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How do I help my wife deal with moving away from our adult children.

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  • March 7, 2014 at 5:46 am #52453
    Matt
    Participant

    Our children are 18-27 the last one is moving out in June. We are a blended family and the last son is my wife’s baby. We decided to take a job a year ago in a city 300 miles away. I have been commuting on weekends until the youngest graduates in June. Lots of stuff going on for her. New career choices, moving away from friends and community of 18 years, mid life crisis, children moving away, medical issues with Graves’ disease and Hashimotos she had both and consequences from thyroid burned out with radiation. I.e. Immune deficiency issues and allergic attacks. etc… She has been battling health and emotional hormonal issues for over 5 years.

    I cannot fix it which is my SOP! I am a fixer. I would like to be more compassionate regarding her situation. I raised my son our oldest from 14 years on. I understand the loss and the grieving part . My way of dealing with it was to accept it, then to focus on my being a better parent by letting him find his limitations without me fixing it. She is not sleeping, is irritable and lashes out when I try to comfort her. I am dealing with my issues around feeling blamed for the whole thing. I realize this is a transitional state that will hopefully migrate to a new and wonderful life with my wife of 5.5 years.

    Any insight into how a mother grieves differently than a father and what course I might take to be there for her without being a doormat or a whipping boy would be greatly appreciated.

    March 7, 2014 at 1:40 pm #52483
    belove
    Participant

    Dear Matt,
    That’s a lot going on for your dear wife. Time is probably the best healer here. I’d say to be very patient with her, be understanding that it’s very hard for her to be her best with so much going on. Be her friend – listen to what she has to say without judging, without trying to find a solution, just simply listen and acknowledge. Many times, when we talk about something, we don’t want an answer, we don’t want to be offered a solution, we just want to be heard. Has she tried the herbal melatonin to help with sleep? Does she like music? Buy her a nice cd if she likes music. Cook/Order her favorite food sometimes. Go for walks together. Just some gentle ways to say I am thinking of you my dear and I understand your suffering. Or better yet, tell her that, e.g. If there’s something I can do to make you feel just a tiny bit better, please let me know. Be honest with your offerings as people can usually tell when it’s from the heart. Hugs to you and your dear wife. -Namaste!

    March 7, 2014 at 3:16 pm #52487
    Maggie
    Participant

    I agree with belove. But also, though you are a loving husband, I wonder if your approach to this very hard situation is the best. You say you are a fixer. That tends to be a male role. A woman generally wants support, empathy, and respect, not suggestions about what to do or how to think about a problem. It is, naturally, difficult for you to put yourself in her shoes. You say were able to “be a better parent by letting [your son] find his limitations without fixing them.” That’ sounds good and healthy. I (mother of a grown daughter) had a very hard time seeing my child struggle and always wanted to fix her problems and her, which, of course, I couldn’t. I probably did this too much when she was living at home. When she went to the other coast for college, I had no choice, and it became easier. And she had a lot of support from friends, which was reassuring. It must be hard to be blamed for the move if you both had wanted and agreed to it. But her upcoming move is really weighing her and seems harder for her than for you — she seems overwhelmed by so many difficult things happening at the same time. I can imagine you are resentful despite your wife’s suffering. I hate to say the obvious, but I think you should try going to a counselor, because the situation is extremely hard for you and your wife to deal with on your own. I hope you both can find peace and happiness and your wife, better health.

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