First of all, it is awesome that you extracted yourself from a very controlling marriage, where you were cut off from all friends and family except his own. That is VERY hard for people to do. That requires incredible strength and belief in your self-worth.

One of the problems, I suspect, is that you were cut off from other people for so long and this was the first real connection you had felt in a LONG time. And yes, it feels amazing. The fact that he doesn’t feel the same way though, doesn’t actually mean anything about YOU. He made it sound like is was about you, but it’s not. It’s about him, what kind of relationship he is capable of, what he is capable of giving, etc. And right now, he can’t give you much. And he told you that from the beginning. It’s a lesson that we ALL learn the hard way. There is no way around it, and I’m sure most of us have to learn this lesson many times in our lives: when someone tells you who they are, believe them. None of this “oh but he’s so wonderful, he acts so caring, when he looks into my eyes I see such a beautiful soul, I’ll help him see how wonderful he really is.” Knock it off. He told you who he is, accept that.

You might also have a limited perspective because your husband was the only man you’ve really dated. I, on the other hand, have never been married and have dated plenty. And it is really hard to get used to rejection and it can be heartbreaking. No doubt about that. I’ve had my heart shattered, waiting for a year and a half for my ex to realize that I’m awesome and he loved me. It didn’t happen. But I eventually realized that rejection isn’t *so* horrible when your self worth isn’t on the line. So, I flipped the scenario. Looked at it from the opposite view: I’ve dated some really wonderful, nice guys who were looking for something serious. They treated me well and did all the right things. Any girl would be lucky to date these guys. But something was missing on my end. The chemistry or the trust or the passion or the attachment or something was missing. This did NOT in any way make them less great, or less worthy of finding someone awesome who appreciates them, or less of a person. And the same goes for me; just because my ex clearly felt something was missing, that doesn’t make me less awesome or less worthy of love or appreciation. And the same goes for you.

I’ve been rejected numerous times. I’ve also rejected just as many potential boyfriends. And in the dating world, you will be rejected and you will reject others too. That’s okay. You should be picky. You should look for someone who makes you feel amazing and appreciated and SEEN. And it should be someone who actually does those things — who actually appreciates you and SEES you. And it should be someone who you love and admire and respect, exactly as they are — not an improved version of them, not a “but if I give it time he’ll change his mind” — exactly as he is.

You clearly have the strength to move beyond this. I know it hurts and it’s totally okay to be hurt and to cry and be heartbroken. But you believed in yourself enough to get out of a very controlling marriage. A lot of people don’t get out of those. So, you do have that strength. You just have more work to do. Keep working on really understanding that you are enough, with or without a relationship. That you are wonderful. That you are beauty. That you are strength. That you are whole.