Hi 2003pal,

Sounds like a difficult situation to be in. I’d say: talk to him, but that seems not to be working.
There is another thing to try: relax. Work on your own happiness.
And another thing: try not to watch tv together, but take a walk outside, or have a nice dinner together, take a ride…

I do hope that you guys can work it out 🙂

Hi Anyone,

I don’t think you have to feel guilty about not picking up a midnight phone call from your ex, rather I think it’s good for you that you didn’t. You were respectful of your own boundaries.

Maybe you can tell her what you told us. Speak from your heart, tell her how this makes you feel, what it does to you. Ask her for what you’d like to have from her – what is that? Peace? Respect? Space?

I don’t really know what to say about people cheating on other people… I don’t really understand that either. What I do know is that you are strong enough to move on. Take care of yourself, give yourself what you’d like to receive from another.

There is nothing wrong with being single, I’ve enjoyed it for a long time, but don’t close your heart for others. Stay open, with respect for your own boundaries of course.

Good luck Anyone 🙂

Dear Lily,

You’ve shown such strength already and of course it hurts. It’s ok to feel pain, you are a human being and when something touches you, you feel life running through you.

What has helped me in the past, and still does now, is to focus on what I do have. Basically it’s an exercise in gratitude. Keep a list of what you’re most grateful for and focus on that, make it a daily habit, I assure you, you will start to love your life even more.

When I tell myself stories, like The Ruminant also pointed out, I try to ask myself what can I gain from this experience? What has it taught me, what would I like to do different if it happens again and what will I need to be able to do that.
Confidence, self-respect, self-love, mildness, the ability to not take every little thing personal – that’s what I needed and that’s what I’ve been working on. Change your focus, it will help.

You said that this is not about you. And you’re right. He didn’t do this to hurt you, he made choices based on what he thought would make him happy. Everyone deserves to be happy.

So what makes you happy? Do you choose happiness?

I wish you lots of wisdom and mildness for yourself,
Karin

Hi Eddie,

Like Jen said, it’s so good that you are so aware of this. You can even list some of the negative thoughts you have. That’s a really good step. Did you realize that thoughts are only words… not absolute truth? You don’t have to believe them.
Whenever a thought like that comes up you can thank your brain for coming up with it and can ask yourself: is this true? Is this the absolute truth? Is this thought in anyway useful? What happens to me if I believe this? What would happen if I didn’t? What can I think instead?
Like this thought you said you have: ‘remember when this failure occurred?’ It makes me think: You’re still here, living and breathing, this failure didn’t kill you… perhaps it taught you something, perhaps it made you stronger? Some say: there is no failure… only feedback!

If you look back to your life and see only negativity then i’m surprised you’re not in worse shape than you seem to be. Obviously you have some strength within you that makes you want to go on, to be positive, to keep trying. Isn’t that great? Why not focus on that? And those parts of yourself that you like, the real you, I’d say, you can focus on that! Change the story you tell yourself about yourself, you have the power to do that!

A ‘trick’ that has really helped me is gratefulness: what have you got in your life, in yourself, to be grateful for? Let’s say you make a little list everyday with positive things that happened to you, maybe the sun on your face. With positive things you did, like smile to a stranger. With the things that life has given you already. By making a sort of ritual of it, by doing it everyday, it will make it easier to focus on the positive things that are bound to happen everyday, that you yourself do every day. It will make it easier to focus on the good within yourself, that I know is there.

Like Jen said, you made the first step already!

I’m sure you have what it takes to be the Eddie you want to be!

With love,
Karin

Dear Surabhi,

This must be very hard for you. It seems to me everything in your life is against you. Is there nothing in your life that makes you smile? Something small perhaps? Like the sun on your skin, a beautiful leaf on a tree, a smile from a stranger. There is always something.

Everything you need is within you. Find things that inspire you, read books (like the power of now by eckhart tolle), go to places where you may find support (a yoga- or meditation class perhaps).

When you feel a little stronger perhaps you can talk to those close to you and tell them how they make you feel. Talk from your heart. If you only show your tears, but not your thoughts no one will know how to support you.

Your last sentence is a beautiful one: ‘…so that i will inspire people who are miserable…’ The people who seem to ignore you probably all have something they worry about. Perhaps you can support them and maybe that will inspire you to feel better about yourself.

In the mean time you will always have tiny Buddha!

I wish you a lot of strength and love,
Karin

Hi Rithu,

I’m so sorry for the pain this has caused you.

I’m sure that the people who love you, your family and your friends, will understand when you explain to them what has happened. When you confide in them and let yourself be vulnerable you might be surprised at what happens.

Please read the articles on this website and know that you are strong enough to live through this. I have faith in you, because i know you have everything within you that you need to lead the life you are meant to live.

I wish you strength and love,
Karin

Dear Namritha,

I recognize a lot from your story. I used to be in a relationship where i expected my boyfriend to make me happy. I needed him. I needed more attention. I was needy, just like you say. It wasn’t a healthy relationship and when it ended i knew I had to change something.

It took me 4 years, but i learned to take responsibility for my own happiness. I read about mindfulness, i read inspiring articles on the internet and slowly understood that i cannot demand happiness from anyone. I cannot expect to get all his attention when i want it. I cannot expect him to fix me or rescue me from my past. And whatever he would do, I couldn’t believe he loved me, because I could not imagine anyone could really love me… I had to love myself first.
In my opinion a healthy relationship is not about needing someone else, it’s about sharing love and happiness.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t fight to keep this relationship, but I would like to advise you to work on loving yourself. On being enough for yourself. You have everything in you that you need, including lots of love and understanding. Explore, dig deep, you will find it. (Much like Carlamholden says, she only says it in a nicer way 😉 )

I wish you lots of strength and love,
Karin

Hi Nicola,

Wow, it sounds like you’ve come so far! Good that you’ve moved on and worked on being happy.

You can always try to remain friends with your ex, i don’t think that will stop you from moving forward if you guard your boundaries. But if you believe that staying in contact will not be good for you then tell him that. You can do so with love, but keep it close to you. Tell him how it makes you feel, don’t attack him or blame him, just say what you need. I’m sure he will understand if you talk from your heart.

I wish you lots of love and strength,
Karin