His silent treatment is driving me crazy

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This topic has 36 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 4 months ago by Eliana.

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July 2, 2017 at 8:23 am #155960

Connie
Participant

Hello all,

My long-distance boyfriend and I had an argument (because I sort of freaked out not being about to reach him) about two weeks ago. (We just started LDR less than 3 weeks ago). Things got really bad and we sort of pushed each other to a point that we broke up. The next day I immediately regretted the decision and tried to reach him. He sent me an email telling me that he felt I had wanted to break up for a long time, and our relationship was not healthy, thus he was doing as I wished.

He sounded struggling in the email. I could feel his frustration that no matter how hard he tried, things just never worked out. He said he still cared about me a lot and only wanted the best for me. He wanted me to eat and sleep well and just rest assured that everything’d be ok.

I didn’t feel he really wanted to break up so I tried hard to win him back by calling/texting and emailing him. And it’s been almost 2 weeks I still haven’t heard anything back from him. It feels like he just disappeared on me..

I sent him texts telling him if there’s no more “us”, let me know so I could move on. No response.

I asked him if we could start over. No response either.

Everything was great before the argument. We had issues in the past, but I felt we were making progress. The argument however gave him the impression that all effort we made in the past was in vain.

I really want him back but at the same time, I have given up contacting him. But his silent treatment is driving me crazy. I really hope that I would get an answer from him 🙁 I really want to know what’s in his mind and whether or not we would get back together.

July 2, 2017 at 9:31 am #155982

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Connie:

Let’s look at the term “silent treatment” in the title of your thread and in the content. The term originated in prisons close to 200 years ago as an alternative to physical punishment. The idea was to punish the prisoners by not allowing talking, and to give the prisoners the opportunity to reflect on their disapproved behaviors (their crimes). In relationships, the person giving the other the silent treatment is trying to punish the one receiving the treatment, and once the receiver of the treatment reflects on their disapproved behavior long enough, and is willing and able to change that behavior, then the treatment ends.

Thing is, it is not clear to me that he is giving you the silent treatment. He is silent, yes, but he may not be… mistreating you with it. He may simply be a man of his word: he clearly communicated to you that the relationship is not healthy, that he knows you wanted to break up with him for a long time, and that he is giving you what you wish. Maybe he is done communicating with you, taking care of himself by not availing himself to the distress in further communication.

Maybe he has already gone with you through a pattern of fighting-making up-fighting- making up etc., and he has exited the pattern/ loop.

What do you think?

anita

July 2, 2017 at 9:44 am #155986
Eliana
Participant
Hi Connie,

I think when he said “he only wanted the best for you” that was his way of gently breaking things off with you. I think the silint treatment, is his way of saying “things are over” and he wants you both to be happy and move on.

I know it’s very painful and hard, but you mentioned in your post a long distance relationship and many struggles, and I feel that was his way of telling you, that he felt things could or would not work out. Let me know your thoughts? Keep us posted.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Eliana.
July 2, 2017 at 1:10 pm #156018

Inky
Participant

Hi Connie,

Hi non-response IS the response. Only you can give yourself closure now. He is not giving you the silent treatment as that suggests that he is mad at you. He’s not mad. He has already broken up with you and tried to make it sound like it was your idea.

Stop trying to contact him. Don’t even send a “This is the last text/call/email I’m sending you…” Just drop your end of the rope. And maybe, just maybe, he will (later) reach out to you. The more you try to contact him the LESS likely he is to contact you at this point.

Good Luck,

Inky

July 2, 2017 at 3:12 pm #156038
Connie
Participant
Hello all,

thanks for the feedback. I understand we are really broken up this time. He just wanted to get out of the loop that things never progressed and our issues never got resolved. The email he sent me was really clear, I just chose to interpret in a different way, hoping there’s still a chance.

I feel bad for not being able to control my temper. When I am really upset I tend to be verbally abusive (telling him I wanted to break up and I hated him, etc.) Of course I never wanted to break up with him and I didn’t hate him. But I wasn’t happy. I felt my insecurity was swallowing me that I had to push him away in hope that he would come back to reassure things’d be okay no matter what.

I miss him so much and I know he’s trying to move on that’s why he won’t get back in touch with me (and that hurts me even more.) He was a great boyfriend, yet I ruined our relationship. I don’t know if I will be able to forgive myself and move on.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Connie.
July 2, 2017 at 4:26 pm #156044

Eliana
Participant

Hi Connie,

We all make mistakes in relationships. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. There are probably some things he did wrong too. I think the way to forgive yourself, is knowing and accepting your flaws and working on them. For example, if you feel you are going to lose control of your emotions, take a time out, go for a walk, excuse yourself, and never send a text or e-mail when you are angry,

Try to work on not criticizing or scrutiny. If you feel you are going to say something hurtful, ask yourself, if someone were to say it to you, and how you would feel. Take deep breaths and regain control of your emotions. I am prescribed Topamax for emotion regulation by my Psychiatrist, and it has been a Godsend, as I have lashed out too, and sabatoge my relationships. Forgive yourself by joining a anger management support group, or emotions Anonymous, or therapy to help you cope better in the heat of the moment and in times of distress, so your future relationships can be happy and healthy.

July 2, 2017 at 9:40 pm #156082

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Connie:

I hope you do move on after you learn what you can learn from this relationship so to become a better person and a better future girlfriend to another good man. Learn to control the expressions of your anger and desperation so that you are not verbally abusive. Learn to not to push a man away when you don’t want him away.

You wrote: “He was a great boyfriend, yet I ruined our relationship. I don’t know if I will be able to forgive myself and move on.”- the way you earn self forgiveness, I believe, is by learning and doing the work required to heal from what distresses you so much in relationships, and as a result, become the loving, gentle person you were born to be.

anita

July 4, 2017 at 5:33 am #156270

Connie
Participant

Hi all,

Thanks again for your kind words and encouragement. I understand the key is to learn from the experience.

I have signed up a program and started practicing mindfulness. Hopefully this will help me with my emotion control in the future 🙂

July 4, 2017 at 6:54 am #156290

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Connie:

You are welcome, and congratulations for taking action. Mindfulness is a very, very valuable tool and practice, a way of life, really, that over time and further work, using more tools and skills, will make your life so much better.

Post anytime.

anita

July 5, 2017 at 3:03 pm #156540
Connie
Participant
Hello all,

I checked my email and noticed that I sent me an email couple of days ago. it’s an email responding to my request asking him to take care of my possessions at his house:
_______________________________
You are very welcome, and ok, of course, I am and always will be there for you with anything. Just let me know and I will ship your stuff to wherever you need.
These last couple weeks have been so hellish and very difficult for me. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t work, I can’t focus on anything, and can only think of you. Everything reminds me of you and I think of you literally every moment of every hour, every day, literally. I feel like I’m in prison, in a way, and the only freedom is being close to you, but I know that can’t happen and it is killing me. I can’t even imagine talking to or being with anyone else. Sux.
I really, really, really hope you are happy. I’m constantly wondering what you may be up to or what you are doing in Taiwan or I have something I’d want to share with you, but then realize our predicament and know that you ultimately want this.
I will willfully continue to suffer, knowing that this is for the best and what you ultimately want, and will not be responding to you at all, as a way to help you, as you requested.

I hope you are well. You are beautiful, intelligent, young and energetic, and have the whole world in your palm.
_______________________________

What I ultimately want is not breaking up but finding peace and happiness within.
It hurts me to see him suffer, but I don’t know how to respond to him. Maybe it’s better to leave him alone so he can move on?
Honestly, this email give me the hope that we might get back together, or I am just thinking too much?
- This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Connie.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Connie.
July 5, 2017 at 3:15 pm #156550

Eliana
Participant

Hi Connie,

I would give this a green light!! Yes, it’s looking very good. I loved what he had to say. He obviously is speaking from the heart and misses you, is in deep pain and loves you very much. I would contact him, and let him take the lead. This is very exciting! Keep us posted.

July 6, 2017 at 5:53 am #156598

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Connie:

The email you quoted is an email he sent you a couple of days ago, correct?

He wrote: “I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t work, I can’t focus on anything, and can only think of you. Everything reminds me of you and I think of you literally every moment of every hour, every day, literally… but then realize our predicament and know that you ultimately want this. I will willfully continue to suffer, knowing that this is for the best and what you ultimately want, and will not be responding to you at all, as a way to help you, as you requested.”

My question to you: can you recall and post here what request he is referring to, what exactly is he referring to when he wrote that the breakup is “what you ultimately want”?

In your original post you wrote that two weeks before, “we sort of pushed each other to a point that we broke up. The next day I immediately regretted the decision and tried to reach him.”- you didn’t write that you pushed him away, but that you pushed each other away. And the next way you tried to reconnect with him. So what is he referring to when he stated that it was solely you who wanted the breakup?

anita

July 6, 2017 at 6:45 am #156606
Connie
Participant
Hello Anita,

I tend to get verbally abusive when I am upset. I told him that I wanted to break up several times because I couldn’t feel he cared for me. That was my insecurity issue and I pushed him away in oder for him to come back and reassure things. But I never wanted to break up. It’s just when I am angry, I can’t control whatever comes out of my mouth 🙁 (thats why I have decided to start practicing mindfulness.)The reason he felt that breaking up was something I ultimately wanted was probably because I had mentioned it many times in the past.

The argument caused the break-up:

He was upset that I called him too many times and texted him saying I didn’t feel he cared for me. (I did that because I waited for 8 hours for him to call/text me back. It was our first week of long-distance, I was really insecure)

He told me he felt he was trying hard to check on me but it was never enough and would stop texting me in the future. I then asked him how he would like to keep communication in the future. He just said he would stop doing anything. I asked him what we should do. He replied “have a good night.”

I said “then I guess that’s it.”

He “What? so you want to break up again? better that way?”

I said no. He then said he didn’t want to argue with me because he had a really rough day.

I asked him “is it over? do you want to break up?” He said “sure.” “if you have to ask, then yes”

I tried calling him to talk on the phone. He wouldn’t pick up my calls and texted me back “if you keep calling me, I will block your number,” but soon apologized he didn’t want to be rude and just wanted to avoid drama.

At this point, I should have left him alone but I didn’t. I told him to block my number. I did this because I couldn’t stop the urge to keep calling him, so I figured perhaps for him to block me temporary could leave both of us some quiet time. He didn’t block my number but I was exhausted from the drama so I left him alone eventually.

I felt I tried to communicate with him but all he did was shutting me out. I also know I should have controlled my temper better and really listened to what he wanted, but I didn’t. I just let my emotions explode till it was too late.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Connie.
July 6, 2017 at 6:54 am #156612

Eliana
Participant

Chelsea,

He **wants** to be with you! Based on the e-mail you sent us. He loves and misses you! Call him!! Tell him you are getting the help you need. That you are doing whatever it takes to have a future with him. You don’t have to beg, persuade, anything. Let him take the lead. Just be honest, like you are being with us. You love him, you are getting the help you need, you know your weaknesses and faults and you are changing for him! That’s all you have to say. Let him decide how he wants to proceed, but please contact him, because he seems to be in pain and loves you very much. I hope it all works out.

July 6, 2017 at 7:06 am #156616

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Connie:

No doubt you were wrong to verbally abuse him every time that you did; no doubt you were wrong to tell him that you wanted to break up when you didn’t, again and again. You do need to control the expressions of your anger. And when you want a break up, say it just once and then follow through; don’t threaten it as a way to manipulate the man to behave this or that way.

In his email to you, he tells you in a detailed way how much he is suffering. He wrote: “I will willfully continue to suffer, knowing that this is for the best and what you ultimately want”- He is willing to suffer, he wrote. And he repeats that this is what you, Connie, wants.. You want him to suffer, is the message?

I am thinking at this point, that it might be possible that he is punishing you, trying to make you suffer over his suffering, delivering a message like this: see what you did, Connie? I am suffering terribly and it is your fault! It is what you wanted! You wanted this!

Can it be, a guilt trip execution on his part?

anita
Author

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