February 10, 2019 at 12:20 pm #279575
Anita, I have seen your name and replies alot on this site. I am new to this. Not sure how this works or even if I am even posting in the right place. I recently started therapy for anxiety. I am lost and don’t know what to do. My brain feels fried and I am having overwhelming thoughts. Out of nowhere/somewhere a thought burst into my head. When I was a young girl around 12/13 I was babysitting a 1/1 1/2 yo girl. While both of us were fully clothed. I remember laying her down on the floor and rubbing my body up and down on her. 2 or 3 rubs. I realized I was wrong and stopped almost as soon as I started. I never touched her flesh. Even Typing those words makes me feel like vomitting. I feel disgusted. It’s a fuzzy memory. Am I a sicko?February 11, 2019 at 4:49 am #279661
You wrote about an incident that happened when you were about 12/13. Tell me about your life before you were 12, will you? Tell me how was life at home, who was at home, what happened there for 12 years?
anitaFebruary 11, 2019 at 8:48 am #279701
Thank you so so much for replying. Not sure where to start. I grew up in a very abusive home. Huge amounts of Domestic violence, verbal and emotional abuse, both parents were Alcoholics, my father was also a drug addicts. He is in recovery now. Crazy parties. My parents were 18 when they had me and they came from very dysfunctional families too. My parents had men and women in and out of our house. My father left home several times and came back several times. I remember swimming one day and a man helped me learn to swim. I remember him touching me through my swimsuit. Lately because of this new memory My thoughts are very intrusive and overwheming. How/why didn’t I remember this before now? I am probably not explaining properly. I feel lost and disgusted and horrified. Thank you for replying.February 11, 2019 at 8:52 am #279703
What type of kid does that to another? My reaction at the time was instantaneous but have I scared that little girl for life? Would she remember this? I want these thoughts to stop.February 11, 2019 at 9:15 am #279715
You just started therapy, I hope you are seeing a capable therapist. Considering your very distressing childhood, your healing process will take a long time and a lot of work. Be patient with the process, no way to rush it. Your focus right now is a particular focus and it may seem to you that if you got the answer to this particular question, whether you hurt this other child, then you will feel okay. But it is very unlikely that your distress will be resolved with any answer to one particular question.
The healing process is much longer, there is so much to it. It is not about one question, one “past mistake” and the simple resolution of that one thing.
Would you like to tell me how old you are, whether you are living with any or both of your parents, whether you are employed, how many sessions of therapy did you attend so far and what happened in those sessions?
anitaFebruary 11, 2019 at 9:56 am #279723
Thank you. I don’t live with my parents. They finally divorced 8 yrs ago. I am 42. 8 therapy sessions and Spoke about family background so far. I am employed.February 11, 2019 at 10:39 am #279731
You are welcome. I suggest you focus on the following:
-maintain your employment
-continue to not live with any of your parents, living independently from either one
-end any relationship you currently have where there is any disrespect or abuse
-if either your parents at the least, did not express regret and did not sincerely apologize to you for harming you, stop interacting with that parent.
-continue psychotherapy, see to it that you do the work required and that your therapist is sincere, capable and hard working, working with you diligently to start and progress in the healing journey in front of you.
Post here anytime with your thoughts and feelings.
anitaFebruary 11, 2019 at 10:49 am #279739
Anita, thank you for your kindness and understanding. Would you suggest I try find this girl and tell her what happened?February 11, 2019 at 10:57 am #279743
No, I don’t recommend you do that.
anitaFebruary 12, 2019 at 4:16 am #279835
Forgiving yourself for what happened when you were babysitting is difficult but important. Might help if you can understand that you were doing the best you could do with what was available to you at the time. In my opinion, the child was too young to remember the incident, and it sounds to me that you stopped yourself before any real damage was done. “What type of kid does that to another?” Maybe the type of kid who had her curiosity about life ignored or shamed and had to satisfy that curiosity on her own in the only way she could think of?April 1, 2019 at 12:20 pm #287213
Like you i’m new to this, but i have suffered a similar problem. At that age our bodies are changing with the onset of puberty. Emotions run high, new hormones are being realised in to the body and strange feeling can emerge that we have never felt before. As a child these are difficult to control and understand so we may do things that are unusual behaviour. When we develop in to adults it’s easy to look back through ” Adult” eyes and can’t comprehend with an “Adult” mind what we were doing. This leads to feelings of guilt, shame etc. one thing a can Guarantee you is this is very common and you’re not alone. I would recommend you talk this through with a therapists to break down the guilt. Best of luck…chin up