Dear Anita,

” Last evening, early evening at the taproom, the server, her name is Arianna, her real name. It felt so strange when I called her Linarra, instead of Arianna. It was the first time that I said your (screen) name out loud!”

It makes smiles so much. I always smile and feel excitement in my belly when I see you replied, but it is even more intense with such a sweet first paragraph!

My brother would say I look like a high school girl talking to her crush (he already said it once as I was excited when I saw the notification of your reply), he just likes to tease. We (my siblings and I) tend to be emotionally sober/moderate, when I experience intense joy it is noticeable and it appears to be a good reason to tease. It’s alright with me if my joy looks childish, it feels good and I don’t want to repress it anymore. Just like I don’t want to repress my affection for you at the moment.

“this could become a possible motivation,  moving you to desire leaving your home: to feel “good, more alive”!”

Maybe it could, we’ll see!

“the living-dead.. hiding the life inside.”

Living-dead could be my middle name. I identified so much as that, during times of vivid self-awareness of my inner death (triggered by being near living people, when I am hanging out with my friends but unable to connect and to interact). It was distressing and painful.

“so.. you can live a little bit under the cover of English.”

French can work too sometimes. Sometimes if feels like I don’t speak her language even in french. After years of being uninteresting she don’t seek too much drama to feed upon around me anymore. She still abuse me but it depends mostly on her mood and need to lash out on someone than because I did anything.

“I will tell you then a bit more about calling out your screen name at the taproom early last evening: the serve is physically beautiful, about your age, so I said to her: “You are beautiful Linarra”, and then I added with some embarrassment, “Oh, did I say Linarra?” It occurred to me that the reason I used your name instead of hers is because of the word “beautiful”, because I said it to you earlier (in addition to the similar sound of the two names)”

I’m smiling again, I do like to imagine this scene. I feel close to you at the idea you had my name so close on your mind that it slipped and in such a context. Thank you for telling me!

“Oh, you would.. sponsor me to the US, really.. like you care about me that you’d go through the trouble..? I know you ungrateful b^^&&, you wh***, you don’t give a sh*** about me, you (hit, hit, hit) after all I did for you, the hard work, every day, giving you the best food, the best clothes.. and all you will do for me is sponsor me.. then leave me alone to struggle while you go about to have your own life.. forgetting about all I did for you…? ”

She sounds like the selfish, ungrateful one. A child shouldn’t owe anything to their parents as they didn’t ask to be born. You were your own person and had the right to chose what you want to give and how much you’re able to without feeling a loss. Such an offer was a gift from you, it shouldn’t be considered as a repayment of a debt. Your mother was selfish, trying to manipulate into giving your everything to her.

“You are safe, our connection is safe, I trust you. You never did anything to make me feel bad. You did so much to make me feel good. Thank you!”

And I want to keep making you feel good! Because you make me feel so good too.

And I am not wanting this as a repayment of any kind of debt. I don’t feel indebted to you because you make me feel good, no. Because, it just feel very good already to feel this love for you and be able to express it! I feel so glad to be talking with you. I’ve been receiving so much just by communicating with someone as wise, well-intentioned and lovely as you. I wouldn’t ask for more, I’ve been feeling good and happy plenty with you, from the very moment we started to talk you were enough. I was already grateful. I started talking with you with no expectations, so of course our connection brought me so much more than I would ever had asked for. Our communication has been good and positive I could only feel, very easily and very quickly, so much strong feelings about you. It is a gift just as it is now and as it has been. And because of that I want to cherish it so much. I won’t tell it enough, or too much, because it feels so great to tell my true feelings and not repressing them.

“I hope your visit with your friend is going well. We can try to connect for this purpose tomorrow, or Monday.”

It is going well, thank you! I’ll get back to you about this when I’m home then!

“you must see a dentist, a gum infection can travel to the brain, it can be dangerous, please see a professional as soon as possible!”

It’s alright, I’ve got an appointment this week.

“that’s the affect my mother’s presence (physical and mental) had on me. My neurons really did get damaged, permanently (I still suffer from tics which include movements that involve physical distress).”

I’m angry at your mother. How can a woman who hurt you so bad could consider she gave you anything worthy of repayment/gratefulness… The only thing she deserved was you anger and you abandoning her to her fate. You deserved to be loved and cared for and she didn’t do that to you. She didn’t deserve your kindness.

“I did sleep better than the night before.”

I am glad you did and I hope it’ll be the same (or better) tonight! Have a good afternoon Anita!! I hope there won’t be too much mistakes on this posts as I was getting sleepy.

Linarra

Dear Anita,

At 4:20 am I was awaken by a dream, awaken enough to not go back to sleep directly, so I checked on my phone and saw the mail notification of your reply. I read your posts as well as your recent reply to other members before going back to sleep.

This morning I’m writing to you because I want to process some things.

First I’ll start by telling my friend has been very nice. I was given a room alone, I have time and space along (I didn’t even have ask), she’s very welcoming and calm. We are not very close so it is still a bit awkward for me (with my poor social skills) but fortunately I seem to handle it well enough. I have no idea what is a good amount of small talk or positive enough interactions to have but I trust het to not ressent me or keeping tabs on such small things. I only worry about it due to my social anxiety and my desire to make sure people are comfortable and happy. Even when I’m not in fear I tend to worry. Because I’m never entirely sure how to act. Around people. And I know her (and my other high school friends) for nearly 9 years! Enough to trust them and be comfortable, and yet… Still not enough to be naturally open, communicative, spontaneous.. I want to try to get better though, I’m just absolutely awkward and unsure. There’s a lot of progress to be made on my part!

I’ll stop the thoughts at this point for the moment. I’m going to take the opportunity to interact with her since she’s done with her morning routine and invited me to do something with her if I wanted.

I hope you’re sleeping well!

Linarra

Dear Anita,

“(I am thinking out loud): when you expressed certain emotions, she felt threatened by your emotions and attacked you, so to kill you and your emotions.. while keeping the physical you alive. Of course, she couldn’t kill your thinking and imagining.. so you think/ imagine (day dream) without appearing emotionally alive.”

It is like this, she did care about keeping me physically alive, but not mentally, but thankfully she couldn’t kill everything happening inside. She could just kill my ability to express it. And well… When you don’t express, you’re not acknowledged by the world, you don’t feel real… You cannot expand, grow, belong somewhere. I was a floating ghost, barely noticeable, belonging nowhere, but able to pass through social check because I also wasn’t problematic. Being nothing is not much of a problem to others. It is just an obstacle when you crave for deep meaningful connections that would make you feel like existing.

“but my point is, even that money that meant something I wanted to do for myself.. for the first time.. even that money meant nothing to her, she returned it not because I asked (I didn’t ask for it, didn’t mention  it, asked her to use it and to not return it to me), but because.. well, she said it is too little

I lost my highest functional point in life for.. nothing. She never relieved me from the guilt she imposed on me, it was always: I OWED her money..”

You concretely should have owed her nothing. Parents who are not ready to put money into their children selflessly shouldn’t be parents. Children are not a financial investment supposed to bring more money… Family is not a bank, where the money/time you invest is supposed to be returned with interest. Your mother shouldn’t have had kids, ever. And since she had, she was wrong to act as if it was her right to… destroy your mental health and demand from you more and more. She absolutely missed the point, she could have had a beautiful relationship with you and she throws it away for… money she wish she could have had.

“oh, how different my life would have been if my mother felt this way about me.. if I saw love in her eyes instead of DEBT! YOU OWE ME!!! If only she told me these things… all the unnecessary pain I suffered wouldn’t have taken place.”

It would have been so different, so much more beautiful and healthy. You didn’t do anything wrong, she was the one who messed up and twisted your relationship. She was the one who created misery in both of your lives… For very wrong reason. Money isn’t everything. Love worth so much more than luxury and wealth. But her values and heart never was in the right place. You tried to put up with that and make her happy anyway… Yet, she didn’t value it, she didn’t deserve it.

“I don’t suffer from this guilt anymore, not for years.. the longest time, but I suffered from it for decades, and intensely, daily.. the guilt and sense of indebtedness to her was EXCRUCIATING.”

She had so much power over you for so long… I’m am glad you’re free from this guilt now. You deserve to live and feel for yourself.

“good to read this, please take good care of your health”

I will try, thank you for caring.

“-I hope you told her the above, clearly and as simply as possible, so she knows. You can tell her that if she gives you feedback on the things you are not sure about, that will help you greatly. Ask her if it’s okay with her if you ask her for such feedback, for example, asking her: did I talk too little or too much just now? How did you feel when I said X to you? How do you feel if I go to my room now, will you feel disappointed, etc. (I wouldn’t ask her too  many of these questions at a short amount of time, of course, but space them out). The more honest feedback you get, the more comfortable- over time- you are likely to be.”

I didn’t but I will try. I managed to have a good conversation with her though, I explained some of my worries and where it came from and she understood and explained her thoughts and feelings.

I will try to see if I can get more honest feedback from her once in a while, if I’m able to ask it naturally.

Linarra

Dear Anita,

“I would be better off was a wise investor, nurturing and growing her investment instead of abusing and destroying her investment!”

There was nothing wise in her behavior. She was feeling better giving in on the short-term pleasure of abusing you. She may have had power over you but it didn’t bring her the luxury she wanted as she wasn’t wise enough to nurture her investment. And eventually, because you are a person and not a money-making-thing as she would have wished, you managed on your own to grew wiser than and and cut down her power. Allowing yourself to grow for your own sake.

“and.. thank you again. Yes, I am free from that guilt, and as I just remembered how I used to feel vs how I feel now in regard to guilt, I had the image of me floating in the air, above the chair I am sitting on.”

It seems like a very good feeling. You did it. What a long, painful, difficult journey she put you through and yet, you are there, now, free from her. And encouraging people on this forum to take small steps away from their own abusers with an understanding only someone who have been through such an experience can have.

“If you imagine yourself as an adult walking beside the child that you were, walking across a bridge, and she is scared: don’t push her forward. Instead, take her hand gently in your hand and patiently help her take small steps forward.”

Right, when it comes to emotions and facing unknown and fear, we still are children aren’t we? It is important to be encouraging but patient, keep trying but gently…

My brain is blank, I have no plan. But as long it is with trustworthy people, I can probably go with the flow and figure it out as I go.

Linarra

Dear Anita,

It is still going well with my friend, I try to spend some time with her and make it nice when it happens, without pushing it so we can both have our space. I still wasn’t able to ask her feedback but I’ll try when I’ll feel able to do it naturally without getting overwhelmed.

And I slept well enough, beside a weird pattern of waking up around 4 am and falling back asleep around 5-6 am. How is your sleep lately?

I wanted to share a reflexion I have been having this morning. You don’t have to reply to it unless you feel like it or have any thoughts to share about it. Here we go:

What does “a place where I belong” would mean?

-feeling comfortable/safe

– being in control of the environment, in ability to react when something happens requiring actions, not always having to ask an authorization to do something or to worry about someone else’s reaction

– even if I’m an introvert and can get by with a lot of alone time, I want to be in a place where interacting with some people I love regularly is a possibility (there are a few people I love though, realistically can’t be live nearby all of them as it is unlikely they end up living in the same area, and I might meet more people along the way which would expand possibilities)

– having access to things that makes me fulfilled and give me energy, and meaning.

Wanting to be near people I love is a big motivation factor, but my connections are very shrinking over time. There are two people I felt close enough that I would have wanted to keep in my life and leave nearby if I was able to move out :

– My former roommate at college who also was my friend in high school, we used to be quite close and we still care about each other but… She also have a lot of other connections and have a very busy life so I don’t think she’ll be that much in need to have me around.
– My little brother. We used to be close too before we left to study, we work well around together, and probably could still be in the future but for now he needs to figure out his own life and explore the world and himself. I hope he’ll build himself a life of his own and I’ll help him around if there’s anything help I can provide but for now there’s no stability or clear plans for either of us. Nothing to build on.

Of course, I want to build a life of my own, that wouldn’t depending on my meaningful relationships (I believe it would be more efficient for my resilience to not rely too much on those I love, stay close and supportive, but no codependency), but since all I know about me is I enjoy to create and starts projects, which is something that can be done anywhere, I could adapt to a lot of places and thus afford to chose a living place because of the people nearby instead of other factors such as personal preferences. The only thing I know I couldn’t do is too much traveling because I like to be settled down (moving around too much is not good for my anxiety, I like and need familiarity, it is heart breaking to grow attached to places and say good by, or not being able to attach because I know I won’t stay).

At the moment, there’s nowhere and no one I’m moving towards. I’m just trying to heal and be functional, and I’ve been relying on my passions as a motivation to get by until something crashed down a few month ago. Now I’m not pressuring myself with my passions projects and just try to focus on my healing, but it’s running on almost empty.

Our conversation and my connection with you the last few months has been sort of an anchor, helping me reconnect with my feelings.

I realize, in comparison, lately I’ve not been feeling as close with my high school roommate or my brother as I feeling before… No wonder even those connections are currently not motivating enough.

And my ability to think on this matter is stopping there at the moment. I’m alright, I think. I know everyone and everything is fluctuating and nothing is meant to last exactly under the same dynamic. We change as we grow. Scary at times but okay for me, as I am not in the best of place, or the best of me, I am not afraid to lose anything. I lost enough to be used to it and found out it wasn’t the most scary thing. I can be alright and enjoy what I have at the moment, whether it will last or not, and not be distressed too much knowing my connections have their high and their low.

Linarra

Dear Anita,

“I woke up today about 5 am, stayed in bed for a long time, then got up, not refreshed though, still tired. Not at my best cognitively, slow.”

I’m sorry to read that, I hope that today won’t be challenging you too hard.

” a place with clear RULES come to mind, specific rules of interactions between the people sharing the place, rules you agree to and everyone else agrees to beforehand.”

I like clear rules when people are mindful enough to care and respect them. Knowing what to do is usually a relief.

“Our connection needs to change so that it can grow: if we exchange emails, I will learn your true name and will be able to say it out loud and hear myself saying your name. We could possibly exchange pictures and I could see your face as I say your name. I can call you and hear your voice and your words.. how exciting.. these are all changes.”

It does sounds exciting. I would agree to exchange pictures. And maybe open to the other new possibilities that might come to our minds.

“Remember you shared that your brother commented on how excited you were to receive a reply from me- receiving a reply that was not there before is a change, and that change excited you. Hearing my voice say your name may excite you as well, that would be a change. Feeling alive is about Change.”

I’m sure it would be a good change for me. Definitely something I’d like to try. Not with anyone, but because it’s you I am more willing to face my fears.

I’m still at my friend’s, the internet connection is not the most reliable thing here but it shall do. I can try sending you my email then edit if you give me a time that would work for you?

Edit : just trying out to experiment

Linarra

Dear Anita,

Alright then I shall not make you wait too much!

Edit : hopefully an accomplished mission.

Linarra

Dear Anita,

We’re good then! You can contact me anytime through my personal mail!

Linarra