March 29, 2020 at 11:47 am #345924PandaParticipant
My mind is going in every direction. For two years there has been push and pull, physically, mentally, emotionally. I was in love, not just with the good, but also fixing the bad. Feeling needed, like I could fix him. Letting him fix the bad in me.
He would constantly belittle me, for reasons he wouldn’t explain, ‘work stress’, a lot of career challenges he faced, he was short and impatient, mean and critical. But successful, productive, and I thought I could learn a lot from him.
I guess because of his mean behavior, instead of supporting him, I demanded he act differently. There were good and loving times in between, but sometimes not for days. With time, I grew used to the dynamic, and learned to leave him alone, not all for my needs for love and kindness to be fulfilled. After I left him a few times, he would begin to slowly change. I tried so hard to ignore rather than feed the fights.
I played my part of course. I was fed up, and rather than asking for change from him, I demanded it. So he would be completely cold, lock me out if the house, tell me to go away, break up with me, take me back, I raged to demand he change. Or he stay would stay so upset for days, I would spend nights begging for his love and forgiveness even when I felt that he was the one who wronged me. That he withheld emotion, and when I asked for it, he would remain in coldness and anger.
I would demand his love, hold him physically so he would just show me love. He would push me off violently. This is where the physical abuse started escalating… From throwing my things, to throwing small things at me, to squeezing my neck so hard from behind. I kept going back, feeling like I made him do this.
There breakup was terrible. We had JUST gotten into the groove of treating each other nice, and I felt something was off. I let the anxiety from quarantine hurt him despite, his sudden change to nice behavior. Then I stupidly looked at his phone, betrayed his trust, and I found the reason he wasn’t sleeping with me. He was on tinder… I went into a crazy mindset, pushing him while he tried to pretend to sleep, while he ignored me demanding explanation. I physically tried to grab his phone and he sat up and punched me in the chest hard. I immediately messaged this to my brother, and he tried to take my phone away. He jumped in top of me and told me in my ear that I was crazy as fuck and a little shit. He said we were done, he grabbed a knife and said it was too defend himself against me.
I’m writing this, I can see how far I’ve come from what I dream or imagine I deserve. Yet, I don’t feel a victim. I feel I contacted this scenario, I’ve turned into the abusive one. Or certainly with unhealthy need to ‘change’ him, to make him see me, love me, to demand what want mine to demand. I was willing to accept so little, I lost my ability to communicate like an adult and I began to get physical with him.
Now… 3 days later, all I want is to apologize. To hear an apology I’ll never receive because his response to me will be cold and angry as it was before. In the past, we would take a week or two and get back together. My heart wants this so badly, to erase the terrible feelings that we exchanged… To create something I dreamed of that was only there sometimes…
But I know this is the opportunity to stop once and for all and make real changed in my life. I have cried and cried, but I still only feel a heavy empty pain in my chest.
Does anyone have any resources for healing the toxicity within us, forgiving ones self? I don’t know what to do, as I blame myself. I want to face it and become a better person, rather than finding a different version of the same thing in someone else. He was successful, handsome and we shared a passion for nature and science. I now idealize this like crazy, feeling like I don’t have any value, it as he put it, I am just a useless 34 year old with no career and no direction. A loser without him.
I know the world is going crazy, but because of this, I want to walk out the door and disappear…
<p style=”text-align: center;”>Help. Please.</p>March 29, 2020 at 2:12 pm #346054anitaParticipant
Three days ago, your two year relationship ended. You wrote this about the man: he was a handsome, successful, productive man who was “impatient, mean and critical.. constantly belittled me… locked me out of the house.. pushed me violently. This is where the physical abuse started escalating.. From throwing my things, to throwing small things at me, to squeezing my neck so hard from behind.. punched me in the chest hard.. he grabbed a knife”.
You wrote: “I blame myself”, blaming yourself for “Rather than asking for change from him, I demanded it.. demand he change “- but Panda, when you are abused, you are not supposed to ask the abuser to change and stop abusing you, you are supposed to demand it!
And you blame yourself for the following: “I stupidly looked at his phone.. pushing him while he tried to pretend to sleep.. I physically tried to grab his phone”-
– it is hardly ever the case in domestic violence situations that the man does all the physical abuse and the woman is the passive receiver of his abuse. Almost always there is a back and forth of physical abuse. In what you described, he did the great majority of the physical abuse, and he is indeed 100% responsible for all the acts of abuse and violence that he committed against you.
The fact that you were not the perfect person with him does not lower his 100% responsibility for his behavior, a behavior that could have ended with him being prosecuted and jailed, if the police was involved.
You wrote that you are “feeling like I don’t have any value, as he put it, I am just a useless 34 year old with no career and no direction. A loser without him”-
– If I am to use your word loser, I would say that you were a loser when you were with him and that you are a winner now- for living without him, so congratulations for being a winner!
Will you tell me more about your life (before and during this pandemic): health, work, family connections, friends, etc.?
anitaMarch 30, 2020 at 11:17 am #346192SwatiParticipant
First, I will start by telling you that you are an amazingly brave and lovely person, do not ever think otherwise about yourself because someone else makes you think that way.
After reading your post, I could not stop myself from replying to your post. It is because I went through a very similar situation you are going through, nothing different.
I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years before deciding to call it off last year. In fact, I knew it was not working for me long time ago but could not find the courage to walk out. When I walked out I realised I have lost my self-worth and self-esteem, I felt like a loser too capable of doing nothing. I started believing that I was the reason for all the abuse that was hurled at me, probably I made him so angry that he slapped me across my face or called me a slut everytime we had a fight. One day he casually turned round and said that I do not have a good face, his exes were so much more prettier. When I told him, I was hurt at his comments, he told me that this is him being honest with me.
When you are in love, you chose to ignore the bad and only focus on the good because you can’t imagine your life without your partner. You start believing that you can not live without that person, how ever that is far from truth. You do not deserve to be treated the way you had been treated all this while. Do you even imagine living a life like that forever? Do you really think he cares for your happiness? Ignore the good moments few and far in between, what matters is how does he treat you when things are not right. How does he behave with you when something goes wrong in the office, you are not the punching bag who has to take the grunt of all his anger. You deserve love and most importantly respect. You need to start believing in yourself that you can make through it because nothing lasts forever, this too shall pass.
You were brave enough to walk out, you are brave enough to overcome this too.
You have a whole life in front of you to make your dreams come true, you are only 34, stop acting like you are 90 already. You are as good as you think you are, you need to start believing in yourself. You deserve much much better. Do not do the mistake of going back.
SSinghApril 2, 2020 at 4:57 pm #346808RobinParticipant
My heart goes out to you as I’ve also experienced the intense heartache and confusion that feels so overwhelming to you right now. There is so much I could say but want to share the things I believe will be most helpful for where you’re at right now. First, know that it is NORMAL for you to feel like you can’t breath at times from the pain and sadness. The complusive thoughts about whether it was “really your fault” and the crazy strong desire to reconnect with your ex…DOES NOT mean you should…even though your emotions will seem so convincing! You MUST find a way to stay strong and press into and thru the pain to your healing and happiness waiting just on the otherside. You WILL experience a range of intense and difficult emotions…from anger, sadness, guilt, insecurity, dispair, confusion etc…so don’t run from or be afraid of them. I ended my engagement (1 year ago this month) to a man that I adored but who didn’t value and cherish me. We were on a crazy and toxic emotional rollercoaster ride for the majority of our 1 1/2 year long relationship that made me a shell of my former happy self. Walking away was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it truly felt like my heart was ripped in half. Accepting and knowing the reality…which is it’s going to be HARD as HELL…will give you the focus and strength you will need to get thru it…and know that you absolutely WILL! Give YOURSELF the love and life you truly deserve!
God bless you!