He has a drinking issue. Any advice?

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    Hello, everyone! This is my first time posting here.

    (And I am sorry if my English isn’t perfect! I will do my best.)


    I’ve been dating with my current boyfriend for almost 3 years now.

    He is a sweet, caring, understanding person.

    And the most I thankful about him is that; he was there for me when I had a serious depression (for 1.5 years.)


    So every time when I see red flags in our relationship, no matter how serious it is, I kind of forgive him and be faithful.

    Because he was there for me 24/7 when I was having a terrible time (depression), I feel guilty to leave him.

    Also he talked about “our” future often. So he is very serious about our relationship.


    But there is one thing that I cannot acceptable. It’s a drinking problem.

    I was raised in an alcoholic family, so I am almost paranoid about drinking.

    And when my boyfriend gets drunk he becomes a total different person. Violent and tries to argue with people with no reason.

    I told him about this so many times, he every time says he’s sorry and will be careful.

    But he said he can’t quit drinking.


    I know I should end this relationship, but at the same time, I want to forgive him.

    Not because I understand his behavior when he’s drunk, because I feel guilty. (He was there for me when I had depression.)


    I don’t know what to do.


    Dear Zoe:

    You shared that you are in a 3 year dating relationship with your “sweet, caring, understanding” boyfriend . He was there for you during your 1.5 years of serious depression 24/7, and talked about your future, being very serious about your relationship. Problem is that he has “a drinking problem”, and you are “almost paranoid about drinking” because you were raised in an alcoholic family. You talked to him about it many times, but he told you that “he can’t quit drinking”.

    You want to end the relationship with him, but you feel guilty because he was there for you 24/7 when you were depressed.

    When he “gets drunk he becomes a total different person. Violent”- can you explain what you mean by violent: does he break things, hit people.. what does he do?



    It sounds like you have paid your dues. How long have you known about this drinking problem? If you’ve been with him for three years and he’s been drinking for three years, you’ve put in your time, you’ve given him enough time to value the relationship he has with you more than the drinking.

    For a lack of a better saying, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink”. In this case you’ve tried to lead him away, but he keeps going back to the drink.

    I was with someone for three years who was a closet alcoholic. Never drank heavily in front of anyone else but me. I hateeeeed his behaviour when he drank and he wasn’t violent at all. We finally ended things last year. It never would have worked. I also have a history of alcoholics in my family. He still doesn’t see that his drinking was a problem, or that he could have changed. He is still probably drinking. There were many other issues that came about from the drinking and I imagine that they will for you too. Time will tell, but it sounds like you are already out. It’s so hard, because you love the person they are when they don’t drink.

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