March 13, 2018 at 2:03 pm #197099
Thank you Anita. I am a good person. I sometimes forget.
Here is what I want to say to him when he is back tomorrow. This is regardless of what his decision is. I will say I don’t want to marry you now as you are right, I am rushing things. I now know why, it’s to get my mother to love me. If I got married she will begin to love me. Thank you Anita for the above recap. I had this insight as I was walking home with tears in my eyes. I don’t know if I want to marry my boyfriend. I want to eventually get married but it’s not now. I want to tell him that he is a good man who I want to get to know better. And he should get to know me.
I am praying today that he hears me and stays.
Pray for me!March 13, 2018 at 2:09 pm #197103
Thank you Anita. I am a good person but sometimes I forget.
I want to tell my boyfriend when he comes back tomorrow that I don’t want to marry him Now. I know now thanks to you Anita, that I just want to marry him so that my mother could start loving me. Reading all of my all forums five years ago above, I see that all I want is my mother’s love . I want to tell my boyfriend that he’s a wonderful man but I need to get to know him better and that needs time. I can only hope That he agrees with me and that he stays. We are amazing together. We are best friends and lovers and partners in crime. He is a part of every being of mine.
I can only pray that he will give me the chance to work on our relationship. Please pray for me because I am praying all high tonight.
namasteMarch 14, 2018 at 4:15 am #197141
I am posting this about 14 hours following your last post and it may be after the conversation with your boyfriend. I wonder what happened (or what is happening as I type this) and hope you will soon share.
You wrote that you were planning on telling him that you don’t want to marry him, that you were rushing that way so to “get my mother to love me”, so that “she will begin to love me”.
I figure your focus now is on your boyfriend, not on your mother, but notice this: your mother, in your brain and in your life has been more powerful a factor in every part of your life, and has been the cause of your emotional struggles throughout life. Even though she is not physically present in Ireland, and in the room where you are talking to your boyfriend, she is very much there nonetheless, and the relationship with her needs to be attended to.
All of your efforts to get her to love you have to be abandoned.
anitaMarch 14, 2018 at 5:18 am #197161
The talk is supposed to happen this evening so in 6 or 7 hours. I will definitely fill you in on all.
You are right that I have to abandon the dream of getting loved by my mother. I am accepting it very slowly everyday. Since my father has died, this has been very apparent to me.
All I can do with my boyfriend tonight is to tell him that I love him and I would like to stay in our relationship and grow together, marriage or not. Of course he may have different views. I am just preparing myself for either answer but I do want him to know that I lost myself in our relationship because I was happy. I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped meditating daily. I stopped nurturing my body with foods I enjoy. I stopped going to my codependent anonymous meetings. I was so happy to be with him that all other things took a backseat. I will tell him that I have made a promise to myself to be good to myself and if he thinks he can be with someone who won’t make him the #1 priority, then he should stay. If not, I am ok to move forward in my life without him.
Thank you for your insights and kind words. Reading these forums makes my day 🙂
thank youMarch 14, 2018 at 5:33 am #197167
Are you still planning on moving back to the U.S and living away from him then, if the relationship continues? That is, to end it or put it on a LDR status?
If so, will you be moving as you suggested before, so to take care of your mother, to… get her to love you, that is?
anitaMarch 14, 2018 at 5:59 am #197173
I thought of that. My mother is one of the many reasons I want to move back to the states. the biggest factor being my friends and familiar places. I don’t have a car or a proper place to live in Dublin. I am going to tell my boyfriend that I will live in Dublin till my job is fulfilling for me. I work for a small company and my boss is the best boss I have ever had. he supports me and helps me grow in my career. But he is also looking to sell the company to a bigger company, if that happens, than I want to go back to the states. If my boyfriend stays with me, he can then decide what he wants to do with that information. I won’t make him marry me to move with me and I won’t have a LDR. i have had 1 of them and that 1 too many.
I have a feeling that my temporary status is one of things that makes him rethink our relationship. He never wants to leave Ireland but he also doesn’t want to take steps to improve his living situation in Ireland. We live in an expensive small apartment in the city center because none of us drive (I have an US license. he never got his license). there is a housing crisis in Ireland where no house in dublin will cost less than 500,000 euros if you want space. So we remain in an uncomfortable flat with no way out. that is the most frustrating part about him. he will complain about a situation but won’t do anything to improve it. Maybe this break up won’t be the worst thing in the world 🙂
Just kidding.March 14, 2018 at 7:20 am #197187
Your current boss, you wrote: “supports me and helps me grow in my career”- that is your Win in your relationship with him. If you are a good employee, that is his Win. And so, the relationship is Win-Win.
Question is, is your relationship with your boyfriend a Win-Win. I hope you will soon find out, or have a clearer understanding of it in this regard.
Your relationship with your mother, reads to me is a Win-Lose relationship: Win for her and Lose for you. You keep chasing her for love, an impossible endeavor (Lose for you, wasted time and energy, resulting dysfunction in relationships) and it is a Win for her, being attended to, taken care of by you.
anitaMarch 14, 2018 at 1:22 pm #197299
Wanted to give you a quick update about what happened. My boyfriend came home and he said that he has been feeling disconnected with me for a few months. He said that I was pressuring him so much into this wedding timeline that he couldn’t cope. He tried as hard as to be on the same page as me when I came to weddings, children and moving to America, but he isn’t. I asked him if he ever sees himself being ready to do that all those things with me ever. And he said I don’t know.
Then had told him about my need to please my mother and that the wedding thing could be out of the need of making her happy. I want him not a piece of paper. I also told him that I will only move to America if it suits my career. I don’t know when that’s going to happen so then he’ll have decide then what he wants to do. Till then if he promises to works on our relationship I would like to work on it. I would like to go back to basics and get to know each other in real each other. We are still talking and talking about our bond and love which is special. We are talking about concentrating on each other and ourselves before moving any forward in our relationship. I still don’t know where we stand but I am optimistic.
ill update you further once I know more.
Thank youMarch 15, 2018 at 3:19 am #197345
Reads like a very positive conversation and that the two of you are now on the same page, aiming to work together for the benefit of the two of you, that Win-Win relationship I suggested earlier.
I like it that you are considering not moving to the U.S. if it continues to suit you to stay in Dublin, that you are not so invested in that Lose part of the Win-Lose relationship with your mother.
Looking forward to another post/ update from you!
anitaMarch 22, 2018 at 10:18 am #198807
Thank you so much for all your help Anita and everyone!
We have decided to keep working on our relationship. Its a bit tough for me as I think I lost myself the past year with all the wedding talks. I feel insecure about us everyday as he walked away from us. But i keep wanting to work on us even though I have no idea what the future holds for us. Is it possible to keep loving someone without knowing what future holds?
any help would be appreciated.
thank youMarch 22, 2018 at 11:58 am #198849
He doesn’t know his future with you, he told you. And you shared with him that your wedding aspirations with him were a result of your mother’s pressure that you get married. So now, after some time, you will be figuring out what suits you, what it is you want. Give it some time, don’t pressure yourself and don’t pressure him again. Calmly, as calmly as you can, figure it out…?
- This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by anita.