I would say, go both to AA or Alanon. Then go to couples counseling, she will forgive you or she won’t you can’t keep it a secret, it is a cancer to your soul. Forgive yourself, tell her and let the cards fall where they may. I truly hope it works out for you xo

Yonson,

I’m sorry for all of the guilt and shame you’re feeling. It is a difficult thing to overcome, which is why making reparations is so critical to the healing process. The question seems to be “is my past so dark and twisted that I am now unlovable?” The answer of course is no, you are lovable. You don’t have to take it on faith, though, you really only have to see it.

All of us are born ignorant. We rely on our teachers and parents to show us how to live happy, healthy lives. When you fell into addiction, it was either because your body is just one which becomes addicted to drugs or because you were compensating for some other lack in your life. The lacks might have been self-esteem, creativity, humility, human connection… some void that was getting filled. The consequence of drug addiction is it leads to really mindless behavior.

That mindless behavior can take on all sorts of betrayal, deception, and violence. When the pain of those actions becomes strong enough, we say “enough is enough, I want out” and we figure out a way out. You’ve done it! 6 months is awesome.

So why the guilt? As you begin to regain your strength, you see the difference and it strikes you. You love your wife and have so much appreciation for her help, that when a memory resurfaces the difference between then and now zaps you. Mind races, thoughts start churning and you begin to “beat yourself up to defend her honor.” This is normal, and think of this: if you weren’t a loving heart, a hero, you wouldn’t care. The guilt means you are a great person who did bad things. It happens to all of us. I have fallen on the path of my own so many times I can’t even count them. Most of us have.

It is really up to you, how to honor your wife. You could beat yourself up as much as you want. Instead, you could also honor her by helping her with her needs and wants. Don’t fret over the past, simply use it to strengthen your dedication to be steadfast in never doing that again. When thoughts come up, memories, dig deep and accept that you did do those things, but never again. Its enough. You learned.

Rub her shoulders, tell her thank you, cook her a meal. Accept that you’re doing it to overcome the guilt AND honor her struggles and dedication. After a few weeks and months of service, the guilt won’t be there and your dedication will be all that remains. From there, the confused drunk who did dumb things will be just a memory of someone who is gone, left to rest where he belongs… past.

With warmth,
Matt

• This reply was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by Matt.

Daniel,
My advise comes with a desire to be helpful. As a nurse, one aspect I would like to ask you to consider is that during your extra marital sexual activities (not a judgmental term, just trying to say it in a socially acceptable way), you may have been exposed to a communicable disease. My suggestion would be to go to a doctor and ask for STD & HIV, Hepatitis testing. Hopefully you will be clean, but in the event that you have contracted something, you then need to face the fact that you might have put your wife’s health at risk as well as your own. If something is diagnosed, you need to search your soul about doing the right thing by telling your wife so she can get treatment. Withholding that information could make her ill.
If all is well and both of you are health! Congrats! But I wonder if sharing your burden with her and telling the truth, might lift 1,000 lbs from your shoulders. I know it is risky because you don’t know if she will forgive. That is the risk you take. But you took the risk when you chose the behavior.
If she is able to forgive – just think how much richer your relationship will be. Sharing what deeper reasons made you reach out to others in this way will only ensure that you try not to ever repeat the pattern. I can’t of course promise a good outcome! What do I know of the result! I just think it would incredibly hard to keep that secret forever. When and if the time is right – you might trust that your wife will have the capacity to forgive. You might have to work really hard on making that happen. She will go through many scary emotions, normal to feeling betrayed. But if you really love her, and are sorry for your actions, you can make it right.
I wish you luck and happiness in any choice you make.
Pat