Hi Christiana Moore,

I understand what you are going through and how deeply painful and heartbreaking it is to be treated poorly by your family. I also grew up with a mother who was doing the best that she could, and often took her internal struggles out on me, and my father, the provider, never bothered to question if her at times emotional instability was spilling over onto her children. It was not until my mid twenties where I really began to realize that I was crippled with anxiety and stress, and I began to experience PTSD like symptoms when my mother would revert into her emotionally unstable self (usually after drinking).

I, too, wrote a letter to my parents, hoping it would stop the toxicity they were creating around my boyfriend, and get them to realize the pain I was going through as I self healed. This also did not work. It back fired on me and they used it against me. It fired the ammunition as well for my other family members to take a dislike in me, without even trying to understand me.

It is a long story, but for the sake of the relationship that I was trying to build with my now husband, and the sake of my own sanity, trying to build my individuality and create healthier spaces for myself, I had separated myself from my family. I have very limited contact with my siblings, I rarely speak to my father, and my relationship with my mother has gotten better but I do not ever expect it to go back to how I thought it use to be (this was after almost 2 years without speaking/speaking very little).

I had to do this for my sanity and to break the cycle of dysfunctional relationships in my life. I still struggle with boundaries and with carrying my pain, but I promise you as time goes on it will become easier and you will strengthen your character.

Every day you are going to wake up as Christiana Moore and you are going to go to bed as Christiana Moore. You cannot live any one else’s life for them, nor can they live it for you. You have to forge your own path in life and take ownership for your actions and how you decide to grow and develop yourself as a person. Sometimes this means we have to put space in between us and the ones we love because they cannot respect us enough to grow into something different. That is okay. You are not responsible for their emotional work. You can only do your own and let it be an example for your daughter. Bringing yourself peace of mind, awareness of self and emotion, and the ability to implement change within yourself for the better is the best role modeling you can do for your daughter.

For me, a lot of my self work and healing came through meditation. I dealt with fierce anger, rage, and shame in the beginning of this ordeal, and reading books from the Dali Lama on anger, and books from Pema Chodron on meditation and inner healing helped set me on a path of self compassion. I also read some books on how to set healthy boundaries. Identify the habits you have learned from growing up with your family that you wish to change. Habits are hard to break. Be aware of them and when the moment arises where you see the habit and you can make the choice to do something different, do something different! It is empowering to make those kinds of changes and over time your habit will become less and less and you will form a new habit of reaction.

More than anything be kind to yourself throughout all of this. You are your own best friend and you should treat yourself as such. You deserve that kind of self respect and self love. We all do. And do not forget to forgive yourself and your family for how this has played out. We all react with whatever level of awareness we have at the time we need to react. Learning from this reaction and its outcome is how we grow as people.

Dear Christiana Moore,

You have had some very good replies with lots of suggestions to help you deal with your emotional distress.

I don’t believe that it is healthy to carry your hurt with you until you can confront the abusers.  The letters you wrote were not well received but have you thought of writing individual letters to all your abusers but instead of sending them, hold a ceremony to release your words into the Universe.  You can do this by setting them on fire, safely of course, and make a statement that you are releasing all your hurt and pain to the Universe instead of keeping it locked away inside yourself.

You say that you touched the surface of your pain with meditation and crystals.  This is good, very good.  Clearing the surface will allow other things to come up and you will then be able to deal with them.   Sometimes it is like peeling layers off an onion.  You remove one layer and another one appears from underneath it, no longer hidden from sight.

It might also help if you were to have a talk with your inner child.  Tell her that you love her and that you (the adult) will do your utmost to see that no-one ever harms her again.  Keep reassuring her that she is safe now.  Send her as much love as you are able to and gradually your pain will ease.

Anxiety issues can frequently be overcome by learning correct breathing techniques.  It sounds too simple doesn’t it.  Meditation might have taught you this, i don’t know, but if you put your hand on the area between your lower ribcage (your solar plexus) and breathe into your hand until you can feel that area rising, you will be breathing more fully and your anxiety levels will drop if you practise this on a regular basis.  Ideally, this should be your normal breathing pattern.

It is worrying that you are not able to speak out when someone is causing you harm.  You need to address this as soon as you can.  It may help you if you can take some assertiveness training to give you more confidence.  A simple “please don’t do that” might be all it needs sometimes.  You can practise this in front of a mirror at home until you feel that you have some authority in your voice and maintain eye contact when possible.

I sincerely hope that you are able to overcome your difficult start in life and wish you all the best for the future.

Peggy