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- This topic has 8 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 10 months ago by Caitlyn.
July 17, 2013 at 9:52 am #38803
I have been in a committed relationship for over 2 years and I couldn’t be any happier. My boyfriend treats me better than I could have ever imagined a boyfriend to be and I am so grateful to have him in my life. However, his family on the other hand is where we have some issues. His parents are wonderful people and so is the rest of the family but they don’t seem to know when to mind their own business. They hate when I “take him away from them” whenever he comes to visit me since he lives in a different state then his family and I. I feel like he should of course see them since they are his family but I am his girlfriend and we have been in a long distance relationship since we started dating. I get such anxiety whenever I go over one of his relative’s house because I feel that they do not genuinely like me. Is it silly that I feel this way? I also get in a jealous or upset type of mood when I find out that he will be with them because I know that they are most likely talking poorly about me or at least I have a fear that they are and I don’t know why I get like this and I wish I could stop.
My boyfriend also has a cousin who he is very close in age with. My boyfriend lived with his cousin for a year due to family reasons and they now go to the same college. I have had multiple issues with his cousin such as things he has said and done behind my back. I would never let his comments or social media outburst toward me get to me, but one thing happened that I can’t seem to let go of. I now refuse to go to any of my boyfriend’s family functions if his cousin is going to be there because I don’t want to even be in the same vicinity as him. I feel like this is wrong of me because I am not letting go of something that is in the past or something that I shouldn’t be dwelling on but I just can’t seem to let it go. My boyfriend is extremely close to his family and I feel I am disappointing him whenever I tell him I can’t go to a family party or whatever. Is what I am doing right or should I being dealing with the issue in another way? I have been dealing with this for a few months as of now and I could really use some positive advice, thanks!July 17, 2013 at 10:54 am #38805MattParticipant
What does your boyfriend say about the cousin? The wisdom that seems most resonant here is from the bible paraphrasing matthew. First, go to the cousin and try to settle it. If that works, congrats! You’ve gained a family member. If that doesn’t work, ask your boyfriend to speak on your behalf. If that doesn’t work, all you can do is let it go.
Consider that if his family is afraid it will be you or them, it might be causing real stress for them. We all act less skillfully when overly stressed, and so you don’t have to make it about you. They would probably act the same if he wanted to move away for any reason. Seeing that, and being at peace with it, is a major hurdle on the path of letting go. Its not about you, it is OK and rational to let it remain about them! 🙂
Is there a plan for long term togetherness? Are you moving closer to be with him or is he moving closer to be with you? Is it unsettled? The answer to that question kind of determines how to approach the attempt to heal the intimacy with his family.
MattJuly 17, 2013 at 11:19 am #38807
My boyfriend and his cousin are extremely close, so when his cousin will do something hurtful towards him and I, it is hard for him to stand up for our relationship or for me because he is afraid of causing more issues (my boyfriend also just doesn’t like confrontation in general, I on the other hand am the complete opposite). He is a Libra and I am an Aries and that kind of speaks for itself lol.
As of now, the two of us are both in school so we won’t be moving closer to one another anytime soon, just continue to visit each other as much as we can. We are very serious about each other and we see a long future ahead of us and his family knows that as well. I just want to be able to enjoy the time I spend with his family instead of having this weight on my shoulders every time I spend time with them and I want to learn how to handle the situation with his cousin in a more positive light.
Caitlyn 🙂July 17, 2013 at 12:30 pm #38811AudreyParticipant
it’s none of our business what others think of us. We only need to know
What we think of US, thats all that matters. Anything else iscattempts at mindreading, which always seems to be negative. Keep to ur goal, stay
Happy and committed for ur future together. You’re creating a story book that’s unpleasant. No one else is doing it only you. No one can make us miserable or reject us, we do that to ourselves by self talk. Try not to make mountains outta mole hills. Reduce the size and look for soluttions rather than the cul de sac of ‘problems’.
Best for future
AudetteJuly 17, 2013 at 1:37 pm #38813
Thank you for the wonderful advice. I am definitely going to start listening to myself and block out the noise around and not let any unpleasant thoughts get to me. Thank you for the help, it means a lot!
Caitlyn 🙂July 17, 2013 at 3:44 pm #38827MattParticipant
As an Aries, perhaps it is quite a challenge to do nothing! 🙂 Audette’s words resonate well with the internal stuff, but then again you also want to hang out peacefully with them. Perhaps the mars-warrior-leader inside you would do well to “fight them with kindness”. If you can see their lack of acceptance, and accept it, then their barbs won’t hurt. “I accept you and your lack of acceptance, its your thing, not mine.” My understanding of aries’ patterns are limited, but proactive is an understatement. 🙂
Buddha took this same approach with a man who approached him with anger. The Buddha smiled and explained that the mans anger was his, it did not belong to the Buddha, and so why would there be anything but a smile?
MattJuly 17, 2013 at 5:28 pm #38829
This was very insightful, thank you for taking the time to respond and help me. I really took to heart how Buddha reacted to the man and that is such a simply and intelligent way to go about it. I know that the right and better thing to do would to not have his cousin effect me because he himself is just upset with how certain things in his life are that he feels the need to project his anger onto my relationship. Like Buddha said, the anger does not belong to the buddha but to the man so why be personally upset. Such a great way to think about things!
Caitlyn 🙂July 18, 2013 at 12:19 am #38839AudreyParticipant
We can hang out peacefully with anyone when we have love for ourselves. When we allow negative thoughts to flow thru us, without believing them ( unless we want to) or without taking action based on them, unless we want to. We’re not our thoughts, we decide what’s best thru love xx
AudetteJuly 18, 2013 at 1:26 pm #38857
Thank you for your kind words!