September 14, 2021 at 11:02 pm #386326
“Whatever you’re feeling, it will eventually pass. You won’t feel sad forever. At some point, you will feel happy again. You won’t feel anxious forever. In time, you will feel calm again. You don’t have to fight your feelings or feel guilty for having them. You just have to accept them and be good to yourself while you ride this out. Resisting your emotions and shaming yourself will only cause you more pain, and you don’t deserve that. You deserve your own love, acceptance, and compassion.” Lori Deschene
About four years ago I lost my younger sister. A month before she died I discovered she was terminally ill. I was so shocked. Left me feel extremely anxious and mostly guilty. Months earlier I noticed she had been calling me more than usual to chat. Back then I failed to recognize that she was going through depression and found comfort from chatting with me. This still eats at me a lot. When she passed I felt a stab of guilt deep inside as I felt I had let her down.
I still feel the situation would have had a different ending if I had been there for her more. A year after her death I was still struggling to deal with what I felt. Mostly I felt numb. Allowing myself to feel everything was too painful so I put it off.
About a year and some months after her death I met Christopher. He was charming and absolutely breath taking. To me at least. I took an instant liking to him and it was the first time that I had ever talked to anyone openly as I did with Christopher. It was a breath of fresh air and I got the much needed relief that I needed from all the tightness I felt in my chest from all the agony I carried with me.
I felt happier than I felt in a long time. Things were going great. Until he started drawing back. Christopher was great and amazing at the beginning. He was attentive and kind and listened and enjoyed spending time with me. I started depending on him more and more. Which felt so good from my usual life where I did everything myself.
He opened up to me too and we shared deep secrets that we never shared with anyone. I felt like I had made a friend for life. And for a while I felt like I was finally getting back on track. That was until my car broke down and I had to start using public transport more often. At first I told myself I was overthinking it, but as time passed I realized I was not overthinking it.
When Christopher and I became friends there were a lot of perks that I could offer him at work especially because we worked for the same company. I was so excited about having this person that I could talk to without holding back that I didn’t see the telltale signs of his selfishness. You see he had a tough child hood and had come a long way to get to where he is at the moment. He is hungry for success and he is the type that will do anything if it will help him move up.
Unfortunately, by this time we had already mixed pleasure with friendship and unfortunately I was so taken with him I completely neglected to guard my heart and I had made the colossal mistake of falling in love with him. By the time I started opening my eyes to what was happening I was already too deep in to easily pull out.
The moment he realized I had less and less to offer him he pulled back, because things were not going so well for me at the moment. It felt like every problem on earth was targeting me. I felt lost and confused and needed him more than before. This is not what he bargained for and so he did everything to avoid me. I did notice this and it was terribly heart breaking. I chose to ignore. I thought if I was patient with him he would come around. Didn’t realize I was dealing with a narcissistic person.
I decided I needed to get myself off of him. At the same time, I got a not so clever idea in my head that if I got pregnant and had a baby instead I would feel a whole lot better and it would give me a new purpose since at the time I felt like my life was spiraling out of control. I could hardly go through the day without crying at this point. I was utterly miserable.
The worst part of all this is am a single mother raising a boy who is very sensitive. So this was obviously getting to him too. I was now carrying the guilt of not being able to take care of myself emotionally. I was feeling like a terrible mother at this point because I found myself sleeping in more than before over the weekends.
So early this year January I finally fell pregnant. I was very excited and I felt like all my plans where coming to fruition. I had made up my mind I was going to do this all by myself. That was my plan to begin with anyway. So after much deliberation I finally got around to telling Christopher that I was pregnant. To be honest I didn’t expect him to be ecstatic.
His reaction didn’t surprise me at all and I thought I was ready for it. What I was not ready for was his how selfish and mean he would be in the days and months that followed. The pregnancy was not without trouble. I bled constantly despite being ok most of the time. I was sad and anxious all the time.
One day on our way to work he asked me a question that really threw me off and just left me feeling lifeless. He asked me who I would say was responsible if my family or people asked me. It threw me completely off guard I was shell shocked to be honest. This is someone I believed was my friend. How could he ask me something like that?
That day my heart started breaking. After that the bleeding became more frequent. Unfortunately, I lost the baby right before eight weeks. I remember hearing the relief in his voice as I told him over the phone that I had miscarried. I was utterly shattered. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. I was broken and sad…… I am still breaking and sad…. honestly don’t know when I will get better.September 15, 2021 at 6:25 am #386333
You started your original post with a wise quote by Lori Deschene: “You deserve your own love, acceptance, and compassion“-
Elizabeth deserves love, acceptance and compassion. You felt guilt about not being there for your younger sister enough.. because you are a good person. You are a loving person who wants to love and be loved in return, that’s why Christopher was “a breath of fresh air“. You need to feel a purpose and control of your life, that’s why you got pregnant (“a new purpose since at the time I felt like my life was spiraling out of control“).
Lori Deschene: “You don’t have to fight your feelings… accept them and be good to yourself while you ride this out”-
Elizabeth, May 31 in a reply to another member: “You need to redevelop a relationship with yourself. Get to know yourself all over again. Only then can you be of use to anyone else let alone be able to have a healthy relationship… one day at a time.. Don’t try to think way ahead. don’t plan way ahead and stop comparing yourself to others and just do you”-
– Develop a relationship with yourself, one of love, acceptance and compassion for yourself, allowing yourself to feel what you feel and seeing that underneath what you feel there is a good intention, a good desire.. and one day at a time’ find better ways to go about your good intentions and desires, ways that will get you what you need.
I hope to read more from you and reply further.
anitaSeptember 15, 2021 at 6:42 am #386334
Thank you for your response. I needed to talk about what was happening to me. I am unfortunately a very private person and sharing my burdens is not easy for me. I sort of learnt early in life that people tend to use your weakness and especially your pain against you.
I found courage after writing this to seek professional help. I am now seeing a therapist and will be having my second session next weeks.
I am hopeful that i will get better.
Elizabeth.September 15, 2021 at 7:01 am #386337
You are welcome.
“I learnt early in life that people tend to use your weaknesses and especially your pain against you“- it happens to me that someone else’s weaknesses and pain reminds me of my own, and how helpless I was .. and that makes me angry at the other person.. projecting my frustration and anger about my own past helplessness and wasted life.. into the other person, as in: why don’t you do something about your situation now??!!!
Above is me thinking out loud following reading your sentence, reminding myself to be aware of such projection and to not further hurt .. an already hurt person.
“I found courage after writing this to seek professional help“- good to read this, I wish you well!
anitaSeptember 15, 2021 at 7:20 am #386338
Being an Empath makes life very hard for you. there all many people that are selfish and will do anything as long as it makes them feel better, without any regard of what they end up doing to another person.
Christopher sent me an email a while back saying he still liked me.
At that point i realized just how selfish he truly was. i know he definitely misses the attention and affection i gave him because he didn’t have to work for it. i gave because i always thought i will treat him the way i would want to be treated.
i don’t regret being kind to him. I do however regret that he didn’t learn anything from my actions. he is going to hurt more people despite all the love i showed him. It makes me sad.
The world has enough hurt people. We don’t need anymore to be honest. i am so grateful for these exchanges. you have no idea. i can hear myself think finally
ElizabethSeptember 15, 2021 at 7:35 am #386339
You express yourself so well: “The world has enough hurt people. We don’t need anymore“. Sometimes I am amazed by how much pain a person can experience and still be alive.. We shouldn’t add pain on top of pain.
“i can hear myself think finally“- I hope that you hear yourself think more and more, in whatever setting you are comfortable with.