Dear canary:

“If someone could please give me some guidance or advice”:

1. Get professional help, if available for you, for the “severe depression & anxiety” that you suffered from, or may still be suffering from (?)- psychotherapy with a quality therapist can do wonders for you.

2. A daily routine, including daily aerobic exercise, helps with anxiety, as well as such practices such as yoga and listening to guided meditations.

3. Look  into Mindfulness, there are plenty of mindfulness exercises available online (including a  mindfulness program developed by this website owner, see home page) and in books and magazines. Nothing like increased mindfulness to lessen and heal from anxiety and depression.

4. In therapy you can learn emotional regulation skills and improve your interpersonal communication skills (you can look these up online, plus there is a lot  of information in books and workbooks)- these skills will help you in your next relationship- to not let your anxiety translate into behaviors that will harm the relationship, so  that you are not “very difficult to be around”.

5. When you find yourself “accidently fall into a daydream” about your past with him or imaginings of a future with him- don’t be alarmed, don’t get angry at yourself. Instead, gently redirect your thinking to something in the here-and-now.

6. Post here again anytime.

anita

After over 40 years of discovery, it is best to simply tell you the truth…and of course, there is much more to be said than what a post here could ever cover…

-•— Your “grief” is about your feelings…which you invested with a purpose which did not get met, not about a soulmate.

-•— There is nothing such as a “soulmate”. (please read on) You have been conditioned since birth to believe in “there is one special person out there for me”. While you can have deep feelings for someone, and while that “can” last a lifetime…this still does not mean that statement is true. “Soulmate” is a modern term made popular and quite viral…for the hope toward fulfillment of the above concept and belief. Been there, done that many times. And…it still isn’t true. My parents were together close to 60 years. Still isn’t true.

-•— The truth as well as the solution to all things is found in “you”…not someone else. When you know yourself beyond thoughts, feelings, beliefs, behaviors, history or experience, then your self esteem becomes founded upon someone who will never leave you. Additionally, when you know yourself in this way, you finally have something great to offer to someone else in any relationship, whether close for lifetime or something involving less time or intimacy.

-•— Asking you to give up your quest for a soulmate would be silly. Of course, you will follow your feelings down that path.

-•— Asking you to buy into some idea about “you” as the answer to all things would also be silly…one more belief or concept to toss around, then discard to run off toward that soulmate once again. (nothing wrong with that by the way).

-•— So here’s the deal:

Plan a time for yourself to get to know yourself each day…at least one time a day, better if more often. It does not matter how long that time is. It could be an hour…or it could be 2 minutes. So, what to do for that time? Nothing…nothing at all. Just pause what you’re doing and pay attention (watch, listen, observe within)…EVEN IF IT SEEMS YOU SEE, HEAR OR NOTICE NOTHING. Do not stop taking this time for yourself due to lack of outer evidence. Since you ARE real, then offering this attention specifically to yourself (not your feelings, or thoughts, or judgments, etc.)…is the real you offering yourself the real you (to become more aware of). The real you is not the body you wear, nor is it any of the beliefs you carry (or any of mine either)…and yet, it is there (here) always, at every moment. To see or hear it does not involve bodily senses, nor does it involve the more abstract mental/emotional senses. What it does involve is gradually assisting you to become aware of all that it (the real you) knows and understands…about life, about you, about others, about your world, etc. As you become aware, even if months have passed with seemingly nothing different, you will eventually notice that you now (then) view things differently, and view yourself differently, and view others differently, etc., etc., etc. This is true “understanding” because it is the the knowledge of the real you which is beneath all your stuff, similar to a foundation (or that which quite literally stands under all you have thought you knew).

-•— This will not be an Aladdin’s lamp or give you Johnny, Frank, or any other person for that dreamed of special relationship. However, it will give you something far more precious. This may not seem to be so right away. But you will love yourself so very much more…and the joy from that will help you resolve anything you face, whether present or future relationships, a brush with death or loss, etc. Be clear however, that these things, these results or outcomes are not what is important. YOU are what is important. Without YOU…nothing else in your world or life matters at all. With YOU…everything matters, and because everything does matter in a way which is compatible with your real self, and which your perceived “self in the world” can appreciate…you will find yourself content and happy. Contented, happy people draw people to themselves who are contented and happy…the very formula for a successful and good relationship between two people. That relationship may look a lot different than the emotional dream you’ve entertained so long, but you will like it better.

-•— Although feelings of specialness may come for someone, either quickly or over time, it is helpful to keep a healthy perspective in which “you” are the most important person in your life. The other person in a relationship may eventually be seen as just as important…(for indeed they are that important whether you deem them to be so or not). Just remember who “you” are. The most important person in your world…you.