Hello,

I have an issue that I can’t find any solution for. Hope someone can help me out here.

My husband’s first cousin (same age as mine) is very close to him and my in-laws. She and her husband made certain comments about me that hurt me deeply. [partly because I was going through a rough phase in my life and their words were like fuel to the fire]

1. During my wedding, his cousin made a comment “She has won jackpot” [not in front of me]. This really surprised me as I was also earning well. However, I ignored the comment telling myself it’s a joke and forgot about it.

2. His cousin was doing her PhD from a small university. I, on the other hand, was extremely ambitious and was targeting top schools in the country for my PhD program. The moment she got to know that I was applying to big schools, she was taken aback and seemed quite unhappy about it. From then on, every SINGLE time my PhD topic came up, this is what she would say “You will get in, you have work experience” emphasizing the work experience part of it. I ignored this as well!!

3. She and her husband had come to visit us [we live in different states]. They went on and on about how my husband makes so much money and how her husband can never make that much in his entire life and how they are always short on cash. When I mentioned that I was planning to take a break from work due to severe bullying, her husband looked pointedly at me and said “You can do that, my wife can’t even do that”. I knew that she also had some issues at her workplace but was taken aback when he said this. He didn’t stop there. They also commented on how much I sleep. My husband told them that due to work problems I had insomnia. I tried explaining about my situation but they just wouldn’t hear what I had to say. By then, I had had it and snapped back at his cousin. She didn’t like it and I think they both decided that I am an arrogant person and she became very unfriendly with me after that. I was still polite and friendly with her.

Unfortunately, after this incident, my life took a turn for the worst and I hit rock bottom due to certain traumatic events. My PhD plans did not work out, I lost my career and almost my sanity. However, I have healed a lot and am slowly rebuilding my life.

It has been 2 years since I have spoken to this cousin or seen her (partly due to me ignoring her for fear of her hurtful comments). During this time, I helped her family out with something and due to this, she has started warming up to me. I am still keeping her at an arm’s length though as I cannot forget her hurtful comments and I am still healing.

I also feel that since she did not like the fact that I was applying to top schools for my PhD, she must be very happy that my graduate school plans did not work out. For some reason, I feel humiliated and ashamed by this. Also, my mother in law is very close to her and tells her everything about my life, which is causing me more pain and humiliation. My husband is very supportive and has promised me that he will not let her or her husband hurt me again.I, on the other hand, do not want to do anything with her but that is not possible as she is very close to my in-laws. I like my in-laws and her parents. I don’t want to hurt them in any manner.

How do I deal with this cousin in an elegant and graceful manner? I can’t ignore her for too long!!
Any suggestions and advice are much appreciated.