Help letting go.

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 year ago.

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    For the past 4 years, I have been in a long term relationship with a man who lives in Amsterdam. I live in the US. We make it work by traveling back and forth every few months until my son finishes HS in 2020. I have an EU passport and I was going to move there once my son starts college.

    Anyway, I feel like he feels he is never wrong and when I try to confront him about saying something hurtful, he shuts down. He accuses me of insulting him. However, it is open season on me and again when I tell him it hurts, he shuts down. He shuts down until I apologize. I will always make apologies when I am wrong, however, I feel like I am apologizing to him even when he is wrong just to get him to talk.  The issue is merely swept under the rug and never solved.

    So, the other day, he made a comment that was offensive to me. I told him that it was a hurtful comment and I proceeded to explain why. So, he stops talking to me and I went into panic mode and tried to get him to talk. I did get heated out of frustration of feeling ignored. So I told him I thought he had intimacy issues and I feel like he only cares for his own feelings and nobody else’s. I also said I felt emotionally abused.

    I woke up to messages of him accusing me of threatening physical violence. He said he doesn’t enable abusers and he takes abusers’ threat of physical violence at their word. He said this was the second instance of me threatening him with physical violence. My jaw dropped open. I have never, ever threatened him or anyone else with physical violence. I swear on my son’s life, I have never threatened this man with physical violence!  My mother was both emotionally and physically abusive to me as a child. He knows this. I am very violence avoidant.

    Even though I know I didn’t threaten him, I scrolled up to double check. There is nothing that can even be construed as physical violence. So, since he made the assertion, I told him the onus was on him to show me both instances of these threats. He has read the messages, but hasn’t responded.

    I feel like this is the final blow. Like I said, I am very sensitive about physical abuse due to my mother. I have been nauseous since this happened. I need to get out of this relationship. I feel like a frog being boiled alive slowly.

    When we first met, he was so lovely and got along so well. I think I have stayed so long, because I keep hoping we can get back there again. Every now and again, he is that person and I think we are back on track, but to make such false and egregious accusations about me is the final straw.

    How to let go of a fake person and how do I let go of this feeling anger about being accused of being physically abusive. I have never been in such a relationship before.

    Thank you. <3





    Hi Jen,

    This man is a narcissist. Narcissists will say or do anything just to be controlling or “right” including false acusations, controlling manipulating behavior, lying, anything goes with these type of people. They seem to love hurting people and get pleasure out of it. Instead of feeling angry, feel sorry for him instead. Learn from this experience, and please leave this man as soon as possible. He is a few French fries short of a Happy Meal. x



    Dear Jen:

    Him shutting down and you getting scared and apologizing has worked for him, a way to avoid dealing with issues. Until it didn’t work for him anymore.

    I was wondering, can you give a couple of examples of a hurtful or offensive thing he said to you?

    Why did he accuse you of physically threatening him, is an interesting question, to me. Did he accuse you of that so to hurt you, I wonder (my question above may help in this quest of understanding).

    I do hope you feel better soon. Four years is a long time and included lots of traveling and plans for the future, plans that may not (and reads to me, should not) materialize.




    Hi Eliana-

    I was kind of thinking that, I just didn’t want to influence anyone by using terms. I started suspecting about 2 years ago, but when we are together, I think maybe I am wrong. He is a different person when we are together. But this morning make it clear I need to leave. He did contact me again to call me an “idiot” for asking for proof of threats of violence. He never answered me or provided proof.


    Hi Anita-

    The reason I didn’t give a specific example is because it was political in nature. He told me he hates immigrants and I am the product of immigrants. He has called me racial epithets and then told me to lighten up when I asked him to stop. Another time in the middle of a silent treatment, my grandmother had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and even then, he didn’t stop his silent treatment. He never mentioned it or asked about her.

    I have no idea why he accused me of physical threats. I was turning this over and over as I was out on my walk. I think it is because I don’t like violence, because my mom used to beat me. He thinks she’s a monster and doesn’t know why I still talk to her. I think he might think he is insulting me by comparing me to my mom, maybe?

    I have told him many times that it makes me upset that I don’t feel heard and acknowledged. He just ignores it. I have asked him to listen to me and acknowledge me. It makes me really upset and I try to get him to engage.



    Dear Jen:

    You are welcome. Your examples are helpful. Reads to me that he is a very angry man. Lovely when not angry, but often angry and … not so lovely. Often when people express much anger about political issues, it is not about politics. It is personal. He is probably angry at a parent who abused him when he was a child. Maybe he is still in contact with that person.

    He expressed to you that your mother is a monster for having beaten you up. Maybe his mother or someone else in his household used to beat him up and he never confronted that person and he channels his anger at your mother (who by the way warrants or warranted your anger), at you, and …at immigrants.




    Dear Jen

    I am sorry you are having to go through this.  This man appears to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder: initial love bombing of you to win your affection; never wrong in any matter ever; stonewalling you when you try to express your feelings; and ‘gaslighting’ you, (so you begin to question your sanity) by accusing you of sending threatening messages.

    I have lived through all of this with a close relative and only worked it all out having come across an article on NPD.  There is lots of information on this subject on the internet and I would urge you to read it.

    My advice – save your sanity and run for the hills!


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