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Help me to understand

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  • June 27, 2017 at 10:13 am #155272
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    There is a part of the human psyche that continues to escape my understanding because it makes no sense to me. So it is with great hope that anyone can help me understand this. When people are involved in a relationship, whether it be serious dating or in marriage, all too often one of the involved resorts to, or caves in to, cheating. There is even an uninvolved audience who is unified in condoning it by showing support for something of which they know only half the story, (half of a thousand is 500) which only serves to (1) encourage cheating by showing support without knowing both sides of the story and (2) it only serves as cheap entertainment that feeds the gossip culture. When someone justifies their cheating, that justification invariably is accomplished by playing the victim card as well as the blame card. When children are involved, they are reduced to being nothing more than objects of an immature, egocentric decision by an individual seeking support and justification for their cheating. After all when the elephants fight, it is only the grass that suffers. When people, married or not and have children involved, and cheating takes place, it is only the children who suffer. Since I am not able to understand this, and since I could go on forever with this, I think this is a good segue for me to get to my questions…

    When people are in a relationship and for some reason cheating becomes a conscientious decision to resort to, why does the person not, somehow, resolve whatever it is in their relationship that is causing the problem in the first place, rather than resort to cheating as a justification to break away from the other? Cheating is not done by accident. It is a conscientious, dishonest decision one makes. It has been said in many different ways, that if you have integrity than nothing else matters. If you don’t have integrity, than nothing else matters. When people cheat on their relationship, they compromise their integrity. If I was in a relationship, I would greatly respect my partner’s integrity and honesty by saying “we lost our compatibility and instead of sabotaging our path with an IED called cheating, let us go our own way in an honest way.” If, on the other hand I caught my partner cheating, my respect for that person becomes irrelevant. I have been in a relationship before where the quality of that relationship had deteriorated so badly that I decided to go my own way. At one point, prior to my going my own way, temptation came my way when a mutual female friend of ours invited me to spend the weekend with her in their family cabin, knowing full well of the problems my girlfriend and I were having. I saw what was coming. I told her that even though I was in a toxic relationship, I am still in a relationship and perhaps one day when I am no longer involved with someone I can take you up on that offer. Her answer was, and I quote, “your loss.” No, my gain. My intuition was that my g/f at the time set me up with that scenario. I cannot understand any justification for cheating. My integrity means more than compromising that with a few hours, days, weeks, months of emotional rescue. When I was in Afghanistan for 13 months, I literally got 3 letters, lucky me, from my wife while most people got at least one letter a month. At the 13th month of my tour of duty in Afghanistan, I got injured. I was paralyzed from the waste down for 9 months. I spent the next 11 months in Germany in rehab learning how to walk again. When I got home, I found out why I didn’t get any letters. She was busy attending to her selfish needs with a guy she works with. Incidentally they got married and 6 years later they got divorced. If your guess as to why the divorce happened was cheating, you are correct. So I continue to ask myself too this day, how can she have had a conscience by cheating? And there is another question I hope that someone here can answer. How can anyone for that matter who cheats, have a conscience? Other than the children and the non-cheating partner being a victim, believe it or not there is another victim. It is the person who cheats. They have become a victim of their own dishonesty disguised as “oh I met this one guy/girl who I am totally attracted to makes me so happy and we clicked and we had this chemistry…” blah blah blah. Oddly enough too many times, sooner or later this same person, comes back with, “I caught her/him cheating and I thought he/she was the “ONE” for me…” etc etc.

    Time for me to stop…I sense anger coming on about this. I would rather be happy in peace. But can anyone explain to me how cheating is justified? Can anyone explain to me how anyone who cheats has a conscience and integrity? Can anyone tell me why instead of cheating, go their own way with integrity in tact? If there is something that I am missing that I am wrong about, I assure you I will own it. PLEASE help me understand this.

     

    • This topic was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by PearceHawk.
    • This topic was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by PearceHawk.
    June 27, 2017 at 11:43 am #155302
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi PearceHawk,

    While I can’t offer you the perfect answer, I think it all boils down to values, how we were raised, what we we saw in the world around us growing up, etc. I think you have great values, but sadly, not everyone does. I have been in many relationships, I was raised by a stable mid-western family, they had a beautiful marriage (60 years). Although my relationships were short lived due to emotional and mental illness, poor coping skills, I can say I have never cheated, but I have been cheated on.

    It seems to unfortunately be on “autopilot” in American society. Always in the news. 20 year marriages fall apart because someone is unfaithful. It is sad when children are involved as it is traumatic for them having to be shuffled around. I think I heard on the news once that this country has the highest rate of divorce due to cheating, but I may be wrong. Maybe people do it for “excitement” and a “high” of not getting “found out” other people do it for “revenge” so their partner will get “jealous” and give them the attention they crave. Others do it because they are lonely in their marriage. Others do it in other countries because they are forced to be in “arranged marriages, and they just want to follow their heart. Other people see celebrities do it, and think it’s “the cool thing” to do. Others don’t want to get a divorce because of children, so they take on an affair or a mistress. There could be many reasons, but I agree, it’s not right.

    June 27, 2017 at 2:30 pm #155332
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear PearceHawk:

    I read your post and will attempt to answer this question in your last paragraph: “Can anyone explain to me how anyone who cheats has a conscience and integrity?”

    I will use these definitions, conscience: “judgment that assists in distinguishing right from wrong” and integrity: “the state of being whole and undivided”.

    Cheating here means that a person promised to the other to be faithful (that is in marriage vows, for one) and proceeded to break that promise. In some cases, the person does not have a conscience in regard to cheating, that is, he or she does not think or feel it is wrong for them to cheat under any circumstances.

    In other cases a person starts with the judgment that it is wrong (conscience), but later amends their judgment (as you detailed in your post), for example: it is wrong to cheat on an attentive, loving husband, but it is okay to cheat on an inattentive, unloving husband.

    As far as integrity, a person may have a conscience, that is, believing it is wrong to cheat and they feel guilty for having done so. But they are divided between that judgment and their attraction to another, their boredom, their desperation, their anger, their distress over losing financial benefits if they leave the relationship, etc.

    Being distressfully divided, they cheat, then feel guilty, maybe decide to not do it again, but still divided.. still torn by different parts, they cheat again. Over time, a person can get used to it, simply being in the habit of cheating and then, it is business as usual.

    There are people who are angry to begin with, hostile, and they are okay with hurting others. Not only are they okay with it, they desire it.

    And there are very troubled people, people who feel that their lives and states of minds are a total mess, that everything they do is wrong, that nothing in their lives ever made sense, so cheating is just one more thing that they are guilty for- makes no difference to their conscience because the weight of guilt they carry has been already  too heavy, for too long.

    This is the end of my answer, at least for now. I wanted to note that I sensed, of course, your anger in your post and it is understandable to me, having read your experiences. The fact that you were injured in the military, were paralyzed for nine months and then came “home” to a long-term cheating wife is a terrible experience. I admire your extensive compassion and kindness (expressed in these forums) in spite of such monumental injustice and misfortune that you experienced.

    anita

    June 28, 2017 at 2:04 pm #155438
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Eliana thank you for taking the time to read my post and for taking the time to answer back. I appreciate it. All the things you said, about American society continuing to be on auto pilot (what a perfect word), people getting high or being excited not getting caught, etc, is something that has resonated with my views. I never understood how cheating is the river card, as they say in gambling, as a first or only option. I salute those who believe they can beat the incredible odds stacked against them by not getting a divorce. Trying to beat those odds certainly is a challenge to the very depth of their soul and character. But they do deserve a chance. It’s when “things” interfere with and takeover our desire to navigate a straight course in relationships that things like cheating happens. I think that there are as many reasons to cheat as there are people doing it. If cheating is becoming more prevalent in our society, then I’ll gladly remain the odd man out 🙂

    June 28, 2017 at 2:26 pm #155442
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Anita, first of all, I just caught wind of your ankle injury. I really hope it is just a sprain with no long term effects. After all there is that marathon coming up that I KNOW you want to run 🙂

    As I read your post about my question, I found that it was solid and clear. That it is well thought out and thoughtful in a very considerate way. The clarity comes from an acute understanding that you have as well as a desire to make clear what it was that I want to know. I found it to be very compassionate and gentle. But… there’s always a but…I want you to know that those adjectives are not words that I have chosen. They are what I see in you, through text. Those words emanate from your heart and soul. I feel like a Guru asked me to open my eyes, and asked me, “What do I see?”. What I saw was what you gave me. I know you didn’t have to dig deep for that either. It is always in your hands always ready to give so freely, so unconditionally. So from my heart and soul, thank you.

    What you said about…”I admire your extensive compassion and kindness (expressed in these forums) in spite of such monumental injustice and misfortune that you experienced” is really nothing special. My ability to manage events from once upon a time comes from my ongoing learning that I have no reason for me to invest my time nor effort in negative reminders and thought that were expressed by people who who lead an insulated life with regards to acts of kindness and love, as hubris as that may seem. I cannot tell you how many times I nearly lost my life, or the number of times that I SHOULD have lost my life in the Middle East. Out of those experiences was born a whole new perspective and appreciation for life. It makes me realize that we don’t have tomorrow, or next week, or even an hour from now. All we have is now. So it is through that realization that I try to not take for granted my time on earth. So with that time, I try my best to, (I’m stuck here) I try my best to live better. One of the key things that helps immensely is your unselfish yet gracious giving from your heart. Thank you for getting back to me. I do appreciate it. Don’t forget that marathon you are so ready to run 🙂

    Pearce Hawk

    June 29, 2017 at 6:09 am #155516
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Pearce Hawk:

    Thank you for your good wishes regarding my foot/ankle injury, keeping it elevated as I type this. Was able to put weight on it yesterday, off the crutch I was using, a brace to support my ankle. Have to be very careful to not re-injure it. I will not run a marathon though. My daily practice is a 3.5 mile fast-enough walk up and down the hilly area where I live. Way less chances of injury walking than running.

    I am glad you found my response to you thoughtful, solid, clear, showing “acute understanding” (like this term!) and a desire to make it clear, compassionate and gentle and that I give my words freely, unconditionally, from my heart and soul (I am repeating your words so to absorb them best I can, to take them in. I am not in the habit of taking in such positive evaluation of me). Thank you for your appreciation and kindness!

    You wrote that it “is really nothing special”, that is, your “extensive compassion and kindness”- but it is special, that is uncommon, unfortunately. Most common is that people who were hurt proceed to hurt others, abuse begets abuse.

    Yes, we don’t have tomorrow, or the next hour, like you wrote. All we have is now and the possibility or probability (for most) of the next moment and the next day. This is a fundamental truth of life, for every living thing. Thank you for the reminder.

    anita

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