Hi,

I am a woman in her early 50’s.   I have been single for 10 years.  My ex-boyfriend contacted me 6 months ago.   We have been talking since.   We were together for 10 years.   I was 16 and he was 20.  It was the most intense and passionate relationship I have ever had.   When I graduated college, I left him for the “big city”.  He has contacted me 2 other times throughout the years, in between (his) relationships, but I was never interested.    He is now in his late 50’s.   I still live in the city, and he still lives in the country, about 70 miles from me.   He contacted me 3 months after the end of a 9 year relationship, in March 2018.   Although we talk on the phone throughout the week, I have only seen him 2 times, last time was July.  I gathered my courage and told him on two different occasions that we needed to talk.   I told him that I felt sad and that I wanted to see him.  I asked him what his thoughts were, and he stated that we should see each other.   I waited two weeks, he hadn’t “made a date’,  and I just couldn’t take it.   I became so frustrated by his refusal to make a date , that I ended our “relationship”.

The conflicts revolve around seeing each other in person and the status of our “relationship”.    He says he wants to be “friends and lovers” and to see “where it goes”.   We are not currently having sex (how could we, we don’t see each other).   He introduced these topics in May.   He says he has been in “constant relationships” since he was with me, since the age of 20.  He says he doesn’t want a relationship right now because he can’t be a good partner.    This is very hurtful to me.   I feel something special for him, he is my first love, and had thought he felt the same for me.   Not sure if anyone here has done any research on lost loves/first loves, but it can be a very powerful bond due to hormones and the development of the brain,  but only for 10% to 30% of the population, not everyone had this experience.  I feel blessed to have this powerful bond.  According to Dr. Nancy Kalish, a number of factors have to be just right.

I have fallen madly in love with him, again.  I think about him all the time, cry because I feel rejected, ect.  I have thought about ending our “talks” on the phone before due to my anxiety (how does he about me, does he like me, is he attracted to me).   It’s been difficult.   The anxiety and emotional toll reached a climax a couple of days ago and I ended  our phone calls by text (I know that’s horrible), but I couldn’t do it any other way at this time.   I felt frozen with fear, panic, it was all too much.

Did I make the right decision?

Thanks for any input.