How can our relationship survive

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This topic has 8 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years ago by Anonymous.

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November 3, 2018 at 12:10 pm #235267
sparkle00
Participant
Hi everyone, I have been with my guy for over 3 years. In the first 6 months the sexual side just stopped. However he does everything for me plus cuddles, kisses etc. He says that he lacks sexual desire in general and maybe it’s to do with a head injury that he had. How can he keep on loving me and for our bond to still be close. How can a man have a future with someone he doesn’t sleep with. I can go without because I love him no matter what and it’s strong, never has changed. I’m worried about my future that I’m in the friend zone and I don’t know it. Also concerned that someone will come along that he will be attracted to fully. I worry about his past relationships were they passionate more loving than me.
- This topic was modified 6 years ago by sparkle00.
November 3, 2018 at 2:33 pm #235279

Mark
Participant

I wonder how old is he? I wonder if he has had a medical checkup on his lack of sexual desire. Didn’t he have sexual desire when you two first got together? I wonder why you are wondering about your relationship now after over 3 years?

November 3, 2018 at 5:32 pm #235287

sparkle00
Participant

Hi Mark, he’s in the forties. He did have sexual desire at the start but it wasnt frequent. I’m happy the way things are but how do I know he’s not out being with someone else. He goes away for work but h tells me it’s just work nothing else.

November 4, 2018 at 4:53 am #235307

Anonymous
Guest

Dear sparkle00:

From your previous threads and this one, I understand that you are about 45, and he is about your age, and that you have been suffering from significant anxiety in regard to this relationship.

In July 2017 he told you that you are driving him crazy asking him again and again if he loves you, that he had it with you and your insecurity, that he wants out of the relationship because of your expressed insecurity, but he gave you a chance to work on your insecurity and stayed in the relationship (“Yesterday he said I’ve had it with you this insecurity. However he did give me a chance and I’m working on it. I also asked him if he still loves me but he said when I ask him it drives him crazy”).

I think it is time for you to attend psychotherapy regarding your insecurity, that will be working on it, which you told him that you will do.

I asked you questions in your previous threads but you didn’t answer me, so I am not asking you more questions. If you want to answer my previous questions, you are welcome to read those in your previous threads and answer them.

anita

November 4, 2018 at 11:18 am #235361
sparkle00
Participant
Not to be rude however in response to your comment. Quote: I’m not going to ask you anymore questions because I didn’t give you an answer on a previous thread. Hello, I don’t have to answer. It’s not compulsory. don’t feel your advice is helpful, it’s your tone it’s very off putting.
- This reply was modified 6 years ago by sparkle00.
November 4, 2018 at 12:29 pm #235389

Feathering my nest
Participant

Heya Sparkle,

I know this is painful for you, and you want support from us – you’ve been here on and off for a long time.

If you always do the same things, you will always feel the same way. Tension and unease is a companion to emotional growth. Stepping outside your comfort zone is a pre-requisite to growth.

Sure- you don’t *have* to answer Anita’s questions, or listen to her advice. Nobody is making you do that.
And yet you come back and have not moved very far on this matter, years later.

What is the value for you in coming here for our support- if you are not prepared to challenge yourself and sit with difficult questions?

Do you want us to tell us your worst fears are correct and you should leave your partner?

It looks to me as if he cares for you, but you struggle with anxiety and have not accepted this fact.

November 4, 2018 at 6:49 pm #235419

John
Participant

Feathering is exactly right.

Let me tell you right now, I am in a situation that because I refused to work on me, and refused to tackle my issues, that I am on the knife’s edge of losing my 15 year marriage. My wife had tried to bring up the problems she was having, and instead of committing to a little introspection and commitment to change what I could, I took it as an attack and dug in further.

You. Must. Be. Ready. To. Change.

Period.

If you are not, allow your husband/boyfriend/companion the courtesy of walking away with dignity and allowing him to still feel fondly of you. If you dig in and refuse to change, yet also demand to stay together, he is going to hate you one day. It will start with resentment, and that resentment will turn into disdain, and finally, that disdain will turn into outright hatred of you. But there is good news. You CAN change. It won’t be easy. It will be painful likely. But in the end, you two will be stronger than you have ever been. Just because us men don’t want to be intimate with you in any way means we are out cheating on you. Sure, it’s a possibility. It’s also a possibility he’s gay. Or that he hit his head and doesn’t remember you. Do you see what I mean? There are a million different reasons. Occam’s Razor says that he stopped because he doesn’t feel “safe” with you. Men, just as women, require a connection and a feeling that they can depend on their spouse. If they don’t get that, the first thing to go is the intimacy. If you are constantly jealous or domineering, or you claim he’s cheating, or you are overly needy (every man likes to feel needed, no man likes a woman or man so needy that they become a child to take care of), he will shut that part of your relationship down as an “across the bow” warning of dire consequences to come for your relationship. I am going to guess that wasn’t his opening salvo in the matter, either. I would wager he grew emotionally distant from you first. Maybe stopped telling you how pretty you are or how much he loves you. He likely then started to physically avoid you or do things to purposefully push you away. If he has reached this level (because trust me, us men LOVE sex), your relationship is on life support.

It’s time to make a decision. Stay and work on YOU first so you can really love him. Or walk away and save you both a lot of heartache.

November 4, 2018 at 6:55 pm #235423

John
Participant

One last thing:

Steel is stronger when forged in fire and pounded relentlessly. It’s literally called forging, which means to strengthen. In our lives, we will come across many opportunities to forge…..ourselves, our relationships, really anything that might at some point face adversity. It is what you do when the fires rise and what is important to you is put in the flames….because even steel will melt if left in the flames of the forge for too long. At the very least, it becomes less structurally sound the more time it spends in the flames, making it less likely to survive another round of forging. Right now, your relationship is not just in the forge, it’s been sat in there and forgotten. But you can fold it, pound it, quench it in the oil of self discovery. And out will come something that was stronger than when it went in.

Gee, I bet you can’t tell what I do for a living…..

November 5, 2018 at 12:17 pm #235581

Anonymous
Guest

I am sorry, sparkle00. I read my last post to you, here on this thread, and I agree, my tone there is very off putting. I didn’t realize it when I submitted it.

You were not rude to have pointed it out. I was rude to have submitted that post to you.

I hope you communicate with other members here or in any other thread that you may start. (I will stay away)

anita
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