Dear Sophia:

You asked: “should I stay here and focus on getting mentally healthy and work on getting rid of my social anxiety (before/ if you move away)?”

My partial answer is: getting mentally healthy is a slow, slow process. You may not be able to “get rid” of your anxiety even if you attend therapy for years. With work, it is likely to lessen, over time, a long time. Also, anxiety may travel from social anxiety to … another type. Your anxiety, in some form, to some extent, is likely to be with you for a while.

Your lack of social life where you are, lack of a “social support system” is a real problem for any person, especially an anxious person.

I would say: number one priority for you is to seek that social support system- it can be attending psychotherapy with a competent, empathetic therapist. It could be attending group therapy, or a self help program for the socially anxious… need to find that support.

You wrote that your job is a good job with an organization that you like. Is it transferrable to another location? If it is, moving may be a good idea; you can keep your job. If not, try really hard to find that social support system where you are, first, before attempting any other solution.

anita

The anxiety you are creating can absolutely be overcome, changed, eliminated. The number of people who have been creating severe anxieties only for them to create totally different behaviours, thoughts and habits is high.

I wouldn’t say the path is ‘easy’ in the sense of clicking your fingers, but nor would I say it’s ‘hard’ in the sense of nigh-on impossible like Anita suggested.

Professional help could indeed help but I would personally favour some kind of life coach who does a lot of work helping people to shift the way they use their minds and bodies, as opposed to a therapist who may want to discuss your past and go on about it, although you may find either / both useful.

I would say I used to have pretty bad social anxiety though I never labelled it like that at the time, I got myself out of the rut by pushing myself out of my comfort zone, by reading philosophy and psychology and self-help books, by doing a lot of work on myself (self development), by doing some improv comedy – this I recommend hugely, though it may seem like a bizarre thing to suggest, but I recommend it because the people that tend to do it are very kind, supportive and it’s excellent for learning how to break out of low-status and nervous patterns – and so on and so on. I’m still not fearless by any means, but I’ve lost a large amount of the fear and relate very differently to myself, other people and the world now. I’m still on the journey.

Yeah it might take years, but if you enjoy the process then it’s not drudgery, it’s fun. Luckily I enjoy the process. If you’re going to change this then the most important thing IMO is to choose to do so, how you are going to do it can be figured out as you go along. There’s no one size fits all path. All you need to know is that your brain is extremely flexible, neuroplasticity and the fact that you are in constant flux and your personality is kind of a constructed story you tell yourself about an ever-changing organism means that you have a hell of a lot of leeway. Yeah you have a large number of habits, but habits can be changed with conscious attention and will. Your relationship to your thoughts can be changed through mindfulness meditation and so on. You are not being affected by anybody else. You are only being affected by YOUR OWN THOUGHTS. Nobody is making you feel scared. They don’t and can’t have that power. Your THOUGHTS (in the broadest sense) are leading to fear within you. Work on it over time, you will make progress. Look for small changes and small progress, filter for change instead of the stuff that seems similar. That way you are telling your mind and body to keep changing and rewarding it for doing so, instead of thinking “oh no, I still felt tons of fear, even though it wasn’t as bad as it has been in the past”, which is just going to impede your progress.

Good luck, it’s a well trodden path but it’s a different one for everybody. You are not alone at all in experiencing anxiety, and you are not alone at all if you go from experiencing anxiety to becoming the creator of your reality and choosing to act, think and feel completely differently across time, so that you look back and barely recognize yourself. But I think it’s a very noble path, personally.

EDIT: Actually, if you are feeling really alone, then get yourself into some communities if you feel able. If you’re religious go to a church or something, go to a few clubs. Unless the fear is so paralyzing that you wouldn’t dream of doing that right now, if there’s any chance of you doing that no matter how nervous you feel you might be, just do it because nobody minds if you’re nervous and it’ll be good for you to do so. You probably think that people judge you for being anxious but I reckon this is all part of the thinking that is creating anxiety for you. It’s all thoughts, “they don’t like me”, “they think I’m stupid”, whatever. It’s all thoughts thoughts and thoughts. The reality is probably so different – and unknowable anyway – that you would be pretty surprised if you could just see outside of those thoughts and have a very different experience. Professional support is probably a fantastic idea for you if it is totally crippling and you feel lost in other ways, but I would supplement this with a hell of a lot of reading and watching videos, consuming self help and philosophy and psychology, doing practices like tai chi, yoga, meditation, if any of that stuff is up your street. It’ll all help.

• This reply was modified 8 years ago by Rock Banana.
• This reply was modified 8 years ago by Rock Banana.
• This reply was modified 8 years ago by Rock Banana.
• This reply was modified 8 years ago by Rock Banana.

Dear Sophia:

You are welcome. At the age of 25 I found myself in London for the very first time. It was a wonderful, almost magical week for me, in London. But then, I was a tourist. Loved the grey weather, the beautiful garden parks, it was all so magical for me. A few years later I was in London again, and it was not a good experience. I was not prepared, like I was on that first week. So being Prepared is very important, from my personal experience there. Prepare: living accommodations, transportation (Map of the efficient Underground, etc.

Post again, anytime.
anita

Anita, your experience sounds a lot like what people experience out here. If they are prepared it’s a totally different experience from being unprepared. We just don’t have the wandering bands of pick-pockets… yet 😉

In all seriousness, preparation is important. People moved out here in the last decade to “better themselves,” move away from other situations, for opportunities, etc. At lot of them wound up leaving after a short time simply because they weren’t prepared for the change. Things are different when you pass “nowhere” to get to your destination; people didn’t realize that (closest city of more than 50,000 people is ~240 miles away). People came out here from all over with dollar signs in their eyes. They came with no place to stay, no plan, and no preparation (read that potential corpsicle come winter). It did not end well for many of them.

Anita is right, you need to prepare if you are looking at moving. Moving to get away from anxiety won’t work. I have lived in Florida, North Dakota, Ohio, and Virginia; my anxiety didn’t magically stop when I crossed the border from West Virginia to Ohio, or any other border.

Like you, I’m not terribly adept at the social scene. Unless you live in a place like Amidon, ND (population of 26 clannish souls), moving is probably not the answer. I would suggest making yourself go places and meet people. Have found that I have had to do the same myself.