I also suffer from BDP. My therapist said I have traits of it. Although, I have learned to reduce the anger that has deeply affected me by living in the present and taking things as is if I cannot control it. I met a guy, PhD candidate in the midst of this COVID19 pandemic. We decided to go for a drink. We both just got out of a relationship, except he is going through a divorce. He has a lot of passion, and so do I. But, he is angrier. I learned to stop being angry because it has afflicted my past relationships. The first 2 weeks we spent time together, he asked me “are we playing table tennis or are we playing tennis?” I think he meant if we should be in a serious relationship or not. I told him that we should take it slow, because we were just getting to know each other. He would demean me for “living the moment.”

We would chat every day, see each other a few times a week. Suddenly, we only saw each other once a week. Sometimes he is so dismissive and lacks communication. That I get thrown off, I tell him how I feel and then he lashes out on me. I withdraw, let it cool off. There were times where he would tell me he loves me and shows a lot of endearment. Then, it changes so quickly. Criticizes me, judges me, makes fun of me. Because I was practicing not to be that way, I just retreat and shut down. I spent time with him last Tuesday, I worked from home at his place and he worked on making kits for the protests. He is fueled by the protest. This week has been hard, it has been hard especially COVID19 and the civil unrest. We also live in Chicago.

He was in a weird mood I could tell. I tried to kiss him and give him love every now and then while we worked separately in his apartment. We went for a walk after, I was going to make dinner at his apartment. When we went for walk, one of the restaurants opened their outdoor seating. A few men would walk by, and he said “why don’t you go after them?” I was just silently walking with him. I didn’t say a word.

I have been loyal to him. Even though, we were still seeing each other. I always tell him how much I care about him and how much I miss him. Yet, sometimes, I think he thinks I am being dishonest. I have guy friends and he has girlfriends. I don’t get jealous. I did in the beginning when he used to talk about his exes and his ex-wife. I stopped doing that. He was ruthless that day, all week.

He asked me if I wanted to have dinner at the restaurant, I said.. we can, but I also planned dinner. He goes “why not, o well Coronavirus, o well. What do you think?” I said “its up to you.”

He goes “Why don’t you have an opinion?” I said “we can eat here its fine, or we can eat at home.”

He is so quick to change his mind, gets irritable. Idk. Is it me? We talked about the protest. When I get excited, he says “you’re yelling.” Even though I wasn’t. we talked about the future and he goes “what do you want out of a relationship?” a second later, “Nevermind, let’s not talk about that.” Before I could respond. He was on his phone much of the time, and then shuts it off. He says ” I could tell it bothers you.”

I said “Its okay, you have work, its important.” I was disappointed but didn’t want to anger him. We chatted again.

Walked home, I gave him a kiss on a cheek and thanked him. Then he asked me if I was going to spend the night again. I said sure, I could go home in the AM for work. Then he brought up my hamster, if he was going to be okay.

I told him my hamster is fine and that I check on him every day before I leave. When we got to the elevator, we stared at each other. At his apartment, I changed into comfortable clothes. Then he asked about my hamster again.

I said, “I can go home if you’re concerned about my hamster.” I did not yell. I simply just said that. Then he raised his voice and said “you know what, get out of here.” My impression of him bringing up my hamster was because he wanted me out. I silently picked up my things and tired to give him a hug and thanked him for dinner.

He goes “no, don’t touch me”

I left. Took a lyft. He called me at the lyft. Ending it with me. Saying “We are not meant for each other, that we’re incompatible”

A week and a half ago, he was telling me how great I was, that he misses me. Idk what changed? I haven’t done anything. He tells me I can do whatever I want, to “do me.” I always get so confused. He says “you’re not happy, I’m not happy.”

He told me how proud he is of me. How I changed him because he is eating healthy, running more, and living the present.

Most of the time, I want to spend time with him and talk to him. Yet, he gives me such mixed emotions. I am trying not to go down the spiral, and know my self-worth. I lost him, and I don’t understand why he is so angry at me. What do I do? I hate losing a friend.

• This topic was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by lil.lily.
• This topic was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by lil.lily.