My story starts with meeting a very spiritual man when I was in my first year of college. During this time I was 18/19 years old and discovering for myself how to mediate, pray, and connect to people. This man was in his early/mid twenties.  He was one of the biggest influences on how I live my life today. I quickly fell head over heels for this him but maintained a close friendship with him for about two years. Only a few times was the boundary between friendship and a physical relationship ever crossed. We both continued to date other people although I always knew I loved him. My jealously got the best of me when he found someone he truly loved. Instead of walking away gracefully I did everything I could to push myself on to him. Between letters and dozen of phone calls, from dating his mentor,  this grew to annoy him and he went to the college to place a no contact order against me. At the time I never felt more alone or lost. I was in another relationship at the time, but I thought I would die of a broken heart from this lost friendship. I couldn’t understand why we could not be friends when he was dating this new person.  About a year after that No Contact Order was in place (only through the college nothing was ever legally done nor was there any violence or aggression from the either of us warrant such restrictions) we began to cross paths again at various meditation meetings and groups. Both of us respected each other and allowed each other to participate in these groups without reporting the other for attending.  The contact between the two of us was pleasant, however we never addressed the past. His now ex and I had one communication that involved me making an amends to her for contacting him while they were first dating- which she said she forgive, understood, and accepted the apology completely.

Fast forward I ended up moving cities, falling in love with a perfect man that I now call my husband. I have never been in a better place spiritually, physically, or mentally. However, out of the blue this man from college keeps popping into my mind. I have no desire to be with this person. The feelings that come over me are very sad and emotional. A certain level of uncertainty takes over, guilt, shame, and embarrassment of the things that took place in the past and a desire to heal from the experience. I do not think starting a conversation would serve either of us and would not reach out to him. I just can’t shake this overwhelming guilt and the events happened years ago.

Has anyone ever experienced something like this? Why is this occurring? I thought I was healed from this experience and I am so in love with my partner I feel guilty this is even on my mind.