Dear bricklady:

Maybe he ended the relationship with you because he worried too much about you. You wrote that he told you that: “he needs to worry about the kids and himself and not me… He says that he will worry about me if we still see each other and that he will worry about me if we don’t.”

What did he mean by all this worrying?

anita

Dear bricklady:

I am sorry you feel so badly and hope you feel better soon. I am thinking that maybe if you have a better understanding of what happened, you may feel better. And so, I re-read your original post and I read your last post.

You presented this relationship as perfect: “We never argue, we don’t fight, when there is a disagreement we immediately talk and work it out”, and “We both felt that our relationship was never the problem”-

You then came up with what you believe to be the evidence or indications what the problem is: he is unwell, in a mental loop, withdrawing from others, becoming depressed- he is unwell. Not the relationship, and it is nothing you did wrong in the relationship.

But the relationship was not perfect. These are the indications that the relationship was not perfect (if you would like, do answer the questions)?:

1. “(We) have celebrated Birthdays, holidays, the ups and downs as any family would”- what “downs”?

2. “when there is a disagreement we immediately talk and work it out”- what were the disagreements? Did the same disagreements come up again and again?

3. “He had gained weight (happy relationship weight) and his doctor adjusted some of his daily medication. He went into full panic mode”- it couldn’t have been a “HAPPY relationship weight” that he gained- he wouldn’t have gone to a panic mode if it was that. What scared him so and what is the nature of the illness and medication he is on?

4. “We had a long talk and came up with solutions to lessen his stress and mine as well”- you were stressed in the relationship, while it was ongoing. What stressed you? How did your stress show?

5. “he has told me that he was worried about me it was in the context of ‘Am I sure I can handle an instant family? …I had thought and prayed about it for several months and decided yes, I can handle it.”- you weren’t sure you could handle the difficulties of having an instant family, for several months you weren’t sure, this is why you prayed about it. During the time you weren’t sure, how were your doubts expressed, in the relationship?

anita

Dear bricklady:

You read like a reasonable person. I am still trying to understand this situation. For that purpose, next question, if you are willing:

In your original post you wrote: ” I know he is hurting but to cut everyone out of your life, to end all means of support is hard on US. He reads and listens to what WE say but it doesn’t sink in that he is pushing away THE PEOPLE that love him.”

Who is the “us” and “the people”? Are you referring to you and his few friends; The friends who have “never seen him act like this” and who “talked to him numerous times on how difficult this will be to cut me off from the children with no explanation. How he is rude to (you and them)”-

If so, reads to me that you have a significant amount of interactions with his friends, interactions without him. You and his friends discuss him a lot? Does he know about those interactions and how does he feel about it?

anita

Dear bricklady:

Lets see: you met your now ex boyfriend in May 2016 and were taking it slow. But only two months later you were already staying overnight at his place, with his children and a few months later, the intent was that you move in. The whole relationship moved along very quickly, in my view, unlike the intent and plan to take “it slow so we could all build a relationship.” This is one ingredient here that I noticed- a fast pace.

You wrote: “We both felt that our relationship was never the problem but the way he was overthinking every aspect in his life was throwing him for a loop….I am willing to go to couples counseling.”

But if the relationship was never the problem, as you wrote, what would be the use of couple counseling? According to your sharing, the problem is his, not yours and not the relationship. So individual therapy would be what is needed?

And then, if there is something wrong with his thinking, his reasoning, then automatically there is a problem in the relationship, which is now over, at this point anyway.

What you presented here, on this thread, is a situation where you did everything right and he did the wrong, due to his medical/ mental in-wellness. This may very well be true. Thing is, if it is all him, there truly is NOTHING at all that you can do. If it was partly something ineffective that you did, then there would have been something- if given the chance- that you could still do.

If he owns the problem, 100%, then your thinking that it is related to the time-line (fresh divorce and, I say, fast pace relationship with you) is a big factor. His medical problems, elevated blood pressure and weight gain- big factor as well. Understandably, being AFRAID as he is, he is retracting, in self protection. No wonder he withdraws from your mutual friends as well- they support you.

What is wrong with your mutual friends supporting you to him? Only one thing: neither they nor you understand the magnitude of his fear, I am thinking. He is simply too afraid.

anita

Dear bricklady:

It reads to me like there is hope and I agree with you that “he needs to be transparent with (you) and open.”

Anxiety is very difficult to deal with, and yours has increased, as a result of his, and his abrupt ending of the relationship. Be cautious, you have to take care of your own well being.

I suppose he ended everything at the time because when anxious, people tend to employ all-or-nothing thinking, and he went for Nothing. So this may be his tendency when anxious: all – or – nothing. Prepare for the likelihood of such tendency.

Couple therapy could be helpful for the two of you to deal with anxiety, your own and each other’s.
If he saw you as a solution to his anxiety, he would seek your company. If he sees you as the cause of his anxiety, he will avoid you. In couple therapy, a competent therapist can teach him how to be effectively transparent and open with you about his anxiety, and it will teach you how to respond to him and take care of yourself at the same time.

Hope you post again, anytime, in preparation for your meeting with him Saturday and/ or after.

anita

Dear bricklady:

I think it is a good idea that when you see him you do NOT offer him solutions, like you did before. Simply because it didn’t work for you or for him. I suggest you listen way more than you talk. When talking, if I was you, I would simply repeat (in your own words) what he just said, so to make sure you understand what he said, and so that he will feel that you heard him. Following that, I will suggest nothing, no solutions. Suggested solutions will scare him.

anita

Dear bricklady:

I understand. I hope Saturday goes well for you. Until then, take care of yourself, ex., take a hot bath, listen to calming music, earlier in the day, take a brisk walk outside. And post again, anytime.

anita