Haunted by his dishonesty

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This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

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September 3, 2017 at 8:02 pm #166810

Connie
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It’s been almost three months since the breakup. After struggling and wanting him back, I finally gave up and decided to let go like two weeks ago and keep telling myself that it’s the best decision and life is better off without each other. However, I feel haunted by our past issues in the relationship and it’s affecting me a lot.

I am really irritated recently, often get upset over small things. I have no interest in socializing with/talking to people. Instead of being with friends and family, I just want to be alone most times. I am sleepy all the time. My job gives me a lot of free time and freedom, so when I am not working, I sleep. Though I should have used my time more wisely. I just don’t seem to have the energy to be productive.

Though we are already broken up, what bothers me is his dishonesty. During the course of our relationship, I caught him lying many times, oftentimes including lies that’s not important or relevant to our relationship. I got tired of confronting because it only led to fights, or his so-called drama. Eventually I lost count of how many times he lied to me, yet he still accused me of being untruthful all the time, even after we broke up. It makes me wonder if what we had was real. I feel fooled with all the time, energy and emotions invested in the relationship.

The way we broke up is just as bizarre as his lies. I can’t help but wonder this whole relationship was just another lie he made.

I feel so hurt and stupid to even still have feelings for him. Why couldn’t he be honest with me? I came into the relationship with an open heart and all I got was just endless lies.

September 4, 2017 at 5:56 am #166836

Inky
Participant

Hi Connie,

Don’t beat yourself up. You have just gotten out of a relationship a relatively short time ago. Your whole being is still processing the trauma of the breakup. Thus the solitude, upsets and sleeping.

With the guy, he either lied because lying was so much easier than telling the truth (minor though they were, and despite the inevitable fallouts). OR he is/was going through a breakdown or a psychotic break from reality. I don’t know the details for the dissolution of the relationship to be “bizarre”. If it was, then consider it a blessing you don’t have to deal with Crazy anymore.

Blessings,

Inky

September 4, 2017 at 10:34 am #166882

Eliana
Participant

Hi Connie,

It is normal to go through many feelings and emotions after a break-up. It’s only been three months. Be patient with yourself and the healing process. One day, you may be missing him, the next day, you will be angry with him, the next moment you might be anxious and confused. When these feelings occur, feel them, but don’t allow yourself to get caught up in them to where it is causing you so much stress and anger. All the “what it’s” “should have” “why did he lie??” serves us no purpose, because it is in the past now, and it can’t be changed. Try to learn from the relationship. Try to remember the beautiful memories, and that you loved someone, and it was a beautiful experience. Some people have never experienced this. Just try to take a walk, listen to some soothing music, watch something funny to distract yourself, and give yourself time to process all these emotions.

September 4, 2017 at 6:07 pm #166920

whitedove1968
Participant

Connie,

i couldn’t have written it better myself. i was in a relationship that was absolutely wonderful. we did all the “right” things, as i’m reading now. i was getting all the “right” signals. we talked about long term a year from now, no big rush.

then he started “chatting” with an old female friend, married, and our relationship crumbled before my eyes. i didn’t catch it in the beginning, but noticed some really BIG changes in his demeanor toward me, REALLY BAD !! yet he kept talking about the future. i thought it was just a bump.

then he told me to leave, we were living together. so i did. i was completely dumbstruck. we still chatted a little and talked about how we missed our relationship and each other. i went back for 10 days. what i had felt before seemed to be gone, within myself. i couldn’t get over the feeling that sneaking around with his phone and lies were still going on, not to mention i kept catching him doing it. hind sight i wish i would have taken pictures of him doing it.

i found a few weeks after the final break up, in July, that he was going around telling ppl lies about me. that i was jealous and made stuff up. basically covering his butt with both hands. i mean really terrible things that sabotaged my character. i’m not a jealous person. i never was. i became suspicious, naturally with all the sneaking around going on, and the sudden changes in our relationship.

he finally admitted that he’d been chatting with her. i believe she’s a malicious person and egged this situation on. YES it’s ultimately on him because HE engaged in the behaviour and let all this happen! it was his choice!!

i’ve now wasted a year and half of my life. moved everything to another state, where we lived. i had my life starting to fall together. suddenly, the whole thing just shattered like tempered glass. in the beginning i was careful, asked the right questions, watched for the bad signs… he was a completely different person then. it’s like he got possessed and completely changed. he didn’t take any new meds or go thru any traumatic experience. so what gives???

i think i’m most hurt by the complete and utter lies and sabotage!! i mean, i LOVED this person. we were partners, and mates. i don’t understand how someone could CHOSE TO FLUSH so much down the toilet, and then have AUDACITY to say that it’s not easy on him either.. WHAT ??!! i’m almost 50 years old and had to move to my mother’s house and figure out how to put my life back together!!

it gets better… these last couple of weeks i’ve come down with some kind of infection. going to dr this week. i feel like i’ve been stabbed in the back, and if this turns out to be an STD it’ll be like twisting the knife..

i KNOW i’m better off without someone who could do this to someone who’s supposed to be a partner, let alone another human being. i KNOW i can eventually find someone who wouldn’t do this to me. i KNOW what i want out of a partner in life.

so WHY do i feel like crap and like.. HOW did i miss some kind of special sign that would have shown me that he was a POS and was going to turn on me after falling in love with me, which i know he did??? it doesn’t fit in my mind!! or my heart !!! this is INSANE if this is what our society has turned into !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

September 5, 2017 at 7:09 am #166986

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Connie:

I hope you feel better very soon. This relationship/ breakup has been taking so much of your energy, leaving you exhausted and irritable.

I don’t remember you mentioning your ex’s dishonesty before, in a previous thread, that you caught him lying many times. I think I would have remembered if you did. How is it that you didn’t mention it before and can you give examples of his lies?

anita

September 5, 2017 at 8:43 am #167004
Connie
Participant
Hi all,

it didn’t occur to me till recently that I started to realize my insecurity was actually caused by his dishonesty. Since, in the beginning, i blamed solely myself for the failure of our relationship.

The lies I can immediately name: how long he rented his then appartment, his sister’s age (big difference), his phone was stolen so he couldn’t contact me, his car war was smashed the night he disappeared, etc. When I confronted him, he would tell me a too-detailed story that’s apparently a make-up or say things like “i don’t know what you are talking about.” ” why don’t you believe me?” “You are the one who lied and I forgave you.” (I once got caught by him lying about a male friend who was simply just a friend) Actually, he’s a great talker, he’s good at selling things with fancy words.

In fact, not just lying, he’s also very preserved about his past. He hardly shared his past with me. He didn’t have many friends, because he did not like his friends for they are lazy and lack of ambition.

I know he had issues when younge, but have no idea what contributed to this very habit of lying/hiding. Additionally, he often reminded me of being careful with people, as if he was putting on a camouflage, sometimes even in front of me.

There’s a wall between us, a wall I could never break down which created distance and insecurity. I could feel his stress, unhappiness and loneliness, yet had no clue how to help him. He would not want my help anyway.

Just when things started getting better and we were talking about spending life together and making future plans, he suddenly backed off and we broke up over a small fight?

I still don’t understand him til today, that’s why it made me feel the relationship could have been nothing to him. I have no idea who I was dealing with. Maybe there’s someone else in the picture that I didn’t know? Maybe he never really loved me?
- This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Connie.
September 5, 2017 at 9:19 am #167008

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Connie:

Yes, you did blame yourself for the ending of that relationship and you did focus on what you may have done wrong and that you need to love him more… I suppose you ignored the fact that he lied to you repeatedly and in elaborate ways (making up details).

You lived with him in a country that was foreign to you. Your sense of safety in a foreign country was associated with him, so you were invested in seeing him as a safe person and that included seeing him as an honest, reliable man, or one who can be honest and reliable if only you fix yourself, if only you love him enough.

When he accused you repeatedly of not being truthful to him (example from the previous thread: “He responded to my last email furiously, accusing me of still playing games and saying untruthful things”), he was projecting his knowing that he himself lies a lot and therefore others are lying to him.

I struggled with understanding his emails to you, in the previous thread, why he wrote to you that he suffered so much not being with you and yet he didn’t respond to most of your emails to him. It was incongruent. Now I think I understand, now that I have this information that he lied to you repeatedly and in elaborate ways.

When a person lies to you repeatedly, you can’t trust what they say. Some of what a habitual liar says is true and some is not. What is and what isn’t true, how do you know? It is tough. This is why it is best to avoid such a headache and not have a relationship with a habitual liar.

Your last sentences: “I have no idea who I was dealing with. Maybe there’s someone else in the picture that I didn’t know? Maybe he never really loved me?”

His lies, seems to me, have nothing to do with whether he has someone else in the picture. His lies predate meeting you and are likely to extend to a next relationship. Did he ever love you? Probably best he could. The fact that a person is a habitual liar does not mean that he cannot feel affection and sincere concern to another person. It only means you cannot depend on him telling you the truth and have to guess.

Please do post again with your thoughts and feelings.

anita
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