Amelie,

Thanks for taking the time to answer the rest of the questions.

I am glad that you are making these realizations about your self and your behaviors, even though it may be painful. Don’t add more pain to yourself by feeling regret or shame about the way you have treated yourself. Try to be understanding of yourself. The scarring yourself was just a coping mechanism. You were trying to remove the pain. I noticed that I showered compulsively and washed myself at least three times to feel clean. When I got out of the shower, I never felt clean. Now I realized that the abuse made me feel dirty and I was trying to remove the nonphysical feeling of filth in a physical way. I also noticed that anytime I felt like crying, I would take a shower and cry there. However, now as adults we can find a better method. It seems to me that you are doing just that.

“I made some devastating discoveries about myself… the pain was so intense that sometimes my life didn’t seem like it is my life… sometimes I felt like I was disconnected from the world…”
I feel you 100%. For me looking at the pain was like staring directly at the bright sun and burning my cornea. I literally could not look at it. I had to look away. So I had to look at it in bite size pieces and unplug/disconnect when it became too overwhelming. I still do this but I have changed it. Rather than hiding or suppressing it, I looked at it like looking at a book of my pain. I could only read a couple of sentences at a time. When it became too much, instead of stuffing the book under the bed or closing it, I would leave it open on the table and choose to walk away. So I acknowledged the pain but still understood that I couldn’t take it in all at once and didn’t try to suppress it. Now I can read pages, hopefully soon I can read chapters and then after that I will be finished reading it altogether and can put it down for good. Then I can move on to another book with drama, adventures, happy moments, melancholic moments and all the above. Because I have not dealt with this book, I haven”t been able to move on to the other books that life has to offer. The process is very slow but at least we are getting there.

“I have never had many friends. I just can’t maintain friendship relationships. This has bothered me for years… I have always, always wondered what the hell was wrong with me…Then I saw that I’ve been pushing people away. My whole life… always pushing people away. People come to me, but I just don’t do what it takes to create a bond.”
Yep, yep and yep! I let people get extremely close to me. Many people will say that I am a great friend and a valuable asset in their lives. However, I don’t get close to people or let them in. Major trust issues. Major issues with intimacy as I didn’t learn to form healthy attachments and bonds. I fear they won’t like me or accept me if I showed them all of me. I fear that right when I decide to let them in that they will hurt me, abandon me or reject me or use me or all of these terrible things that my mind can conjure up. Also I crave closeness and intimacy more than anything else but at the same time it feels highly smothering and uncomfortable. I have been very vulnerable and open with my current partner because I haven’t done so in past relationships. However, it is with strings attached. I show him my vulnerability then I put my defenses up. I attach many conditions and he has to pass many tests to prove he is trustworthy. I don’t mean trustworthy as in won’t cheat on me but trustworthy as in you aren’t going to manipulate me because I showed you my weakness, etc. Sometimes if I feel I showed him something too ugly about me, then I will be very sweet and accommodating. Almost as if I want him to see that I am still a good person. I feel like I am screaming “please love me even though you truly saw me. See what I made for you. See I what I did for you. I’m not so ugly after all.” This really has more to do with me not accepting myself fully, with not accepting my hurt, pain, fear, weaknesses and all. We have rejected that part of ourselves for so long that we feel others will reject them too. Ironically, when people show me these sides of themselves, I love them more, just as they are. My partner and I both have unhealthy patterns of relating so we are seeking couple’s therapy now. Just last night I told my boyfriend rather nicely and calmly that I just wanted to leave my whole life behind. Just hop in the car, just me and my dog Chopper, and go anywhere. Maybe come back, maybe not. I told him I just want freedom and independence not necessarily from him but in all aspects of my life. I have been a world traveler and we were discussing it in these terms. But after us talking about it more, I realized it was not just a case of the travel bug but a cop out too. It was just because I am getting too close and attached to people here and to this place. We moved around a lot as a child so I never really could form good, close relationships. I notice that right when I get settled somewhere, I want out. I want to start something new, somewhere else. I am unsure how to overcome this at this point in life.

“I discovered so many hatred towards me that scares me to death.” Same here. I wrote down all of the hateful things I felt about myself. Logically, I knew these things weren’t even close to the truth but I felt they were true. I wouldn’t suggest doing this until you truly feel ready. I thought about doing it for a very long time but worried that I would have an emotional breakdown or spiral out of control. I finally felt ready. It was painful. I only looked at it once but it felt so good to purge it. I felt like I was vomiting these feelings out. Also instead of criticizing myself for feeling hatred towards myself, I was kind and compassionate to myself. This was hard to do. But seeing myself like I would see a friend sharing this information with me helped a lot. I would be kind not cruel. I would console not criticize. I accepted that I felt that way and was understanding as to why. Then I could finally work on changing those feelings. You can’t change, if you don’t know what to change. So the list provided me with insight and understanding. I linked each emotion to a particular cause. For example, I felt unlovable because I was told I was unwanted. I even linked events to memories. So I kind of did an analysis so to speak. So anytime I start to feel hate towards myself, I think of the list and know why versus believing what I feel. I also remind myself that these events happened in the past but don’t necessarily have to dictate how I feel now. So I think of other more recent events when I was wanted, when I was lovable, etc.

“But I’m scared this feeling will go away (like happened before) and suffering will come back.”

Amelie, it will be a roller coaster ride. The suffering will come back but each time a bit more gentle. Life is a cycle. So don’t cling to the pain or to the pleasure. Enjoy the happiness, clarity, joy while it lasts, also be present to the suffering knowing that this too shall end. I know we can get stuck feeling like the happiness is temporary and the suffering is permanent but it is all temporary. In a way this can cause anxiety but it can also bring relief if we center ourselves in the present.

” I’m afraid the part that hates me will come back.” You must mend the break, the split. There is not a separate part of you. You are a whole person. In the West, we learn that we are good or bad, black or white, male or female. It’s not that easy. We are one person with many different parts all functioning for the sake of creating a whole, balanced person. The part that hates you really just hates your suffering, your pain not necessarily you. We confuse our emotions for who we are. As in my pain is me. We even use it in our language ‘I am happy, I am sad, I am hurt’. If you feel that your emotion is you and you feel pain, naturally you would hate your pain thus hating yourself. However hurtful, these emotions are necessary. They point to something that needs fixing/healing, which you are doing now.

Also your emotion has nowhere to go so it turns inward. The anger and hate is towards your pain, towards the ones that hurt you. It has no outlet so it just goes back to you. These emotions are volatile because they always end up hurting you. It’s not necessary to hold on to them but not necessary to bury them either. Give them a healthy release. Grab some old plates and smash them with a hammer. Take up kickboxing or fencing. Scream loudly. Write about your anger and hate and hurt. Just make sure to release them not cling to them and not bury them. Someone explained to me that resentment is really meant to be resent to you. Wonderful lesson! Still working on my resentment! Slowly these emotions will settle and begin to transform. All emotion is just energy. It just slides back and forth on a spectrum. You can feel it in your body. When we watch a movie for example, we can see this transference take place. You will laugh then that laughter will turn into confusion then into suspense then the suspense turns into anger then anger turns into weeping then it goes back to feelings of joyfulness when the ending is happy. Our emotional state is like an ocean, on the surface the ocean shifts and changes; it can be turbulent, calm, etc. However, when you swim deeper and move away from the surface, the ocean is still. So know that although there are all of these varying waves of emotion, when you go deeper within yourself there is stillness within you. It is easier said than done. Just like deep sea diving, swimming deeper within ourselves requires training and equipment and learning how to breathe underwater. Remember that we always have to resurface. We can do so without getting caught up in the waves of the surface. I am sure you are acquiring the right tools.

Thanks for sharing your experience and reaching out! You are doing tremendous work!

Sending you lots of love,

Zenhen

I heard this song tonight on the radio…it reminded me a bit of our pain:

Matt,

It makes sense to me why you would dress baggy, without makeup… trying to deny, avoid and hide the sensual and beautiful body you’re in. If sensuality and sexuality brings pain, of course. However, you’re strong now! You can put a knee in the balls of an aggressor, and just because someone finds you beautiful doesn’t mean you have to open for them. You have choices now that you didn’t before, and its OK and safe for you to embrace your curves and features.”

Thanks so much for this. It is rather a matter of safety. And the sensuality and sexuality do bring pain. I need to understand that I am no longer helpless or powerless. This healing process is also about regaining my power. You are right, I don’t have to give in to everybody. I really need to learn this. I am getting better at it. I realized I felt that I wouldn’t be loved or liked otherwise. Part of beginning to love myself means having choices and creating boundaries. I won’t make ill choices based on desperation for love because I’m building self love.

“The penetration, the opening of your body to him is actually a small part of a greater surrender. ”

I really enjoyed your perspective on surrender and relaxing not just the body, but the mind and heart too. I like how these tickies or soft sensual vibrations are about waking up the senses and the body. I never preferred soft and slow, it felt boring. Now I see it was mainly my discomfort with intimacy and when you take your time, your forced to be present more. I do hope to experience the union you speak of and to discover what lies beyond orgasm. Now that I think of it, orgasms can be simply mechanical. It is not the end all and be all of sex. I also want to shift sexuality to sensuality.

I really hope I can find that union of heart, mind and soul with my partner, if not with another. I worry sometimes that I won’t find a good partner. I think that I need to do a lot of self work before I can have a partner. However, I have found that with issues like this, I can only work on it with a partner. How do I work on trusting without someone to trust, or on surrendering without someone to surrender to. So many times I want out of relationships but at the same time I have experienced such growth from them, even if they don’t last.

Thanks once again and have a great weekend!

With Love,

Zenhen