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Grieving putting a strain on my relationship

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  • #121157
    dom
    Participant

    I lost one of my brothers recently and it has been very hard for me. My boyfriend an I had our one year anniversary the day after my brother passed. I have been lashing out at my boyfriend and I dont know why. He is very kind and understanding and patient with me and i am very grateful. I worry that my grief and not knowing how to deal with my emotions will cause us to break up. I know it is not fair for me to always expect him to be there for me constantly and I dont really have anyone else i can talk to. I dont know why I act the way I do sometimes. It makes me very sad to see him upset and even more angry at myself for being the cause of almost all miscommunications we have. I have a hard time communicating how i feel so i shut down. I dont act like myself at all and i dont know how to stop. I told him i need some time and space and he was very kind about it. I did this because it seems like every time we hangout or talk there is always something that upsets the other. I dont have the heart to have relationship issues on top of my grief. I want him there for me but I dont know how to do it in a healthy way. any advice would be very appreciated.

    #121158
    dom
    Participant

    Is taking time to be alone a good idea? I have been trying for a while to not be so attached to him and dependent on him. I just really don’t know what to do and all I want is things the way they used to be. I can tell he does not feel the same he once did about me and I know it is my fault because I have very bad anxiety and tend to overreact a lot. But maybe he does feel the same way about me and I am just being insecure? I am not sure about much these days and I am having such a hard time being stable and letting myself live the life I want to. I feel as though i sabotage myself and I have no self control. I want to be kind and loving and nice but I just do things or say things without thinking and I know if it continues things will only get much worse.

    #121159
    dom
    Participant

    I would also like to add that I had a very very hard time not taking life seriously. I am very young and have a hard time making friends or just hanging out with people because I feel like I cant connect with others. I worry about everything and I feel so uptight. It bothers me so much when my boyfriend smokes weed even though I know it is okay and I also do it sometimes. I have this irrational feeling of anger whenever I know he has or is going to do it with his friends. He doesnt have an issue with marijuana use and it does not play a role in his day to day life. I dont know where this anger is coming from or how to stop it. I try to not let it bother me but it always does. I don’t want to tell him to stop because I dont want to try to change him or be a control freak. I would rather learn to deal with why it is bothering me because I know it is not an issue with him but something within myself.

    #121165
    anita
    Participant

    Dear dom:

    Is it possible for you to attend psychotherapy with a competent, empathetic therapist? Reads to me that you need that kind of help to process your feelings, to manage and heal your anxiety, to learn to endure distress without reacting abusively, to learn skills so to choose the behavior on your part that will help you and not harm you (and your boyfriend)?

    Most important, at this point, is for you to not act abusively to your boyfriend, no matter how you feel. If you can’t do this, better end the relationship, or put it on hold as you learn in therapy how to not be abusive.

    Will be back at the computer in twelve hours or so.

    anita

    #121169
    dom
    Participant

    Yes, I have scheduled to see a therapist and also a grief specialist. My boyfriend and I haven’t had issues or fights until just recently when my brother passed. Still, nothing ever gets out of hand. We always talk through the fights and address if we do not appreciate how we are feeling. We both still would never raise our voices, name call, or get physical with each other. We both understand I am not acting like myself and I am having a hard time coping. We are both quite calm a majority of the time that is why me getting angry at things or getting frustrated so easily is so out of character that it is concerning and putting such a strain on our relationship.

    #121171
    anita
    Participant

    Dear dom:

    I am sorry for your loss. How recently did you lose your brother? Was it to an illness, accident? Losing a person you love and knew all your life is a very difficult thing. Of course it puts a strain on your relationship. Turn to your boyfriend for comfort and post here anytime you’d like. Maybe sharing about your brother, here, will help you?

    anita

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