My friend Jimmy observing this nonsense was literally like “It’s crazy that for once you’re the tolerable one in the situation.”

But its true I used to be the person always nagging someone.

Then tell my friends or the person about this thing they did that I don’t like.

Talking to my friends before like “Oh guess what he did now…” has changed to .. “Guess what he’s mad at me for this time”….

Yea John lol

“It reads to me that although you crave intimacy, you also withdraw from it” &  I can agree.

That’s the thing my family instilled in me. But I cant quite place the trait.

He told me the first time he met me and my family that he could read off them that it bothered them almost annoyed them; to see me loved. We are affectionate in public or around them. They have all made comments about it like “where did she learn that” and etc things in that nature. Like I wasn’t hugged as a child. In my family people don’t tell you they love you. Your just supposed to know…its implied type thing.

I was alone a very large majority of my childhood. But especially when I was 13 till  I graduated. My mom went to prison long story short. I had to live with my grandfather the rest of college. I don’t know if I really know what emotional abuse is, but that probably was it.

I really need my personal space is something I have learned. I’ll just be sitting there and all of a sudden just don’t want to be bothered. I find it a little stressful sometimes when I realize I have kind of given up my personal space.

He says I’ll have these moments where I just shut off. For example: We spend the most time together on the weekends. We are kind of homebodies. So for 3 days I am the bomb to him he is happy I’m happy cuz hes happy but by Sunday I really just kind of want to be left alone because we have been in each others faces non stop for going on 72 hours. He’s like I have you and then I lose you.

I used to think he got offended by it so even when I wanted to be alone ya kno I would just stay in his space. My mom always said attitudes are contagious. So it would cause a rift.

We discussed it and now he is okay with just leaving me alone for a little when I need my space.

I like to keep the stories of the things that happen to me light because honestly if I told them for what they were it could get pretty dark. And even being a depressed person I am still a good time. I hate being a downer if I can help it. Even though its a pitty party convention lol in actuality I don’t want it to come off like that I guess, so I joke.

 

• This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Jenny Lynn.

Yea I guess its like I don’t know how to let someone be submerged in me because I have never had that. So after a while I started feeling like I didn’t need it either..

So what would be some advice to handle his moods when he is getting upset with me. I don’t like to scale other peoples feelings. LIKE HEY! feel however you want to, no one gets to decide that. But sometimes I feel like all he wants to do is complain and bicker.

Truthfully it irritates me into causing a bigger conflicts because to me he’s bringing up or talking about stuff that just doesn’t matter in the big picture. Especially when something has already irritated him. Like the Jimmy thing the other day. He will take that and afterwards it doesn’t take much for him to find something to pick at as well.

I know I make it worse by getting irritated with him. But its just hard for me to control because I don’t know what else to say.

 

And sorry about the delayed response. I wanted to be back at my desktop to type. 🙂

“I didn’t understand “I don’t know how to let someone be submerged in me”- what do you mean by submerged in you?”

Like me literally being what someone thinks about all day everyday. The most important thing in someone else’s life. Literally its like his entire world revolves around me. That’s just something I’m not used to I guess. I’ve never been anyone’s #1 priority before.

So the bickering. Im going to copy and paste some parts from the previous share because it really did happen that way.

but Im actually going to quote the messages.

So the last messages we exchanged were fine we were just joking it was about 6:40pm and he was still at work.

At 7:35pm I text him and say “Im about to go meet Jimmy at Cheddars and then we will be back at the house. So I’ll see you then since your camping out at work. lol”

Him: Damn Aite

Me: What is to “Damn” about?

Him: Nothing I guess I’ll go find something to do I’ll see u

Me: I told you Jimmy was coming over today…he’s hungry and want to go eat. He’s buying. Its not like I am spending money.

(I find myself trying to figure out what I’ve said that bothered him. So I say this because I told him my money was low and he had been picking up the slack so to speak so I didn’t want him to feel like oh I can pay for food with other people but not him. So let me clarify that. Right? Nope cuz he’s continues.

Him:  You said he was coming to the HOUSE

Him: You good *thumbs up*

Me: I was literally waiting for him to tell me he was on the way from work and he said he was hungry and buying so meet him at a restaurant. What am I going to say? I cant leave the house? -__-

Him: That has nothing to do with nothing

Me: It has everything to do with it. Im not understanding the issue here. He is coming to the house still.

So then he stopped texting me and I’m in the car and I call him while I was driving.

He says that he doesn’t want to hear my reasoning because I’m just talking in circles and that I because we were going to Cheddars that means I had always known that we were going to get food. because I had been wanting to go there because I had told him a week or so ago.

When in reality jimmy just named 4 places and told me to pick. Wings, Pizza, Cheddars, and Chinese. Ironically Cheddars was one of his picks too. No biggie.

But he isn’t hearing any of that.

So then the next day hes just picking and bickering at whatever;

I text him: When are you coming home today??

Him: Idk watssup?

Me: I was just curious. I told you last week or so that I’d like you to tell me that but u didn’t start doing it so I guess my next option was just asking you.

Him: Aawwwwwww okay. I thought you was gonna have some food ready of have something for me.

Me: Is that the only reason I can know when you will be coming home?

Him: That’s Never Been The Reason. Its never nothing for me. I was just saying.

(Girl I surprise him with shit all the time! Like food cooked, or ill hide stuff around his belongings so he finds little gift when he comes in)

Me: Never is a strong word. I never have food for you when you get home? I never have surprises for you when you get home? That’s just untrue. You say I do “nothing for you” just whenever you feel like saying it.

Him: Negative

Me: Well I’m sorry you feel that way I disagree but your entitled to your opinion.

——–

later on in bed:

I was laying on him like oh you smell good. did you take a shower?

Him: Yea before I went to my moms. Did you take a shower?

Me: No,

Him: Oh you didn’t get all spiffy for your friend Jimmy? (Him still trying to imply I knew I was going somewhere..I DIDNT)

Me: No,.

Him: You didn’t have makeup on?

Me: No..

Him: Not even that concelor stuff you say isn’t makeup

Me: No…

Him: *Gets up and goes in bathroom* *Comes back  and lays down*

Me: I don’t know whats in there or whats on the counter. but I haven’t even washed my face yet you can look at me…I don’t have make up on…

Him: Oh well the stuff was on the counter….

Me: Okay well Idk what to tell you. because I literally don’t have any on. MAYBE I was going to put concelor on but I was also texting you trying to get out the house too so maybe I just forgot to actually do it

….but why does it matter…like literally why are we even talking about this.

—–Sunday

I was going to make these really special cupcakes for him and I needed peanut butter oreos. I already was at one store and they didn’t have them. So I go to a whole other store looking for them so I can make these for him right. but im texting him during.

1:30pm–They don’t have peanut butter oreos 🙁 🙁

2:12pm-What that mean

2:22pm–I send him a picture of *Walmart and peanut butter oreos* and I say Going in up in Walmart for you!! Don’t ever want to hear that I don’t love you bs again lol <3 <3

2:15pm–Hell fucking looooooo

2:20–??

(If your noticing the times are out of order its because he has bad reception at his job, he knows it, I know it, and now you know it but for some reason he just doesn’t ever take that into account before he gets mad and acts like Im not responding to his messages) I wasn’t getting them. Then when I did I didn’t really understand what he was saying. I thought hell fucking looo was a typo for “hell fucking yea lol” like oh that’s whats up you got the cookies.

But he calls me 2:22pm

I answer and he says “your not getting my message?”. I was like “Im trying to figure out what it says.” He was like “are you still in the store?”. I was like yea and he just hung up. Im like what?

So then I look at the messages and see none of my messages have actually delieved to his phone. Since Ive been in Walmart

So his messages look like:

Me: They don’t have peanut butter oreos 🙁 🙁

Him: Whats that mean?

Him: Hell fucking looooo

Him: ??

When in reality Ive been texting you back the entire time.

I called him back he didn’t answer and I text him like Wayu hang up for?

You weren’t getting my messages.

Then I see them all deliever at once so he probably had 6-7 of my messages come thru. but now he isn’t reading them because hes mad.

Im like “Really? this is what I get ignored? While im trying to do something nice for you.

He message me back like 45 min later like “Okay”

I said “Okay? U not going to say my bad baby, miscommunication, sorry babe? nothing

him: “You was reading and not writing back you almost didn’t answer the phone”

I was like ” No I just didn’t understand what I was reading because I thought they were replies to what I sent you…that you didn’t receive”

Him: “Aite”

Me: How can you say someone almost didn’t answer tho. that’s so presumptive because beyond all that I ANSWERED. you don’t know how long the phone rang on my end and I was while in a store doing something for you!

I guess you not going to see it like u just over exaggerated and got mad without the facts.

That’s 3-4 through examples. lol

 

Ahhhhhhh! okay ok ok lol Great dialogue 🙂 haha

Yea I have a friend who works with kids in crisis management in a school she has said that about him too. Like he may have a mental issue he needs to come to terms with before he starts seeing things in a better light than he obviously does.

I still cant place what it is exactly though, some type of Anger Management, Bipolar..Depression..Narcissism. Idk.

I can see what you mean though about not liking himself. He is very self conscious. Yet very full of himself at the same time; I guess I could say very confident in his abilites. Kind of like I am lol (cuz we are alike) Sometimes I forget because he’s so great to me that he has issues just like everyone else.

Like his weight bothers him. But to me he literally is regular size person who just put on a little weight. Hes 6’1″ no stomach or anything crazy. He carries is so unnoticeable. I can see he internalizes it tho. Like he doesn’t walk around with no shirt on. I can actually say I have seen him with no shirt on maybe 5 times. But we have sex though…I don’t say anything but maybe I should because I used to do that when I first started having sex and I was uncomfortable with my body and things like that. My boyfriend that forgot my birthday a few years back had to break me of that. Like it literally almost ruined our relationship and then John solidified that wont be tolerated either lol. Like I see what you look like. That doesn’t matter. What matters more is that you’re making me feel like your not comfortable around me. That made sense to me, it freed me from that self consciousness that had plagued me for so long. But at the same time I don’t say anything because I don’t want to pressure him because I KNOW why I did it and I understand.

Or this I want to say; NEED to feel special.  You said it right about the comparison to Jimmy. Not necessarily him in the example but that is something that bothers him. If I do something for someone else that I may do for him too. That kind of stuff irritates him because he says that makes him feel regular.

Also another thing is he’s one of those people who take pride in that “I don’t need anyone, I don’t need friends” mentality. Or the “I dont tell people my business, I dont tell people my flaws”

When to me that’s actually a hindrance of growth because if you don’t have value of other people in your life that means you don’t value their opinions and thoughts. So with him not having friends I think that’s why he thinks he knows everything and everything he does is right because there no one there saying otherwise.

When I had character flaws that made me not so appealing my friends would tell me that and over time I have realized and incorporated that into my growth as an adult. Like listening, or not cutting people off, or seeing that my perspective is not the only one, or not jumping to conclusions, getting angry first/ finding out what really happened second.

Literally in typing this I just realized, I have only met 2 other people who know him and never conversed with either. I have met his mother in passing and his younger (16) brother getting dropped off somewhere.

He’s met my Mom, soon to be step dad, brother, aunt, uncle, and 1,2,3,4,5 of my cousins, and my best friends L,N,A,and J lol

Is that weird??

“Regarding being submerged, being Glenn’s number one priority, if that is what you meant,  my thought is that the reactivation of I-am-treated-as-less-than neuropathway will keep him focused on you as  his #1 focus and number one source of triggered annoyance, but it is not the same  of making you his number #1  priority.”  THIS IS A GREAT POINT as well

And I already do walk on egg shells honestly. Border lining pins and needles because it doesn’t hurt yet but it does cause me anxiety sometimes. One of my closest friends said even though Glen is probably as far as ‘points of a person goes’ the best guy I have been with.. She could tell I felt “more free” when I was with John.

Right now hes working A LOT! I don’t know what point hes trying to make to me exactly though:

1. If we not together I am good regardless

2. Ok, you want me to leave…I’ll give you so much space it’ll be like I left but didn’t actually leave

3. Realize he needs to focus on something other than me (which I am ok with) because so do I.

Who knows.

” it is that his experience with people, possibly with his parents to  start, was  such that people did not give him such good input”

In regards to this do you thinks that’s why he doesn’t really involve me in his family life? Should I not take it personal then?

I mean I am on speaking terms with my family always but as you know I’m not close with them either. We see each other holidays or randomly when my mom comes into the city of something. But I’m not ya know Full House either lol So I find it hard to scale because I literally don’t see anyone he knows at all in comparison to him doing something in the same relm as me just more drastically.

I feel this sense of urgency he has sometimes to just leave and go far far away from everyone. We live in the city he was raised in but I moved here 6-7 years ago now.

He said he traveled a lot before he met me. But when he would go places he would stay really long periods of time.

He even said that he didn’t talk to his mom for 3 years. In his words “My mom that I woke up with for 17 years and took care of me…I didn’t talk to her for 3 years almost” He didn’t tell me the reason why but we were talking about that in comparison to me not talking to my dad for 10 years but he was inconsistent in my life when I chose to not have him in my life anymore.

He has sort of implied to me his family is his biggest “secret”. I’m going to say secret for lack of a better word because I cant recall.

 “His work is like the shirt he wears to cover his perceived inadequacies and  inferiorities. So he wears  it longer these days”

Oh!! and this was just a great metaphor. Yea I understand. That actually makes me feel really bad. 🙁

• This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Jenny Lynn.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Jenny Lynn.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Jenny Lynn.

I don’t think he meant something specific as the “biggest secret.” I think he meant like overall they are his biggest secret. I guess like you said they are the root of his issues.

Should I take that personally that he doesn’t care for me to know them? In all fairness I didn’t introduce my family to him because of their importance to me. It was more the opposite. I’m introducing them to him because of his importance. In any other scenario I probably wouldn’t have because that just isn’t something that matters to me because I am not that close with them.

I just don’t know if we will make it if he leaves. I don’t know if I even want him to leave sometimes. Wake up with different feelings everyday lol Especially because he is giving me time to myself. I am realizing what really was causing me to feel the way I do;

We were around each other too much in my opinion, it made us start taking each other for granted.

But a new thing I never saw was the clutterrrrrrr omg. I feel like I am being smothered my OBJECTS! Like Im not Mrs.Clean, no. but I am organized and things have a place. I feel like everything is everywhere. Like I have been moving in for 7 months…its so annoying everytime I walk in. It makes me not want to organize and tidy because theres stuff of his every damn where. I didn’t realize how much it bothered me until I was without him.

Like why am I still pissed lol he’s not even here and then  I’m looking around this room like wth nothing has a place!! that’s not my life! lol He’s said numerous times if our place was like a 2 bedroom 2 bath or something we would both be happier.

Truthfully because of your insight I really do understand what is probably going on in his head a little better. So I do feel differently about what is occurring now. I just don’t really know what to do about. I don’t know how confident in my decision I am anymore. Due to our earlier shares John is drifting from my mind now. Everything you and the other girl said were true.

I have just never felt this feeling before. This fear of regretting. I am usually very confident in my decisions like this. But I just have this pit in my stomach full of fear that I will regret letting him go if I do.

I feel his hurt now because of our shares. I understand that what I am feeling has hurt him. Our home was just that, ours. Asking him to leave…I’m fucked up. But I just didn’t know what else to do. I was impatient I just wanted to be left alone. Its been about a month and I still know that’s my decision I just don’t feel as passionately about it as I did.

I intend to go to therapy when the year opens and my insurance changes. But I want him to as well, I think that’s what I need to happen to feel like I’m in an environment where both of us want to be better and get past the emotional baggage.

Yea I think he feels that way too. I think he has even said something to the effect of “I don’t bring you around them because I don’t want to lose you” I guess they may not like me, so to him that will affect how I may feel about him OR I may just not like the kind of people they are too him. Who knows..

Sometimes I just sit and think; is it supposed to be easier than this? Or is this what happens when two damaged people try and love each other. Is it possible? or will we constantly conflict?

I just know something needs to change because I wouldn’t spend the next 30 years of my life the same way this one has went.  I can say now that I don’t think I want it to be without him. Still nonetheless things need to change.

I’m coming back more into myself and acknowledging what I need, that’s helping. Like My friends for example. I have and always will have a extreme value of my friends. They have always been the genuine people in my life since childhood.

To him he sees them as temporary people who will dwindle away over time. Maybe like in his life where people have wronged him when they were supposed to be his friends.

That’s never happened to me, the worst things people have done to me have been spoken words or lack there of. And that came from my family. The friends I have I probably value more than my family. I think it irritates him because its like I care for them more…and its not really like that but I do love them very much, they have been there for me when he wasn’t even someone I knew; and if me and him never speak again I know they will be there then too.

I feel like your partner transitioning into being your “Best friend” is a progression of the mind not just something you decide and stop seeing other people in your life and that’s how I felt. Like oh your my boyfriend now..so we’re automatically BFF’s too.  But I don’t think he particularly likes that I need  to see them…or further more that I need that connection with them to feel like myself. Me needing stimulation from other people besides him annoys him.

I had to break it down to him like; I love you SOOO much I give you 75% of all my time but I need my friends. You CANT take “N’s” place she is a part of me. You CANT take “L’s” place she is a part of me. You CAN however be the most important person in my life….and you don’t have to take other peoples spots to do it. I have attachments to my friends like most people would have about their siblings. These are people who have been with me through a lot of shit over the past 6-7 years and have never wronged me. The ones that made it thru all these years I highly doubt they are going anywhere.

But that’s the pessimistic picture he paints like “its just a matter of time.”

and life does happen…people get older and life change but right now who I am. I need that.