business if they were not abused AND if the abuser has not abused other children not spoken for.

    If you and your brother are the only ones abused by your oldest brother and if the two of you do not want to cooperate with the other sister’s initiative, it is your right not to.

    Since your sister is bullying you in regard to your abuse, I would cut contact with her, if I was you. I too would be suspicious of her motivation, being greed (not an unheard of motivation!).

    I wish you peace of mind and well being.

    #118324
    gervaise ledger
    Participant

    Thanks – i have no choice sadly. It’s not the abuser they are blackmailing its myself and my brother (the victims)
    It’s all so sick

    #118326
    anita
    Participant

    Dear rosierouge:

    Then it is worse than I thought! Definitely cutting all contact with these people is the right thing to do! I am sorry you have to deal with such behavior at this time.

    anita

    #118883
    Rock Banana
    Participant

    Sounds pretty insane. You might find learning about and practising Stoicism useful.

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