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How can I be myself when I don't like who I am fundamentally?

HomeForumsEmotional MasteryHow can I be myself when I don't like who I am fundamentally?

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  • #280977
    benjamin
    Participant

    Before the age of 14, I was an outgoing, funny, kind, sensitive kid. I didn’t care what the world thought of me, and I was committed to being myself. Then, at age 14, I was hit with bipolar disorder. I started experiencing huge manic episodes— irritability, horrible self-attacking thoughts that would drive me practically crazy, huge amounts of energy that would result in me throwing things in my house, crying, screaming at my family and myself. And much more. It was awful, and this caused me to leave school. I was at home for 3 months, in and out of hospitals, going to therapists, trying medications, all the while refusing to leave the house unless I had to, and having my parents make sure no one ever came over the house. All of the friends I had were no longer in my life. I ended up getting on the right medication and going to a therapeutic high school, 7 years of hard-work, therapy, medication, and also luck, I’m now about to graduate college. I’ve come a very long way. And my disorder is still a problem, but not nearly as bad as it was.

    But I’m so lonely. I don’t know how to let people in. My formative teenage years taught me to hide all of my emotions and thoughts from people because no one would ever understand the things going on in my head. And hiding is what I do best. As a result, no one really knows me. And I’m constantly putting on an act for the world, even if it’s super super subtle. I’m an actor now, so it comes naturally to me. Everybody likes me. To the world I’m a smiling, tall, funny guy, but on the inside, I’m not those things. I still feel like the kid who’s in a fetal position in his room that he just tore apart because he can’t control himself. I hate myself. I don’t like who I am, and I don’t think anyone would ever want to actually be around the “real” me. When I’m at home, I’m the “real” me, and I don’t like who he is. He’s negative, he’s neurotic, obsessive, either anxious or depressed. But I’m so lonely, and tired of putting on the act. I really want to show myself to people but I can’t seem to stop filtering myself. Even if I could test out to see how bad the “real” me even is, I don’t know how I can bypass this automatic fight/flight response to people that just immediately shuts down whatever I actually am thinking and feeling. I get into conversations with people and I just get stuck. I don’t know how to actually say what I think or feel, or behave in the way that I feel. I only know how to give people what they want to see. I don’t know how to stop controlling it. The only person I can let this guard down with is my mom. And I need some advice.

    So my question is: How can I be myself around  people when I don’t like who I am? When “myself” is so much worse than who people think I am? And, even if I didn’t hate myself, how can I bypass this filter of mine? This censor that goes up once I come into contact with the outside world? It seems/feels automatic. I stifle my impulses and true reactions, and I just want to be free. I know this is a really specific problem, but has anyone else experienced this? Filtering yourself because you feel who you actually are without the filter is someone people wouldn’t want to be around? And what do you do? How do you stop filtering what you say, think, or feel? And is this possible for someone who struggles so much? I don’t want to burden people, or scare them away. But I also want people to know me. Any advice?

    #281017
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear benjamin:

    You asked: “How can I be myself around people when I don’t like who I am? When ‘myself’ is so much worse than who people think I am?”

    By understanding first that most people you come across, they too don’t like who they are, they too think that who they really are is much worse than what people think.

    Let’s look at what happened when you were 14: “I started experiencing huge manic episodes- irritability, horrible self-attacking thoughts that would drive me practically crazy, huge amounts of energy that would result in me throwing things in my house.. And much more”.

    This is how I see it: we all have that inner critic, a voice in our brain that criticizes us. It is the mental representative of a critical parent or one or more adults in your childhood home.

    At 14, that inner critic became very loud and it overwhelmed you. Its criticism must have been vicious and persistent, attacking you repeatedly. As a result of these attacks you felt great fear, a fear that caused you to be filled with energy aimed at preparing you to either run away or fight (the Fight/ fight response to perceived danger).

    You didn’t understand what was happening, so you figured that what was happening was that there is something very abnormal and wrong about you. That misunderstanding and belief gave that inner critic more fuel in its criticism of you.

    You took medications, calming that inner critic and your fear of it, quieting down that Flight/Fight response and now you are left with an … almost manageable inner critic.

    Other people you come across, they have their own inner critics, just like you do. They are afraid too. Their reaction to their inner critic and its attacks are varied: some turn to drugs and alcohol, others engage in compulsive behaviors such as in OCD, and yet others run marathons.

    Pay attention to others’ inner critics, communicate with others about that shared human challenge, the overactive, self abusive inner critic.

    anita

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