Forum Replies Created
February 17, 2015 at 5:43 am #72881
Sounds like a difficult situation to be in. I’d say: talk to him, but that seems not to be working.
There is another thing to try: relax. Work on your own happiness.
And another thing: try not to watch tv together, but take a walk outside, or have a nice dinner together, take a ride…
I do hope that you guys can work it out 🙂February 17, 2015 at 5:25 am #72877
Dear Brian Cyr,
Sounds like you’re a really good friend 🙂
My sister is also going through a break up and all around her are trying to make her feel better. No one wants to see someone they love in pain. But there is pain. And my sister and your friend will have to go through that. And we have to let them. If your friend wants to cry, let her cry. If she wants to talk about it, let her talk.
I do try to gently remind her that this also will pass. And in the mean time i just show up at my sisters house with chocolate and i let her talk about it when she wants to.
Good luck!February 14, 2014 at 1:10 am #50983
I don’t think you have to feel guilty about not picking up a midnight phone call from your ex, rather I think it’s good for you that you didn’t. You were respectful of your own boundaries.
Maybe you can tell her what you told us. Speak from your heart, tell her how this makes you feel, what it does to you. Ask her for what you’d like to have from her – what is that? Peace? Respect? Space?
I don’t really know what to say about people cheating on other people… I don’t really understand that either. What I do know is that you are strong enough to move on. Take care of yourself, give yourself what you’d like to receive from another.
There is nothing wrong with being single, I’ve enjoyed it for a long time, but don’t close your heart for others. Stay open, with respect for your own boundaries of course.
Good luck Anyone 🙂February 14, 2014 at 1:00 am #50982
You have everything you need to succeed right there within you!
Good luck 🙂February 4, 2014 at 1:31 am #50262
You’ve shown such strength already and of course it hurts. It’s ok to feel pain, you are a human being and when something touches you, you feel life running through you.
What has helped me in the past, and still does now, is to focus on what I do have. Basically it’s an exercise in gratitude. Keep a list of what you’re most grateful for and focus on that, make it a daily habit, I assure you, you will start to love your life even more.
When I tell myself stories, like The Ruminant also pointed out, I try to ask myself what can I gain from this experience? What has it taught me, what would I like to do different if it happens again and what will I need to be able to do that.
Confidence, self-respect, self-love, mildness, the ability to not take every little thing personal – that’s what I needed and that’s what I’ve been working on. Change your focus, it will help.
You said that this is not about you. And you’re right. He didn’t do this to hurt you, he made choices based on what he thought would make him happy. Everyone deserves to be happy.
So what makes you happy? Do you choose happiness?
I wish you lots of wisdom and mildness for yourself,
KarinFebruary 3, 2014 at 5:38 am #50195
I’m so sorry to read about your disappointment with love. Love is such a warm and magical thing, I believe there is love within you always.
When I read your message the word ‘they’ comes up a lot. It made me wonder about what it is that you do and feel and say?
Sometimes it just doesn’t work with someone. I have had a lot of ‘bad’ relationships. I was single for 4 years, and then I realized a couple of things:
– I and I alone am responsible for my life, for my happiness, for my past choices and for the choices I will make in the future.
– If I want to be truly happy with someone else, I first have to be truly happy with myself
– Happiness and love cannot be demanded from another person, they can only be shared
That first one helped me to take control of my life again, to have the power to forgive others and myself, to work on my confidence, to work on loving myself.
I’m in a loving relationship now and I know I still have a lot to learn, but I’m less scared now, I need less assurance from my partner.
Dear Cyd, you have everything you need right there within you. Look for it with mildness, take responsibility for your own reactions and your own choices. You are not a victim of overrated love, you are a student of life of which love is the most beautiful lesson.
KarinJanuary 24, 2014 at 3:33 am #49661
Like Jen said, it’s so good that you are so aware of this. You can even list some of the negative thoughts you have. That’s a really good step. Did you realize that thoughts are only words… not absolute truth? You don’t have to believe them.
Whenever a thought like that comes up you can thank your brain for coming up with it and can ask yourself: is this true? Is this the absolute truth? Is this thought in anyway useful? What happens to me if I believe this? What would happen if I didn’t? What can I think instead?
Like this thought you said you have: ‘remember when this failure occurred?’ It makes me think: You’re still here, living and breathing, this failure didn’t kill you… perhaps it taught you something, perhaps it made you stronger? Some say: there is no failure… only feedback!
If you look back to your life and see only negativity then i’m surprised you’re not in worse shape than you seem to be. Obviously you have some strength within you that makes you want to go on, to be positive, to keep trying. Isn’t that great? Why not focus on that? And those parts of yourself that you like, the real you, I’d say, you can focus on that! Change the story you tell yourself about yourself, you have the power to do that!
A ‘trick’ that has really helped me is gratefulness: what have you got in your life, in yourself, to be grateful for? Let’s say you make a little list everyday with positive things that happened to you, maybe the sun on your face. With positive things you did, like smile to a stranger. With the things that life has given you already. By making a sort of ritual of it, by doing it everyday, it will make it easier to focus on the positive things that are bound to happen everyday, that you yourself do every day. It will make it easier to focus on the good within yourself, that I know is there.
Like Jen said, you made the first step already!
I’m sure you have what it takes to be the Eddie you want to be!
KarinJanuary 24, 2014 at 3:02 am #49660
It’s already really good that you notice that you’re the one being jealous and that it’s not necessarily something the other person is doing. And so brave to write about it here. I guess everyone feels like that from time to time. The trick might just be not to act on it and not to give that feeling too much attention. Just notice it’s there, and try to think the opposite: ‘I’m happy for her’. And maybe give here even more attention. Ask her things, be her friend. What you give, you will get back in return. And by doing this, some beliefs might just start to shift within you.
Everything you need is already there within you. Love, courage, strength, self-respect. Do you believe that?
What is the story you tell yourself about yourself? What do you say to yourself in your head? Are they supportive and nice thoughts? Maybe a good exercise would be to write down some of those thoughts you often have and then make a list right next to it with the opposite thoughts. One thought I used to have and still sometimes have is: I’m not interesting enough. My opposite thought is: I’m worth listening to. Trust me, this will make a difference.
You, and you alone are responsible for your happiness… you can see this as a harsh statement, or you can see it as a liberating one. You have the power to change, to change your thoughts, to change your behavior. You see, if you change your beliefs then eventually your behavior will change, if your behavior changes your environment will change.
Like I said, what you give, you will get back in return… You can try it on the street: walk around with an angry or sad face and that’s all you will get back, smile at people and you will get smiles back.
I know you can do it, dear Kristy!
Karin 🙂November 19, 2013 at 4:34 am #45485
This must be very hard for you. It seems to me everything in your life is against you. Is there nothing in your life that makes you smile? Something small perhaps? Like the sun on your skin, a beautiful leaf on a tree, a smile from a stranger. There is always something.
Everything you need is within you. Find things that inspire you, read books (like the power of now by eckhart tolle), go to places where you may find support (a yoga- or meditation class perhaps).
When you feel a little stronger perhaps you can talk to those close to you and tell them how they make you feel. Talk from your heart. If you only show your tears, but not your thoughts no one will know how to support you.
Your last sentence is a beautiful one: ‘…so that i will inspire people who are miserable…’ The people who seem to ignore you probably all have something they worry about. Perhaps you can support them and maybe that will inspire you to feel better about yourself.
In the mean time you will always have tiny Buddha!
I wish you a lot of strength and love,
KarinNovember 19, 2013 at 1:09 am #45479
Oh dear Rithu,
We had no idea it was like that for you. No idea of your background. And still, I know you are strong enough! I pray you will only marry someone who is good to you, who loves you and whom you love! I hope you will find a way to choose for yourself. Even if that means waiting a while longer before getting married.
I wish you lots of wisdom!November 18, 2013 at 8:27 am #45433
I’m so sorry for the pain this has caused you.
I’m sure that the people who love you, your family and your friends, will understand when you explain to them what has happened. When you confide in them and let yourself be vulnerable you might be surprised at what happens.
Please read the articles on this website and know that you are strong enough to live through this. I have faith in you, because i know you have everything within you that you need to lead the life you are meant to live.
I wish you strength and love,
KarinNovember 18, 2013 at 3:01 am #45430
All kinds of questions pop into my mind when reading your message. Like: how old are you guys? What was the important thing to talk about? But then I realized that the details don’t really matter and what i’d like to say to you is just this: don’t let your happiness depend on someone else. Take responsibility for your own happiness. Like you said: you don’t deserve to be treated this way. And to say it in a more positive way: you deserve better! You are worth much more!
Let it go. Choose to do things that make you happy instead of trying to interpret text messages.
Good luck Jessica!November 14, 2013 at 1:43 am #45296
I recognize a lot from your story. I used to be in a relationship where i expected my boyfriend to make me happy. I needed him. I needed more attention. I was needy, just like you say. It wasn’t a healthy relationship and when it ended i knew I had to change something.
It took me 4 years, but i learned to take responsibility for my own happiness. I read about mindfulness, i read inspiring articles on the internet and slowly understood that i cannot demand happiness from anyone. I cannot expect to get all his attention when i want it. I cannot expect him to fix me or rescue me from my past. And whatever he would do, I couldn’t believe he loved me, because I could not imagine anyone could really love me… I had to love myself first.
In my opinion a healthy relationship is not about needing someone else, it’s about sharing love and happiness.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t fight to keep this relationship, but I would like to advise you to work on loving yourself. On being enough for yourself. You have everything in you that you need, including lots of love and understanding. Explore, dig deep, you will find it. (Much like Carlamholden says, she only says it in a nicer way 😉 )
I wish you lots of strength and love,
KarinNovember 14, 2013 at 1:18 am #45293
Of course you feel lost and I can totally imagine you don’t know how to sort your feelings. But it’s okay to feel sad. Like Matt says, to stomp and scream and cry as needed. Take your time. Write about it, talk about it, cry about it.
I wish you lots of strength and love,
p.s. happy to read about you and your other half finding a home and getting back on your feet 🙂November 11, 2013 at 5:58 am #45112
Wow, it sounds like you’ve come so far! Good that you’ve moved on and worked on being happy.
You can always try to remain friends with your ex, i don’t think that will stop you from moving forward if you guard your boundaries. But if you believe that staying in contact will not be good for you then tell him that. You can do so with love, but keep it close to you. Tell him how it makes you feel, don’t attack him or blame him, just say what you need. I’m sure he will understand if you talk from your heart.
I wish you lots of love and strength,