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Help with Insecurity.

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #378687
    Aimee
    Participant

    Hi,

    Been struggling very much recently with insecurity and I’m struggling to see a way past it.

    basically, My boyfriend and I got together a year ago after a friendship of 10 years! It was very unexpected and out the blue but it just works. In every other relationship I’ve been in once it gets to around the year mark I realize I don’t want to be with them anymore and I end up leaving them but this time its not the case! I know that I still want to be with him, we have a brilliant relationship he’s like my best friend! But this time at the year mark I’ve suddenly started feeling really insecure, which is not like me at all! We are friends with a girl who my boyfriend used to like a couple of years ago but she didn’t like him back. His ex before me didn’t like that fact that they were friends and kind of stopped them talking! But I didn’t want that and for the full year I didn’t mind them talking, we are all friends and we do things together but recently I’ve just started feeling weird about it. I feel like recently things have been arranged between them and then I get told later on, or in one case something was arranged between them and I didn’t even know but then my boyfriend says that no plans had been made, they just had an idea to do something. Found out yesterday off someone else that they have plans for her birthday and no one has told me so far. I honestly have known him for so long and I know he’s not the kind of person to cheat on me but I just cant stop thinking about this. I don’t want to make him stop speaking to her because I’m not that kind of person, I don’t want to get between people but right now I just cant get it out my head and its making me feel miserable, I dont know if its just a thing that happens to me at the year mark where my head starts putting me off the person I’m with, is that a possibility? I feel like I’m going crazy 🙁

    #378698
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Aimee:

    You shared that your friendship of ten years unexpectedly turned into a romantic relationship a year ago. It is a “brilliant relationship” and you feel that he is your best friend. Recently, you’ve been feeling insecure about a friendship he has with another woman who is in your mutual friends group.

    “I know he’s not the kind of person to cheat on me but I just can’t stop thinking about this.. and it’s making me miserable, I don’t know if it’s just a thing that happens to me at the year mark where my head starts putting me off the person I’m with, is that a possibility?”-

    – I think that it is a likely possibility because nothing changed in the relationship other than it reaching the one year mark, and you wrote: “In every other relationship I’ve been in,  once it gets to around a year mark I realize I don’t want to be with them anymore and I end up leaving them”.

    If you would like to explore this possibility with me, you can- if you so choose t- share about your parents’ marriage as you experienced it when you were a child, what was their relationship with each other like?

    anita

     

    #378706
    Aimee
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for getting back to me! Yes nothing has changed in the relationship that I can Put my finger on but I have felt recently that he’s lost interest as well, although our full relationship has been in lockdown pretty much so we have been with each other 24/7 but not able to actually do anything. I also don’t know if what I think is loss of interest is actually just my brain telling me things are wrong? I’m struggling to distinguish between what’s really happening and what I think is happening, which is crazy.

     

    My parents relationship is rubbish! They’re not married but still together. My mum is quite abusive towards my dad and brings him down to nothing at any chance she gets. She done the same with my sister and I growing up, she’s also financially dependent on my dad as she doesn’t work even though she has no reason not to and she does nothing to help around the house, she’s basically like another child! I don’t live with them anymore and don’t get on with my mum! I wish my dad would leave her

    #378711
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Aimee:

    You are welcome. It is a significant piece of information, that you and your boyfriend are currently on lockdown, spending 24/7 with each other. It is an anxiety producing/ stressful situations for most people who spent so much time with each other but are unable to socialize with other people and enjoy activities where other people are present, such as going to the movies, sitting in a restaurant, etc.

    There are online resources regarding managing the lockdown situation, including available guided meditations to help with lessening anxiety and stress level.

    In regard to your experience with your parents, when you lived with them- your empathy was with your father, understandably, because he was mistreated by your mother who also mistreated you and your sister.

    At about the one year mark experience that you mentioned in regard to your previous relationships, were you perhaps trying to protect the guys from..  you, fearing that you might mistreat them like your mother mistreated your father? Or were you afraid that the guy will start mistreating you, if you stayed?

    anita

    #378714
    Aimee
    Participant

    That’s a really good point I’ve never actually thought of it that way before, so yes usually what happens is I just start getting put off them, possibly from spending too much time together as most of my relationships we have seen each other every day, but then I do always get a feeling that I’m being a bitch to them (sorry for the language!) And I get a mixture of feeling not good enough for them or that I’m treating them badly which in turn kind of makes me distance myself and eventually it makes me not want to be with them and I just leave, this time I know I do want to be with him though!

    #378716
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Aimee:

    If you want to, because you never thought of it that way (the way I suggested in my previous post), take your time and think about it some more, write about it in a journal or here, on your thread. We can communicate about it over time, be it days or longer.

    anita

    #378721
    Aimee
    Participant

    I will do, I’ll think it over some more and get back to you! Thanks very much 🙂

    #378723
    anita
    Participant

    You are very welcome, Aimee. Post again when you are ready.

    anita

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