Hard to let go of past relationship

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This topic has 5 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by Zeba.

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October 4, 2017 at 2:40 pm #171605

Kylee
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Hello everyone, I have posted here before. My name is Kylee for those of you who don’t know me.

First off all thank you for taking the time to read my post.

I’m just having a tough time getting over a recent break up. I have been handling things well for the most part. It just sucks that everything reminds me of the person I was with. I miss his presence and doing all the nice things we once shared together. I also know a lot of people suffer from a loss of a relationship and I know I’m not the only one. Although it can feel like it. I have been going out and hanging with a lot of friends, trying some new things, and I even moved from my old apartment ( just because my lease happened to be up ) so the fact that other things are changing with me is helping. Its just unfortunate that I cant go ahead and share my life and interests with this person anymore. It’s been a month and half almost since we broke up, I haven’t contacted him at all or reached out to him in any way. But recently I have been really wanting too. He was the one to end it with me, which is why I haven’t tried to reach out because I feel he didn’t want me then so why should I put fourth the energy now. Its just tough, I feel like I’m honestly bored and with him I felt so content just being in his presence even if we were doing absolutely nothing. I know that I’m growing from this situation and I understand time will heal and that I need to keep pushing forward. I was just curious on anyone’s thoughts? I don’t know if I should try to reach out or not to him? ( I do want to be with him, but I also know that I can’t be with someone who can’t full fill my needs simply because they lack the interest or effort to do so.) Does anyone have suggestions in ways I can deepen my interest to enjoy being alone and attract better things into my life? I want to be able to let go but its hard.

Thank you 🙂

October 5, 2017 at 12:21 pm #171757

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Kylee:

To have a healthy relationship with a person, both people have to want to be in it. He doesn’t, this is why he broke up with you, correct? If so, it is not a good idea to contact him with the aim of restarting a relationship.

How to make it less difficult, beyond the ways you already practice? Practice more of the same ways that already worked and keep an open mind to new ways. One new way perhaps would be to practice persisting through distress, enduring distress, keep going even though it is hard to do so.

This in itself is an extremely valuable practice that will help you tremendously through life.

anita

October 5, 2017 at 4:26 pm #171779

PearceHawk
Participant

Hi Kylee,

This breakup up was a good thing that happened for a good reason. It doesn’t feel good, believe me I know. We have all heard that things happen for a reason. The problem is that as human beings, we want to know that reason right away, right now. I am guilty of that myself. I have since learned to understand that, for what ever the reason, all I have to know is that there is a reason, and I just let it go. I let it be. But this breakup has paved the way for you to discover new things, invite new people in your life etc. I don’t know why, but your post reminds me a quote by this guy named R.D. Laing. The quote, to me, seemed a little repetitive, but the more I read it the more it makes sense…

” The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is little that we can do to change; until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts an deeds.”

When we get caught in a current of despair and uncertainty our judgement clouds the direction that we want to go. I think in your case the breakup understandably has caused you to not notice the meaning behind it. That meaning being that you have been freed from a presumably less than happy relationship. It is this emotional upheaval that prevents you from noticing that.

My advice is do not contact him. Doing so, IMHO, will serve to keep you anchored to the past thus preventing you from moving forward. In my past, with my many breakups, I am glad I did not contact my ex g/f’s, as tempting as it was. I knew that by trying to chase down answers from once upon a time kept me from being present and from moving forward. It made me so much stronger. For me, the breakups were devastating, which turned into a sting, which turned into a bruise, until it was all gone. Fully recovered. YAY! I would like to suggest doing something that has served me very well…Remind yourself how much you truly do love and care for you, and wish him well though the loving way that you know how to do.

Pearce Hawk

October 6, 2017 at 3:45 pm #172001
Eliana
Participant
Hi Kylee,

About a year ago, I had a break-up. I wasn’t with him very long, but I became emotionally attached to him very quickly. I thought he was “the one” even though he was quite a bit younger than me. Things were great in the beginning. I couldn’t imagine life without him. Then, I felt him distancing himself. He was on Facebook, and I noticed he was instagraming other women. He even “friended” one of my friends..and put her on his home page, where he had me “hidden” with his other friends I guess. I never really knew. But I liked him so much, I was too afraid to question him alot for fear of him thinking I was clingy.

Fast forward, we started communicating less and less where he was investing nothing at all in the relationship. I asked him to leave me, if he did not want to be in a relationship with me. He did not try to put up a fight, instead he got mean and said “what do you want???”. I tried to tell him..but he never responded, and things ended right before his birthday in October last year.

I cried over him for weeks. Wanted to contact him on his birthday. Even had to delete my Facebook Profile so I wouldn’t go to his page, because it showed romantic quotes about other women and it tore me up. I even prayed to God, to bring him back to me, I kept analyzing my decision to walk away for months, beat myself up, I even sent him a New Year’s eve wish, to which he never responded. I kept thinking of the good things, not the bad ways in which he treated me. I was bored, lonely and empty. I missed him terribly. Then one day in June, I woke up, not thinking about him, and if I did, nothing. No yearning, no crying, no analyzing. I was **finally** over him. I then wonder what I saw in him in the first place. His birthday just went by beginning of October. I thought I would surely think about him, I did a little, but no yearning, nothing. Instead, I thanked God for the short time I had with him, and the beautiful feelings he brought me.

You will get to this point too. Just be patient, and let yourself grieve and heal. There is no time limit. I was only with this man 3 months and it took me 9 months to “get over him” like PearceHawk wrote so well, everything happens for a reason.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.
October 7, 2017 at 6:47 pm #172119

Amanda
Participant

Dear Kylee,

Today, my boyfriend and I ended our relationship. I am going through every emotion possible today, and I’m just beginning this grieving process. I’m definitely in denial right now. I hope things are going well for you. You are not alone. Continue to fight to live your life even when it’s hard. Things will get a little better every day. I can only hope I do the same.

October 9, 2017 at 8:05 am #172295

Zeba
Participant

It is difficult, but certainly doable. I am currently planning a wedding with someone who has started emotionally abusing me a lot. I am looking for a way out. It will be hard in the beginning, but use the pain to find yourself. You will hurt, then you will go numb, and the process will start all over. This is not to scare you, but to prepare you. Hang in there and things will get better. Time heals all wounds.
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