So I am currently a university student and I have been having a crush/liking a classmate (lets call her Jane) for about a year now. We took the same module/class together for three consecutive semesters.

During the first semester I didn’t really pay much attention to her; probably just had a chat with her once. Also during then, I actually had a crush on another girl in the class, in particular from my project group. I confessed to her but turns out she was already in a relationship and it wasn’t easy for me to get over her. She graduated after that semester so that story kind of just ends there.

In the next semester I took another (more advanced) module and it happened that Jane was also taking it. I think mainly because we knew only each other in that class so we just sat together from day one and become close friends since. We would meet each other twice per week for lessons and probably texted each other about once per week, mainly over class-related things – she asking me some stuff and from there we started chatting about other stuff as well. It was very platonic, and to be honest I wasn’t really interested in her romantically, just more of a friend I enjoyed chatting to, especially because I am an introvert and I don’t have a lot of friends and neither do I talk a lot to others (not that I dislike talking to people), but I was just very comfortable with her. Also, I didn’t tell her about the earlier crush + rejection I had, but I do think that just have a new close friend helped me get over the earlier rejection.

In the third semester, we continued taking another module together and I don’t really know how or why it began, but I just started feeling attracted to her; I feel like I wanted to be nicer to her, sweet to her, etc. But I didn’t want to let my emotions get the better hold of me, so I wasn’t thinking too much into it and I was also confused as to whether I truly liked her, or is this just a crush that will eventually fade away. But eventually I confessed to her and initially she seemed very shocked and flustered; she was mumbling something initially, so I just probed her and asked “Oh do you already have a boyfriend” (I know… I should have learnt from my previous mistake) and she said ya. I was very devastated and it was something I couldn’t 100% accept because I felt like given how close we were (for a year), I would/should know if she had a boyfriend. On one hand I was thinking if it was an excuse because the relationship we had was very platonic, and if I were to reflect on the kind of interactions we had, it was mainly me teasing her and maybe irritating her at times but she took it well. So, I can understand if she didn’t feel any romantic feelings for me.

The week after I confessed to her, after lessons we usually walk to the same bus stop but this time she said she is heading to the other bus stop across the road instead so we just parted ways. While I was waiting for my bus I saw from a distance her boyfriend and to be honest I felt I took it quite well; I didn’t plunge into greater despair, rather I just found it ridiculous how coincidental it was. I did subsequently ask her if that guy was her boyfriend and she confirmed it, saying he happened to have some meeting nearby that day so they met after lesson. Just me ranting here but even on Valentine’s Day (weeks before I confessed to her), we had lessons that day and that guy didn’t even appear after our lesson ended… I guess what I am trying to say is that there was not even a hint that she had a boyfriend until I confessed to her.

After that we still continued to talk and hanged out after lessons, but it was a huge struggle for me. After that semester ended, she did text me once and I guess I was kind of harsh in my reply like “Oh lame, I don’t care”. Its definitely not those exact words but it is along that idea/tone. After that we didn’t take any similar classes together and we just kind of stopped talking.

So that episode ended in May last year and then earlier this year I just happened to spot an exchange programme and I asked her about it so we started talking after a long while of “radio silence”. It was more of a once-a-month chat, mainly just her asking about the administrative procedures and I helped her with it, with some occasional sarcastic remarks, which I think it just irritated her. To be honest I just feel very conflicted, on one hand I want to push her away and not care about her and when I reflect about why I have feelings for her, I can’t really pinpoint any traits or say that she is super amazing in any way (she is almost the opposite of me) but for some reason I just feel like regardless of her looks she is the prettiest girl to me, I enjoy being with her and I just want to be there to support her, help her (she is kind of like a lost sheep), make her laugh etc. Just a little background information, I am from the computer science faculty, so I don’t really get to interact with many girls to begin with and I don’t use dating apps so I am not sure if it is just me not meeting enough girls/feeling lonely etc. But I just don’t understand even if that is the case, how is it possible that after a year I still have such feelings for her. As mentioned earlier even till today I am still a little confused about my feelings for her because at times I feel like I can just brush it under the carpet but eventually all the feelings just resurface again.

Because of the COVID-19 situation, our school has cancelled all exchange programmes and we just had a chat about it 2 days ago. I just don’t know if I should tell her about my feelings (whether it is worth it) especially because I don’t really see us chatting again in the foreseeable future. I am not usually the type that just talk to friends, find out how they are doing etc, usually I will only contact someone if there is something to talk about.

Sorry for the super long story and I hope it is not confusing, but if there is any part that confuses you do let me know. I really hope to get some advice on this matter.