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Guilt from past relationship

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  • #79432
    Red Car
    Participant

    Hello. I am hoping you can help me as I cannot fully open these details to my peers.

    My boyfriend and I broke up because we had differences where compromise is difficult. It was difficult because I love him but I feel that in the long run, this would be hard if we be married or have a child together.

    When we were still together, we tried to find ways to make our relationship exciting. I felt detached with his lack of effort, and wondered if maybe I am settling with him because I love him and am willing to compromise, because being so-so was better than breaking up.

    I am not proud of what I did next when we were still together. During the dull parts, I cheated on him with another man. This was very short as I felt guilty after. My reason then was to know if others can offer what he can’t. Maybe I need to be with someone else and not him? That seemed like a good idea. Afterwards I regret it up to this day. I felt worse. Not only was I more unhappy, I now see myself as unworthy of anyone.

    I feel so much shame for cheating. I could not admit it to my then boyfriend because for me I was thinking that it is better that he doesn’t know. I also read it somewhere that confessing is selfish. And it doesn’t make the situation any better. He will just be more hurt and it will kill what we are trying to make alive.

    Afterwards I was giving my the. boyfriend ideas to make “us” work. I was looking online what else to do to make us happy. All the while I felt that I was trying to water a dying plant. Eventually, we broke up.

    Now I am still scared that he will find out about my mistake, even if we are already not together. It’s hard to describe the combination of guilt, missing him, and assuring myself that breaking up was the right thing to do, or maybe I should’ve fought more for the relationship.

    For those who got cheated on, I hope this post reaches you. Not all cheaters are heartless. Some do feel extreme regret and would never want to do it again in the future. Please forgive them.

    I don’t really know what to do. I feel paralyzed. I am blaming myself everyday. I do not feel worthy of friends and family’s love because I am not a good person. Please do not point out how stupid I was for cheating. I already feel terrible about it.

    #79451
    Axuda
    Participant

    Hi redcar

    I don’t usually comment on relationship issues, but as a man who was cheated on, I might be able to give you a useful angle on this.

    First, I would say that it is huge positive that you are taking responsibility for your actions. There are many (men and women) who do not, or who blame the other party for not caring about them enough. That is an abdication of responsibility, and makes it easier to justify similar behaviour in the future. The fact that you are not doing this, and acknowledging your feelings of guilt, mean that you are far less likely to repeat this behaviour. It also reinforces that you are a good and worthy person who cares about the feelings of others.

    You say that you cheated on him “during the dull parts”. Now, every relationship of any duration will have its “dull parts”. The issue is how we deal with them. In my case, I tried to do everything that I could to help my wife deal with her issues and revive the relationship because, in my eyes, I had made a firm commitment and therefore looking outside was not even an option. I simply had to find a way to make it work. Ultimately that didn’t happen because she was looking for an answer elsewhere. As you have found out, once you start thinking along those lines, it is the beginning of the end for the relationship.

    Ultimately you broke up, not because you cheated on him but because the relationship had run out of steam. That happens sometimes – it doesn’t mean that either of you are bad people. Did the relationship run out of steam because you knew deep down that you had cheated? Maybe, but from what you have said it sounds as if things were going that way anyway. You tried one solution, which didn’t work. You looked for others, and they didn’t work either. You are two good people, just not right for each other – there is no shame or guilt in that.

    You also talk about forgiveness for those who cheat. Was I upset when I found out? Of course I was. Do I forgive my ex-wife for her cheating? Of course I do. It was as much a symptom as a cause of our split. Much as I would have preferred things to work out differently, it had to be something that we both wanted, and ultimately it wasn’t. I spent many years, as you put it, watering a dead plant. She obviously was unhappy with the relationship. Why would I force someone I care about to stay unhappy? Now I can focus on myself, and on my future, and on someone who does value our relationship. Why would I waste time and effort feeling angry or bitter about that?

    At the moment you are taking all of the guilt on yourself because your ex is unaware of what happened. He can’t forgive you, or be angry, or respond in any way to something he doesn’t know about. You are also worried that others might find out about what happened, and so you are constantly living in fear of that. But remember that he, and those others, will all have done things that they shouldn’t have done, and things that they would not want anyone else to know about. It is part of being human. It doesn’t make them bad people, and the same goes for you.

    The solution to all of this is to forgive yourself in the same way that you ask us to forgive others. Your post suggests that you did what you did because the relationship was already over (even though you may not have been aware of it). You tried everything you could to revive it, but that didn’t work. Maybe you cheated because you already knew it was over, or to help you decide if it really was worth fighting for. Whatever the reason, the outcome would have been the same.

    So, in summary, the split sounds like it was the best long-term outcome for both of you. You clearly care very deeply about the feelings of others. You have learned a lesson from your actions, and now understand the hurt it causes you personally as well as others. So having learned the lesson, accept it, forgive yourself, and move forward from today. We are defined not by our past actions, but by how we respond to those actions. Your response is positive and caring. Extend that response to yourself as well as others, and everyone will benefit from your experience.

    #79453
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi redcar,

    On the day you cheated, you found out that you, too, were only human, after all. No better and no worse than the rest of humanity. Now, if you’ve always imagined yourself a “good” person, a “morally upstanding” person, or had always looked down on cheaters that would be quite a shock to you! It is hard to settle and see yourself in the dreggy baseline of common humanity. (50% of people cheat). However! You, too, STILL deserve love and friendship!!

    Now, I hate to say it, but if YOU cheated, and your old boyfriend would never IMAGINE you doing such a thing ~ how do you know HE hasn’t cheated during the dull moments? Keep in mind, you, too, would NEVER IMAGINE him cheating either!

    We ALL have done things we’re not proud of. No exceptions. None.

    To save his feelings, if he later says, “Oh, I heard from so-and-so that you cheated on me with Bob from the bar” YOU say, “Yup, just ask John, Joe, and Peter with the glasses about me. I’m their head hoe!” and laugh it off. Make a joke out of any rumors by then EXAGERRATING it. This will make them feel you’ve been unfairly maligned.

    Be Easy on Yourself Now,

    Inky

    #79549
    Red Car
    Participant

    Hi Axuda

    I am sorry to hear about your wife. I think we have some similar parts that we are both trying to make our partner happy, but in the end had to let them go. It is nice to know that you forgave her and that you are now focusing your time and energy on other parts of your life. With that much effort that you are willing to put, I am sure that your next partner will be lucky to have you.

    Since he cant react, I reacted for him by being very disappointed in myself instead. I think you are right that I should start self forgiveness. I’m not special. No one is perfect, and we all have regrets. Thank you for your post.

    Hello Inky
    Yes I really try hard everyday to stay kind. So moments where I slip are unforgivable for me. I feel like a hypocrite since it was so unlike me to behave that way.
    Thank you for reminding me as well that I’m only human and make mistakes along the way. Thank you for the tip as well. I never really thought about approaching it in a light manner to save his feelings.

    #79660
    BenzRabbit
    Participant

    Hi redcar,

    I agree with Axuda who has given you good advice above – usually when one partner cheats, it is THE END of the relationship !

    I would NOT tell your ex about it – you have broken up already, and you will end up hurting him more if he truly loved you – if he finds out on his own, then that is fate !!

    It seems you still love him and deep inside may want to get back with him – if so, you need to clear that in your conscious self first.

    Hope you find peace !

    GOD bless !!

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