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Her past?

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  • December 25, 2013 at 5:23 am #47530
    Morten Duncan
    Participant

    Hi, my name is Morten Duncan i’m 16 years old and i have this “one” problem with/about my girlfriend?
    her past is really a BIG problem for me!? i want to accept it and be able to deal with it.
    you see her past is really disturbing (for me), she lost her virginity when she was 12, started cutting herself after that, and kept sleeping with guys more than once and when she hit the number 12 guy she saw it was not the way through..
    Cause she thought that it was the way through, so she would be accepted. but the real problem is: she is still in contact with them like really deep.
    And i’ve said i had a problem with that and she replaid: they are like my brothers, but they don’t feel the same way. they just want to sleep with her again.
    Before we started dating and so on, when ever we were at a party he was all over her, and she can’t say no. At her birthday party her and her best friend (David)
    was cuddling and trying to kiss each other (and we were a couple there)
    i’m completely lost!? i don’t know what to do??
    Please help me!? :/

    December 27, 2013 at 8:43 pm #47743
    Mark
    Participant

    So her behavior is one of wanting to have sex with other guys? I am at a loss on what to say. If I was to give any advice, which I suspect you won’t find acceptable, is to cut her loose. If you cannot be with her “As Is” where she won’t change her sexual behavior then the relationship as You Want It will not work.

    She has emotional and psychological issues. I suspect she was raped and/or molested which started her cutting behavior and drives her promiscuous behavior with her cannot say no.

    I cannot imagine “accepting and dealing with” that for a girlfriend. That’s a lot of baggage to deal with.

    Good luck Morten.

    Mark

    December 29, 2013 at 6:37 am #47806
    Morten Duncan
    Participant

    hi Mark, thank you so much for your answer!!
    I just don’t think i can cut her loose, i need the courage.
    She is an amazing girlfriend and friend, it is just the past that is going through my mind, all those images…
    I think i will consider your response, but i would rather let the light go out instead of blowing it out..

    – Morten Duncan

    December 29, 2013 at 8:37 am #47807
    Neil
    Participant

    Hi Morten, I hope my honesty will not be hurtful to you.

    The problem is not her past. It is her present. She lived things in the past, that’s ok, everyone lives things. But that things are not staying in the past because she is still in contact with the guys she slept with in a way that makes you unhappy. Forgive me but that she says they are like brothers to her is BS. How much of brother-sister can you be with someone you slept with?

    I can imagine how difficult it can be to cut loose of someone that you love or that you think you love much but personally if the girl I am dating with was cuddling and trying to kiss someone in front of me, I don’t think I would want to continue with her. I don’t know how old she is but it seems to me that she is not emotionally mature. She seems not to know the meaning of dating with someone if she is tending to cuddle and kiss another guy in front of the one she is dating with.

    You should talk to her for once and for good. If things do not change, just leave her. You don’t deserve the pain of her past if she does not care about your feelings about it. You have the courage, you just don’t know yet.

    Neil

    December 29, 2013 at 8:53 am #47811
    Neil
    Participant

    Correction: Sorry, I misread part of your message. I can’t edit my post now but the second part of the third paragraph of my message was based on the assumption that she did those things while you were dating.

    December 29, 2013 at 9:18 am #47812
    Morten Duncan
    Participant

    Niel they were not hurtful in any way. they were uplifting!
    I think i will observe more of her and her behavior.
    It is so nice to get response, I WILL have the talk with her after the “new years party” were both of them will come.
    But i will make it very clear to her how I feel and how “the engine” should run…
    But what is your opinion on showing this to her. your names will not be shown, but your answers will.
    I am not saying it is what i want, but i think she should see others opinion to?

    – Morten Duncan

    December 30, 2013 at 8:24 am #47951
    Neil
    Participant

    Morten,

    Observing her more and talking to her at the right time and letting her know how you feel about her behavior and expecting her to show respect to your feelings is the way to go.

    I think showing this thread to her is definitely not a good idea. It has nothing to do with me, my post or my name or others who contributed. I know you are looking for support for your argument which is “she should stop behaving in a way that makes you unhappy if she wants to continue with you”. But, believe me showing her this thread or telling her how others think or what others say will only make things worse. Just tell her your feelings and opinions. Yourself, your ideas, your opinions should be support enough in a relation when trying to make your partner understand something. Please and please do not show her this thread, as I said it has nothing to do with our names etc. just trust me on this.

    December 30, 2013 at 11:42 am #47968
    Morten Duncan
    Participant

    Niel,

    Observation and communication is the way forward now!

    I can see that showing her the thread is not a good idea. I have also told my friends that i was not going to talk so much about her any more…
    It is all for my self, her (and this site) from now on.
    Thank you so much for helping me, it has been amazing! THANK YOU!! 🙂

    December 31, 2013 at 9:46 pm #48089
    Lyla McLean
    Participant

    A woman’s point of view Morten. You are asking and these good men have answered you from a place of maturity. As you asked for advice you might take time to consider the advice you have been given. Otherwise what’s the point? You are only 16, only starting your romantic life. She may have many fine qualities, your girlfriend. She also sounds like she is very damaged. That will affect you in a major way. Why not just date around with some nice, uncomplicated girls and have some fun. There are so many red flags with this girlfriend. You don’t have to observe her some more. It sounds like you have an accurate picture now. No, I would not show her this page. I don’t think that would be fair. You didn’t cause this situation, you can’t fix it. I very much doubt that talking to her will make any difference. Why not just walk quietly away. You don’t have to give any reason. Just be busy doing other things. If you stay with her you could become as sick as she is. Poor girl. I feel sorry for her and for you too. You will have the consequences of any action you take, or not take. Think very carefully. Ask yourself why you would even consider tolerating her intolerable behaviour. Isn’t it hurtful to you? Don’t you feel that neither she nor the ” brothers” have any respect for you? Have respect for yourself and care enough for yourself not to stay in a hurtful situation. Good luck. Let us know how it goes for you.

    January 6, 2014 at 4:29 am #48477
    uolee
    Participant

    Morten, I can say that I kinda am in your situation. My best friend (this girl that I have a thing for and she has a thing for me) is still in contact with her ex! I will tell you this. If she is “close” to this ex boy friend of hers that nomatter what, is that they still have that romantic connection. When you guys have an argument or a fight or anything, he will be there to “fix her up” just trust me on this. If you feel that your gonna get your but your hiding it because your have faith please follow your gut. And not to lie I’m being a hypocrite right now because I still have faith but I know I’m going to get hurt. Do not make the same mistakes that I made.

    BUT
    If you know that this is your girl, this life is meant to take risk, So take the risk. But know that I was not your age not too long ago. I learned and am not that naive. You have the whole life ahead of your, your going to meet new people, and I cant tell you girls are the least of your problem. But who am I to say when i was your age I was the same as you! Now you take care Morten and If you decide to go with it Make sure your practice safe sex ;p Good Luck

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