September 14, 2021 at 11:02 pm #386326AnonymousInactive
“Whatever you’re feeling, it will eventually pass. You won’t feel sad forever. At some point, you will feel happy again. You won’t feel anxious forever. In time, you will feel calm again. You don’t have to fight your feelings or feel guilty for having them. You just have to accept them and be good to yourself while you ride this out. Resisting your emotions and shaming yourself will only cause you more pain, and you don’t deserve that. You deserve your own love, acceptance, and compassion.” Lori Deschene
About four years ago I lost my younger sister. A month before she died I discovered she was terminally ill. I was so shocked. Left me feel extremely anxious and mostly guilty. Months earlier I noticed she had been calling me more than usual to chat. Back then I failed to recognize that she was going through depression and found comfort from chatting with me. This still eats at me a lot. When she passed I felt a stab of guilt deep inside as I felt I had let her down.
I still feel the situation would have had a different ending if I had been there for her more. A year after her death I was still struggling to deal with what I felt. Mostly I felt numb. Allowing myself to feel everything was too painful so I put it off.
About a year and some months after her death I met Christopher. He was charming and absolutely breath taking. To me at least. I took an instant liking to him and it was the first time that I had ever talked to anyone openly as I did with Christopher. It was a breath of fresh air and I got the much needed relief that I needed from all the tightness I felt in my chest from all the agony I carried with me.
I felt happier than I felt in a long time. Things were going great. Until he started drawing back. Christopher was great and amazing at the beginning. He was attentive and kind and listened and enjoyed spending time with me. I started depending on him more and more. Which felt so good from my usual life where I did everything myself.
He opened up to me too and we shared deep secrets that we never shared with anyone. I felt like I had made a friend for life. And for a while I felt like I was finally getting back on track. That was until my car broke down and I had to start using public transport more often. At first I told myself I was overthinking it, but as time passed I realized I was not overthinking it.
When Christopher and I became friends there were a lot of perks that I could offer him at work especially because we worked for the same company. I was so excited about having this person that I could talk to without holding back that I didn’t see the telltale signs of his selfishness. You see he had a tough child hood and had come a long way to get to where he is at the moment. He is hungry for success and he is the type that will do anything if it will help him move up.
Unfortunately, by this time we had already mixed pleasure with friendship and unfortunately I was so taken with him I completely neglected to guard my heart and I had made the colossal mistake of falling in love with him. By the time I started opening my eyes to what was happening I was already too deep in to easily pull out.
The moment he realized I had less and less to offer him he pulled back, because things were not going so well for me at the moment. It felt like every problem on earth was targeting me. I felt lost and confused and needed him more than before. This is not what he bargained for and so he did everything to avoid me. I did notice this and it was terribly heart breaking. I chose to ignore. I thought if I was patient with him he would come around. Didn’t realize I was dealing with a narcissistic person.
I decided I needed to get myself off of him. At the same time, I got a not so clever idea in my head that if I got pregnant and had a baby instead I would feel a whole lot better and it would give me a new purpose since at the time I felt like my life was spiraling out of control. I could hardly go through the day without crying at this point. I was utterly miserable.
The worst part of all this is am a single mother raising a boy who is very sensitive. So this was obviously getting to him too. I was now carrying the guilt of not being able to take care of myself emotionally. I was feeling like a terrible mother at this point because I found myself sleeping in more than before over the weekends.
So early this year January I finally fell pregnant. I was very excited and I felt like all my plans where coming to fruition. I had made up my mind I was going to do this all by myself. That was my plan to begin with anyway. So after much deliberation I finally got around to telling Christopher that I was pregnant. To be honest I didn’t expect him to be ecstatic.
His reaction didn’t surprise me at all and I thought I was ready for it. What I was not ready for was his how selfish and mean he would be in the days and months that followed. The pregnancy was not without trouble. I bled constantly despite being ok most of the time. I was sad and anxious all the time.
One day on our way to work he asked me a question that really threw me off and just left me feeling lifeless. He asked me who I would say was responsible if my family or people asked me. It threw me completely off guard I was shell shocked to be honest. This is someone I believed was my friend. How could he ask me something like that?
That day my heart started breaking. After that the bleeding became more frequent. Unfortunately, I lost the baby right before eight weeks. I remember hearing the relief in his voice as I told him over the phone that I had miscarried. I was utterly shattered. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. I was broken and sad…… I am still breaking and sad…. honestly don’t know when I will get better.September 15, 2021 at 6:25 am #386333
You started your original post with a wise quote by Lori Deschene: “You deserve your own love, acceptance, and compassion“-
Elizabeth deserves love, acceptance and compassion. You felt guilt about not being there for your younger sister enough.. because you are a good person. You are a loving person who wants to love and be loved in return, that’s why Christopher was “a breath of fresh air“. You need to feel a purpose and control of your life, that’s why you got pregnant (“a new purpose since at the time I felt like my life was spiraling out of control“).
Lori Deschene: “You don’t have to fight your feelings… accept them and be good to yourself while you ride this out”-
Elizabeth, May 31 in a reply to another member: “You need to redevelop a relationship with yourself. Get to know yourself all over again. Only then can you be of use to anyone else let alone be able to have a healthy relationship… one day at a time.. Don’t try to think way ahead. don’t plan way ahead and stop comparing yourself to others and just do you”-
– Develop a relationship with yourself, one of love, acceptance and compassion for yourself, allowing yourself to feel what you feel and seeing that underneath what you feel there is a good intention, a good desire.. and one day at a time’ find better ways to go about your good intentions and desires, ways that will get you what you need.
I hope to read more from you and reply further.
anitaSeptember 15, 2021 at 6:42 am #386334AnonymousInactive
Thank you for your response. I needed to talk about what was happening to me. I am unfortunately a very private person and sharing my burdens is not easy for me. I sort of learnt early in life that people tend to use your weakness and especially your pain against you.
I found courage after writing this to seek professional help. I am now seeing a therapist and will be having my second session next weeks.
I am hopeful that i will get better.
Elizabeth.September 15, 2021 at 7:01 am #386337
You are welcome.
“I learnt early in life that people tend to use your weaknesses and especially your pain against you“- it happens to me that someone else’s weaknesses and pain reminds me of my own, and how helpless I was .. and that makes me angry at the other person.. projecting my frustration and anger about my own past helplessness and wasted life.. into the other person, as in: why don’t you do something about your situation now??!!!
Above is me thinking out loud following reading your sentence, reminding myself to be aware of such projection and to not further hurt .. an already hurt person.
“I found courage after writing this to seek professional help“- good to read this, I wish you well!
anitaSeptember 15, 2021 at 7:20 am #386338AnonymousInactive
Being an Empath makes life very hard for you. there all many people that are selfish and will do anything as long as it makes them feel better, without any regard of what they end up doing to another person.
Christopher sent me an email a while back saying he still liked me.
At that point i realized just how selfish he truly was. i know he definitely misses the attention and affection i gave him because he didn’t have to work for it. i gave because i always thought i will treat him the way i would want to be treated.
i don’t regret being kind to him. I do however regret that he didn’t learn anything from my actions. he is going to hurt more people despite all the love i showed him. It makes me sad.
The world has enough hurt people. We don’t need anymore to be honest. i am so grateful for these exchanges. you have no idea. i can hear myself think finally
ElizabethSeptember 15, 2021 at 7:35 am #386339
You express yourself so well: “The world has enough hurt people. We don’t need anymore“. Sometimes I am amazed by how much pain a person can experience and still be alive.. We shouldn’t add pain on top of pain.
“i can hear myself think finally“- I hope that you hear yourself think more and more, in whatever setting you are comfortable with.
anitaOctober 15, 2021 at 4:48 pm #387386
How are you Elizabeth, a month since you posted last?
anitaOctober 18, 2021 at 10:47 pm #387533AnonymousInactive
I have been doing so much better. Every day that passes it gets better. Had a conversation with Christopher and I realised that all the things I had thought we had him and I were all imagined. Talking to this guy objectively and I realised every single thing he does is calculated. Everything that comes out of his mouth is a ploy. It’s been rather disappointing that I gave so much of my heart to someone that doesn’t even deserve common human decency. you know he had a very hard childhood growing up. I can kinda liken his situation to how the abused becomes an abuser too. I got the vibe that he thinks because he had a tough childhood he is justified in being mean and using people so that he gets his way. he is not a nice human being.
So he says to me that when he was breaking up with me he never imagined that things would be this bad. As in us becoming total strangers. listening to this guy talking like that convinced me even more that this is a man that is driven by success without ever finding out who he is. all that matters to him is acknowledgement from others. In his mind, he thinks this will make him happy. I think its quite sad, to be honest with you.
I turned down a marriage proposal and broke up with my current long-distance boyfriend. I made the mistake of getting involved with someone else in the hopes of trying to get over Christopher. Freddie is a very strange man and I always got a weird vibe off of him.
He kept pushing to get married, but I guess it’s because I have a stable job and he is looking for someone to take care of him. I nipped that in the bud. He sounded disappointed but I was not going to risk my son’s safety for anyone. He is a divorcee and the circumstances of the divorce that was narrated to me did not convince me. I felt like I needed to get the ex’s perspective too.
All in all, I have been doing so much better. My therapy sessions have been going well. I have another one today and I am hoping that I get to unlock more of myself.
I will definitely keep you updated on my progress if you are interested.
Elizabeth.October 19, 2021 at 10:41 am #387541
I am definitely interested in you keeping me updated! Good to read that you are doing so much better and that your therapy sessions are going well!
Reading your update regarding Christopher makes me think of how often we don’t really know the people we feel so close to. Sometimes we need so desperately to have an honest, loving, trustworthy person in our lives, that we imagine someone to be that person.. seeing what we need to see, not who and what is really there.
“I turned down a marriage proposal and broke up with my current long-distance boyfriend… a very strange man and I always got a weird vibe off of him. He kept pushing to get married, but I guess it’s because I have a stable job and he is looking for someone to take care of him. I nipped that in the bud… I was not going to risk my son’s safety for anyone. He is a divorcee and the circumstances of the divorce that was narrated to me did not convince me. I felt like I needed to get the ex’s perspective too“-
– I copied this part because it is worth reposting: it is wonderful, that you nipped that in the bud, admirable that you cared for your son in this way. Congratulations for doing the right thing for yourself and for your son!
anitaOctober 19, 2021 at 9:37 pm #387551AnonymousInactive
I had another therapy session and this week I have a task to write a letter to my ex. I will not be giving it to me but my therapist says sometimes it helps us see things from a different perspective once we visualize them. he says when you write your thoughts down you are adding reality to them and as such we tend to be more objective on the things that we read. it helps de-personalize it and takes out the biased from the situation. then next I am going to write a list of qualities that I am looking for in friends and possibly a future partner.
this is something that I am willing to try. talking about looking for someone we can depend on in our lives, this describes exactly what I was going through at the time that I met Christopher. I had just lost my sister, the only other person that I shared really deep secrets with. that month had been a gruesome month.
My younger sister died from AIDS. whenever I think of her my heart breaks. I found all this out in the same month that she passed. the worst part is I also got to learn that Both my parents are HIV positive and had been living with this disease for a very long time and no one had bothered to tell me about it. a month after finding out the truth about her illness my sister passed. it’s at this point that I met Christopher. the fact that he was able to share with me his own life story and that his mother was equally positive is something that made me bond with him so quickly. it felt like I could relate to him.
I will write more about it in my post.
Elizabeth.October 20, 2021 at 12:50 am #387555AnonymousInactive
I got the timeline of when I met Christopher all wrong. I have remembered so clearly now. I met him a month after my sister had passed. I think I have buried so many things in my mind to avoid me from feeling the pain I am supposed to feel. reading back through what I have posted it’s like am beginning to recollect and see things from a fresh perspective.
It’s very strange. I don’t think I have ever truly confronted my own discomfort and myself head-on like this before
This is truly unnerving. I don’t know what to do with all these feelings that I am feeling right now.
Elizabeth.October 20, 2021 at 12:56 am #387556bojo2112jonParticipant
Thanks guys!October 20, 2021 at 12:58 am #387557AnonymousInactive
I am not sure what you are thankful for…
ElizabethOctober 20, 2021 at 6:55 am #387560AnonymousInactive
Below is the first exchange we had had after over 2 months. I am trying to give you a clear picture of where am coming from. seeing this is heartbreaking, but it’s not the type of heartbreak that is immobilizing anymore.
Subject: Get a clue
You are a joke.
My hope is that you’ll finally forgive me that you’ll let go of the hurt that I’ve caused you even as we go on being total strangers.
It’s not me that has to forgive you. Staying angry at you would be wasting more time on you than I already have. It’s you that has to forgive yourself for being a despicable human being.
You are selfish and arrogant and everything that comes out of your mouth is nothing but meaningless wordplay. I honestly believe you don’t know how to be genuine. People like you make the world very unpleasant for a lot of people. You can keep playing your games. ‘” Everyone likes me, everyone thinks am nice” I know better. But then again I honestly believe you don’t even know how to be honest with yourself.
Everything is about you, Christopher. Whatever makes you feel good about yourself, you do.
It’s all about the impressions and being liked. I feel sorry for you. People like you never get to know who they are…
And now that the high of showing Elizabeth what you are made of is done, you are trying to find absolution from the same place you burnt down so that you can ease your mind so that you can feel better about yourself. Despite everything that you have done you are truly selfish to the very end. You still want to take Christopher. All you do is take. You don’t know how to give. You truly are a taker. You take, take and take more. Now you want my forgiveness so that you ease your mind. Still taking… you are like a Grim Reaper. Christopher, I don’t owe you any absolution, I don’t owe you any forgiveness. There is none here for you.
Even when you ask for forgiveness, it has nothing to do with me. I know for a fact you are doing this because you don’t like how you feel about yourself (still selfish). I am certain you are not sorry. Anyone who is capable of cutting someone who is already down and broken is not a human being that is capable of genuine remorse. I am so sick of people like you thinking that you can do whatever you want and then backtrack with a weak apology. You keep playing games because you don’t know how to be genuine and sincere. This is all you know, play games and make meaningless apologies. I am neither impressed nor moved by you or your antics.
I don’t need your apology, Christopher. Keep it. I am doing just fine without it.
Find your absolution somewhere else
“that you’ll let go of the hurt that I’ve caused you” Why on earth would I hold on to any anger towards you? Anger is reserved for people who deserve absolution. You don’t.
Subject: RE: Get a clue.
If I don’t, no one else will. You know I’m full of it so why would I cut it now?
Work well you special ones.
Subject: RE: Get a clue.
You give yourself too much credit. You are not that SPECIAL. Please cut the BS
Subject: RE: Get a clue.
It’s ok, I understand you. It’s ok for you not to talk to me again and I know well now not to greet you again.
My hope is that you’ll finally forgive me that you’ll let go of the hurt that i’ve caused you even as we go on being total strangers.
P.S. I did not have to reply but I chose to.
Subject: Get a clue.
I am not one to say things without thinking. I always try to be thoughtful with my words even when dealing with people I don’t particularly care for.
That being said I have this to say to you. And it’s my earnest and most sincere hope that this is the VERY last time I will have to communicate with you in any manner.
Please stop greeting me. I am not interested in your greeting. I don’t want it. I don’t need it.
I categorically have no wish, desire, need nor want to know how you are doing and vice versa. It’s not my business and I just don’t care.
I know you have issues with people thinking negatively about you. At this point, it’s not my business to keep your persona in a positive light.
Leave me out of it. Deal with it whichever way you please just leave me out of it.
I don’t want any part of it.
P.S. No reply required.October 20, 2021 at 6:56 am #387561AnonymousInactive
Anita read from the bottom up