November 26, 2020 at 6:01 pm #369924KioraParticipant
I’m really confused with my boyfriend. We are on a break right now, because I was feeling overwhelmed by this situation and wasn’t happy.
We’ve been together for a bit more than a year. Things were great at the beginning (infatuation?) but then after a few months he started to be distant, cold, less interested and not acting like a committed boyfriend. Each time I asked him what was going on, he said he was fine, we were fine and we wanted the same thing (= serious relationship with a future together). I put a lot of energy in the past year for this relationship (I love him) until I realized I was the only one to do that. Despite his words of reassurance, he was staying on the edge of the relation the whole time, not investing himself at all, taking but never giving back.
I fell in love though, because he is a good person with qualities I value a lot in a partner : he is empathetic, kind, great listener, comforts me anytime he feels like I need it, very patient, very tolerant, very supportive. So yes, he was a great close friend. But a lover ? Not so much.
After weeks of personal struggles, I stepped back radically, moved out of his city and asked for a break. He then came back even stronger on me, telling me that now he knows he is in love with me, he is sure of his feelings. It took a few more weeks before he finally admitted the real reason of his past behavior : when I met him I changed my initial plan to follow him (I tend to follow my heart more than my reason, and this change of plan wasn’t a big deal for me but it was in his mind) and lost an opportunity to get a permanent visa in his country. That was totally ok with me as I knew I will find another solution if needed. One of these solution was him sponsoring me, after a year living together, if that happened. I wanted to go with the flow but apparently because I changed my initial plan to be with him, he felt like he was my last resort to get a permanent visa in his country and felt a lot of pressure. And a lot of guilt too when he realized he wasn’t falling in love with me (but who would, feeling trapped that way?? I certainly wouldn’t and wasn’t aware of his situation). So instead of telling me his lack of feelings and ending the relationship, he kept me with him the whole time to allow me to get this visa in the end, without me knowing at all what was going on his mind and why he was so distant. I didn’t count on him to get a visa, that was just a possibility if we were good together and wanted to stay together but he understood it the wrong way and never talked to me about that or the pressure he felt. If I knew he wasn’t in love in me at this time and was staying with me only for administrative reasons, I would have run away ! What a waste of our time… I feel so betrayed and so confused, can it be even true ? Who keeps on his side somebody he doesn’t love for a whole year just to allow them to get a visa ?? When the other person only wants a genuine relationship and love (and I have been very clear about what I wanted) ?
I can’t believe so much misunderstanding happened. On a side note, he also kept for more than 5 years a friend as a flatmate even thought he was highly irritated by this person (he had to pay for all the rent and the bills most of the time while the friend was working part time or not at all and having fun with the little money he was earning). I see a serious lack of boundaries in my case or in the friend’s case that worries me.
My boyfriend now asks me for a second chance. He is ok to do counselling with me, to follow me wherever my projects will call me, to dedicate himself in showing me how genuine he is, and to work on gaining my trust again. He suddenly seems to be more assertive than ever, which surprises me.
A part of me is thrilled by all these promises and wants to give it a try. The other doesn’t feel it at all. Is he trustworthy now ? Isn’t it just because he got used to my company, and being an introvert, doesn’t want to do any efforts to find a new girlfriend (he didn’t do anything with me, I had to do it all) ? But will I find somebody that cares so much about me like he does ? Am I avoiding him now because I’m scared of being loved ? It’s so confused in my head. I’ll gladly take any advice.
Thank you !November 26, 2020 at 6:07 pm #369971anitaParticipant
I will read your post and reply to you in about 12 hours from now.
anitaNovember 27, 2020 at 10:40 am #370032anitaParticipant
You shared about your boyfriend that he is “a good person.. empathetic, kind, great listener, comforts me.. very patient, very tolerant, very supportive.. a great close friend”. From the beginning you were genuine with him, making it very clear that you wanted a genuine and loving relationship.
A few months into the relationship, “he started to be distant, cold, less interested”. You asked him what the change was about, and he told you “he was fine, we were fine and we wanted the same thing (=serious relationship with a future together)”. But he continued to stay “on the edge of the relation the whole time, not investing himself at all, taking but never giving back”.
Later, he “finally admitted” that he didn’t feel in-love with you for quite some time because he believed that the reason you were with him was so that he will sponsor you for a permanent visa after a year of living together (an assumption he made which was not true in reality). He felt pressured, and he felt guilty for not feeling love for you.
“He kept me with him the whole time to allow me to get this visa in the end, without me knowing at all what was going on in his mind and why he was so distant”, “he understood it the wrong way and never talked to me about that or the pressure he felt”.
In the past, he kept a flat mate as a friend for five years, a flat mate who took advantage of him financially (“he had to pay for all the rent and the bills most of the time while the friend was working part time or not at all and having fun with the little money he was earning”). For five years, he was “highly irritated by this person”, and yet he kept him in his life and continued to be used by this person.
He now wants a second chance with you and is assertive about it.
“can it even be true? Who keeps on his side somebody he doesn’t love for a whole year just to allow them to get a visa??”-
– yes, it can be true. Reads to me that sometime during his childhood, in the context of his experience with his parents/ older siblings- a core belief was formed in him: that he was a bad boy. And therefore, to be good, he feels that he has to do what the other person wants him to do. When he does what another person wants him to do (ex.: flat mate wanted him to pay the bills), or what he believes another person wants him to do (ex: you wanting him to stay with you so to get a visa)- he gets angry because he does not want to do these things. He gets angry (and loses the loving feeling) because he ends up doing what he doesn’t want to do, in his quest to be a good person.
You wrote that he is “a good person.. empathetic, kind.. very patient”, etc. He has a deep core belief that he is not a good person and he tries very hard to be a good person. In many ways he is a good person, but he cannot be a mentally/ emotionally healthy person until he corrects this false core belief and the way he adjusted to this false core belief.
“Is he trustworthy now?”- he needs quality psychotherapy so to change his core belief and how he adjusted to that false core belief before you can expect him to behave differently long term.
“will I find somebody that cares so much about me like he does?”- you need someone who is healthier who will care for you.
“It’s so confusing in my head. I’ll gladly take any advice”- he needs quality psychotherapy/ counseling. You wrote: “He is ok to do counseling with me”- he primarily needs individual counseling to start the long process of healing from his childhood experience that gave birth to his false core belief, an experience you had nothing to do with.