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He left me for someone else

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  • #238213
    Sierra
    Participant

    Hello again!

    A few weeks ago I wrote in this page about how I was feeling conflicted about my relationship. We had a serious talk, I told him I had lost feelings but I wanted to stay and work on it. He was 100% on board. He cried and told he was wanted to be there every step of the way and I believed him. Last week he was always texting me and super affectionate, but this week he would barely text me.

    He made a new friend who is a girl and I was aware they were friends. The second they started talking, I knew something between them was gonna start.

    Today, he breaks up with me, I ask him about the girl and if he had feelings. He said yes and I was shocked.

    No one understands because he was so devoted to the relationship and showed so much affection without me even asking or demanding. He said he started to gain feelings for her a week ago. And she posted online that she likes a guy who has a girlfriend (which was me). I’m so confused, because he seemed so ready to go, telling me the typical lines as if he’s been the one contemplating leaving me.

    Some tell me that he’s been probably feeling this way towards her for longer than he said. I knew they are going to pursue a relationship. I asked him if he thought she had the same feelings and he stayed quiet.

    When things got hard in the relationship, I had my doubts and questioned the relationship, but I did not act on impulse and break up, cause that’d be unwise. I feel like after our talk last week, he was hurt by the things I said to him. He talked to her about our relationship, and I assume she gave him the comfort that he wanted, as he obviously left out all the parts when he mistreated me. I’m very hurt cause I feel portrayed. Although I was questioning the relationship myself, I was still ready to invest more time to see if it’d work out.

    He may have been scared or just unmotivated, and decided to call it quits. It’s crazy how one person can change in less then 7 days. The super sensitive and affectionate guy flew out the window this week, as he barely contacted me. Some people told me they think they hooked up behind my back. I’m not too sure and I don’t feel like speculating. We are talking on the phone tomorrow so we can ask our final questions. He wanted to do it in person but I don’t see why I’d waste time to take myself somewhere to meet him just to have a heart breaking conversation.

    I know I shouldn’t focus on this, but some parts of me feels like their relationship might feel good at the beginning, but might end due to the grounds it was built on. (The grounds being him just giving up cause he’s scared and leaving me.) He might come to regret his decision leaving me, but I wouldn’t take him back as it’s a waste of time but I can’t help but still feel hurt.

    i need all the advice I can get! Thank you:)

    #238215
    John
    Participant

    Sierra

     

    I have learned in the past 2 weeks of my 15 year marriage crumbling a single, immutable fact:

    You cannot control what they feel or think. It would be great if we could, but it just can’t happen. So you should control what you can. And that is you. It may feel like the end of the world right now depending on how long you were together, but this too shall pass. I would say that the best revenge at this point is not running out to find someone new to flaunt it in his face or attempting to derail his new relationship, but rather to live your best life. That is what I am doing. Somewhere last night in the soul searching about what I wanted to do and what I could possibly do to save my marriage, it occurred to me that I can’t. Only she can. She is the one who ended it, therefor she is the only one who can save it. So I could sit around and mope and be sad, or I could live my best life. You see, the best revenge is success without them.

     

    I have put in with a firm I have put off applying with for several years as it was kind of out of the way and I already had so little time with my wife and kids, only to find out the schedule is a 4/3-3/4 schedule where you work one Wednesday every other week and get 3 days on, 4 off or vice versa depending on the week. This puts me at an entirely new wage bracket and finally fulfills my quest to find a job using the degree I got a few years back.

     

    I opened a gym account today and started working out again, I got a nice haircut, I bought myself some nice clothes. I made plans with friends that I could never see because of my wife’s jealousy and have started really deep diving into the man I want to be. Partly for her, because I cannot lie to myself, I would like to save this relationship if I can, but there would definitely be caveats in it, but mostly so that I am just better. With her, without her, with the next her. Life will go on, and I do not intend to allow it to go on without me. This might seem rather coarse to say since it was a 15 year marriage with 4 kids, but it is the sad, honest truth. I cannot control what she feels and thinks, I can control how my life is from here forward. If luck has it, it might be me finding myself and allowing her to do the same that lets us find each other again. So that is my advice. Live life out loud. No one regrets traveling, having fun and loving life at the end. They regret all of the times they COULD have done something and did not. So get out there, have fun, be constructive and not destructive while doing so, and he will be a memory that you might think of fondly one day as the catalyst for you changing your entire outlook on life.

    #238247
    Sierra
    Participant

    Hey John

    I agree that I can’t change how he feels. And I know me wanting him to feel regret is a waste of valuable time.

    I do need to focus on myself. It’s just gonna hurt to see them in the hallways with one another.

    I am a nice and caring and patient person, so I know I don’t deserve to feel this way and I have kept my self worth. It still feels quite terrible.

    I hope to hear an apology one day, though. As throughout our relationship, he barely apologized for how he made me feel.

    Thank you

    Sierra

    #238249
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Sierra,

    This feels like a classic case of Dump Her before she Dumps Me.

    The moment you said you “lost feelings” was the moment you gave him permission to check out other options. The male ego is a tremendous, yet fragile thing. And God forbid he leaves the fate of the relationship in your hands. (This is all going on subconsciously.)

    Enter Girl #2!

    End of story. She could literally be anyone.

    DON’T call him. DON’T chase him. DON’T meet up with him for HIM to dump you. If he catches you on the phone, just say, “This isn’t working”. BOOM! DONE! You broke up with HIM, and now YOU are officially the One That Got Away!

    Maybe Next Year, Buddy. Maybe.

    Best,

    Inky

    #238257
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sierra:

    Congratulations for the ending of this relationship. I base  my congratulation on you sharing  that here that  he mistreated you and on you explaining how he mistreated you in your previous thread.

    It would have been  better  if you broke up with  him, but I suppose second best is that he  broke up with you. Too bad someone  else is  likely  to experience his mistreatment.

    anita

    #238267
    Sierra
    Participant

    Anita

    I guess it’s good to have this relationship end, although honestly I wasn’t ready for it to end . But what a plot twist! Last week, he told he was going to be by my side through it all which gave me hope. And he just changed his mind so quickly.

    it does show his true colours, thought. When I felt myself questioning the relationship, I stayed and tried. When he questioned it, he ran away and seeked comfort from someone he barely knows.

    I see myself as someone very unique, and I know people have a hard time losing me. So I know he’ll regreget giving up but I’m glad I’ll be able to love on and grow and work on myself. I shouldn’t be held back anymore, it’s just not fair!

    Thank you!

    sierra

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Sierra.
    #238291
    Sierra
    Participant

    Inky

    We just had a conversation and wow and I totally was surprised.

    He pretty much said: “I lost feelings for you three months ago but I was scared of losing you so I kept it up.” “My best friend helped me realize three months ago that I wasn’t happy in the relationship and that we aren’t good for each other and that I lost feelings.” “The girl made me realize that what I was feeling was true and that I don’t wanna be in this anymore. I know I gained and lost feelings fast but it’s been in my mind since the summer.” “Well now for my next relationship I’ll make sure to actually get to know the person I’m gonna date.” (Sounded passive aggressive to me.) “I’m sorry you see me as that terrible guy.” And I asked if he had anything to say to me. He didn’t. What a immature child honestly.

    i gave him the best advice and I really struck him hard, as he was speechless wheh I said that I’m glad that he showed me his true colours and I’m glad that I know when things get hard for you, you seek comfort in someone else. You showed me your true character.” And that hit him hard, he even admitted it. I also said “here’s advice for you since you have some to me: please stop seeking validation from others. You have to get self love from doing things for you and making yourself feel good. You don’t realize that you’re a good person. You can’t live through others peoples emotions and actions, cause at the end of the day you feel your own emotions your own happiness and your own sadness.”

    I think he doesn’t want to admit that I hurt him when I told him I was questioning the relationship, so he told himself all these things to  make himself feel better for doing this to me. One day he’ll realize that he was a true douche bag.

    Man glad it’s over I deserve someone so much better. I wish he was honest with himself and me but I can’t fix that. I hope he apologizes to me one day, but I’m not counting on it or waiting. For his sake he should grow up as if he enters intoned a relationship with that girl he’s gonna have to figure himself out.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Sierra.
    #238297
    SharonaL
    Participant

    Hi, I’m new here and am going through the same thing. My husband and I met online back in 2000. We both wrote on the same site, sent each other feedback and it just grew from there. But I lived in New Jersey and he lived in England so we would just message each and talk about movies and wrestling. After a year, I actually flew to England and we met face to face. After 3 years of back and forth, he proposed and we got married in 2004. He moved here and now says he needs to figure out what he wants to do with his life. Much like you, Sierra, he has a girl friend he works with that he talks to and confides in though he says they’re just friends (she has a fiance she lives with) I did start worrying about them and we talked about it. But while I thought talking it out would help us worth through (as well as a few counseling sessions) but he felt nothing changed. I guess I’m lucky that we had no children but after nearly 18 years of being a part of my life, you can just walk away? I took some clothes and left our apartment a couple of days ago but I feel like I’m giving in too easily. At the same time I know I can’t force him back into our marriage. I’m just lost. I want to fix things but like John said, the partner HAS to want it. And I don’t think he does.

    #238349
    John
    Participant

    SharonaL

     

    I got hurt, and blubbered and begged and promised to change. That was mistake number one. Then, I got angry and petty and vengeful. That was mistake number two. As I told Sierra, there is nothing we can do if the person you love doesn’t want to love you anymore. For instance, I have spent the past week and a half watching every video from a “relationship guru” I can find in an effort to get an idea of how to play this now. Some say to break off all contact and make them miss you. Others say that only works on men and women are likely to leave you behind and get over you faster if you ignore them. But they ALL agree on one thing: work on yourself. You likely cannot ever be who you were when you met them, especially with the lengths of both of our relationships (yours 18, mine 15 years). Hell, I was 24 then. I likely had not even become the person I was going to be yet by then. But you can reignite the spark of attraction in the other person, and a lot of that just spawns from letting them go and bettering yourself. I know I told Sierra that success without them is the greatest “revenge”, but more appropriately, it’s how to make them regret letting you go.

     

    If you truly want this to work, then this is your best way. It makes the most sense in a psychology sort of manner. My wife and I ceased being two people a long time back. When we first met, we were independent, happy and driven people. But as we grew together as a single entity and lost ourselves in the process, we lost some of that drive, and a lot of that happiness because of it. My wife has said that she wants time to “find herself” but is adamant that our marriage is over. I don’t want to discount her feelings, but I highly doubt she is as certain as she claims to be. But she IS right. I need to find myself again. She needs to find herself again. And should God or whatever force you believe in sees fit, those two new people might want each other again. We did before. The thing you must remember is that they married you, so they found you physically attractive. So that is one problem you don’t have to worry about anymore. But if your career stalled out, or you stopped doing fun things, or like me, just sort of fell into a rut of the same old, same old for years now, you have to break those habits and live your life like today is the last day on Earth. Your husband will see the change. He might start to rethink his decision. Or he might not. But living your life for yourself will make it so it doesn’t matter. You will be happy no matter what.

     

    It’s gonna take some time. Trust me, last night was filled with dreams of my wedding day and my beautiful bride standing across from me, and for the first few seconds of the morning when I woke up, I was happy again….because for those brief seconds, I had forgotten reality. And then it all swept in again and sadness hammered me. It also doesn’t help that I have a son and 3 little girls who are shattered by all of this and constantly crying (yeah, try not to be sad around THAT) about the divorce. I have found a good way to deal with that sadness is the gym. I know that sounds really cliche, but I mean it. You can focus all of that energy and sadness into working out, get a good endorphin rush, and at the same time, you are actively working towards bettering yourself, which as I mentioned, is a great way to spark that attraction between you and your ex again.

     

    I will ask this, however: Do you KNOW he is having an inappropriate relationship with the woman at work? Or do you just think he’s having one? Because I can tell you from experience in my past (not my own) that accusations with no evidence often backfire. Not only does it broadcast that you don’t fully trust the person, but as a friend of mine found out, it can actually facilitate the action you are accusing them of. He had often thought his girlfriend was cheating on him. He would confront her about it often and finally she did. When he asked why she would do that to him, she simply stated “You were sure I was doing it anyway, I might as well have the fun associated with the accusation”.

    Long story short, don’t sit around moping. Get out there and live your life. Better yourself, keep contact limited (I likely wouldn’t do the “no contact” thing….it just seems counter intuitive) and let the man see what he is missing out on. If he truly wants to be with you, and you look like you are bracing yourself to move on without him, he will come running.

    I will say to not do some of the more counter productive actions that often times are associated with this sort of thing like rebounding with someone to make him jealous, or attempting to disrupt said relationship with the other woman. Let him think it doesn’t bother you, be out and about having fun (which I know sounds hard right now), and trust me…..even if he doesn’t come back, you learning to live without him will happen while attempting to do so.

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