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How do I help my partner. He has swtiched off from me

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  • November 13, 2013 at 10:53 am #45239
    Nams
    Participant

    My 3yr relationship with a good kindhearted loving man has had some minor bumps along the way. Im older than him and hes an old mature soul even though many years younger. I have come to love him even though i came from an emotional past and was pretty much closed myself to love. he made me feel cared and loved again. through fear and panic I became needy and emotional in this relship. I wanted him around when I needed him. Sometimes I was impatient and not understanding with little things… Above all we still had so many happy moments.
    Last week a small phonecall wanting his attention, turned into a major fight where i said some nasty hurtful things without thinking. i was over emotional. I told hime he doesnt love me and care anymore and that I want out.
    He was super upset and couldnt understand what he did wrong for me to over react. he in fact did no wrong. It was my doing..
    to cut a long story short.. he has now become cold and closed off. He does not want to be emotional or physical with me anymore :/ I apologised and I know what I did wrong. Im even getting help with the psychologist etc..
    He says he is drained, too tired of emotional things and cannot go on with me . Now we can only be friends. and behave the way friends do.
    I am so confused and hurt as I feel I killed his spirit and emotions. what do I say? what do I do to make him see that I care and love him. I need him to trust that I wont do this again and I wont hurt him again. I know men have a deep fear of rejection.. is this it? Have I started a tsunami of emotions that will throw me out of his life. help me understand how men feel and think.. and what I can do i help him heal and trust and not give up on love and us

    November 13, 2013 at 11:03 am #45240
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey Namritha,
    I think the main thing is to first forgive yourself. Not one of us is perfect in our relationships. We all say things that we may later regret but the first step in moving forward is to totally and completely forgive yourself.
    Gently remind yourself all throughout the day “I’m doing the best I can and it’s enought”
    How have you been taking care of yourself?
    You can’t control his behavior but I do believe if there was once love there then it can definitely return.
    For now I would focus on taking really excellent care of YOU and that will certainly help shift the vibe.
    Sending you a big hug!
    Carla

    November 13, 2013 at 9:48 pm #45288
    sia
    Participant

    hi namritha… i think you can tell him or text him or email him..(communicate..) that you did not mean to talk in that rude way… all you wanted is his attention (or love..), and those things just came out of your mouth before you knew it.. and ask him to forgive, say sorry for the bad words…(if all this is true..) let him know how much important he is and how much u value your relationship… also let him know if there are any other aspects in your life such a job/ education, etc which make you unhappy and drained.. and made u say those words..
    also, you would not know what he was facing at the time you called and said those things… it might be (might be…) that he himself was under a lot of stress and when he found that u, his very important person is not understanding him, he thought it is better to stay silent..
    in a relationship, honesty, truth and communication go a very long way.. these things enhance trust, understanding..
    so, it is always better to communicate.. let the other person know what u are going through.. your man might open up and tell u his side of story too..
    really hope that this helps…
    best of luck to u..

    November 14, 2013 at 1:43 am #45296
    Karin
    Participant

    Dear Namritha,

    I recognize a lot from your story. I used to be in a relationship where i expected my boyfriend to make me happy. I needed him. I needed more attention. I was needy, just like you say. It wasn’t a healthy relationship and when it ended i knew I had to change something.

    It took me 4 years, but i learned to take responsibility for my own happiness. I read about mindfulness, i read inspiring articles on the internet and slowly understood that i cannot demand happiness from anyone. I cannot expect to get all his attention when i want it. I cannot expect him to fix me or rescue me from my past. And whatever he would do, I couldn’t believe he loved me, because I could not imagine anyone could really love me… I had to love myself first.
    In my opinion a healthy relationship is not about needing someone else, it’s about sharing love and happiness.

    I’m not saying you shouldn’t fight to keep this relationship, but I would like to advise you to work on loving yourself. On being enough for yourself. You have everything in you that you need, including lots of love and understanding. Explore, dig deep, you will find it. (Much like Carlamholden says, she only says it in a nicer way 😉 )

    I wish you lots of strength and love,
    Karin

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