Dear Chelsea:

I am glad you made the resolution you made and that your life experience improved. This is my input regarding your grandmother’s input into your life, your life experience. I will be very straightforward, direct and say it like I see it. I would like it if you responded with your thoughts after you read my post:

To move on with your life, to continue to work on improving your life, to make your life a better and better life than what it has been, you have to not live with your grandmother. If you are living with her, you will need to move out. Once you are living away from her, you will need to either limit the contact with her to as little as needed and if in the most limited contact she is still damaging you, eliminate it all together, at least for a long while.

She is a block in your moving forward, and if you don’t remove this block kindly, respectfully, but remove it- you will not proceed forward.

anita

Dear Chelsea:

You wrote: ” My entire life I’ve always put others before me and in most cases, I’ve let others make decisions for me and that’s never worked out for me or those around me.”

Why keep doing what has never worked out for you.. or for those around you?

Because you are afraid to operate differently.

If fear wins then indeed “the only story I have to tell is my past” If courage wins, the born-to-be-free human spirit (independent of culture) wins, then your story will be your present and your future.

It is possible for you to manage the fear, this powerful emotion. I have and I had a whole lot of it. Still do. But I am winning, and so I wish the same for you.

Please do post again.

anita

Dear Chelsea:

Your brother made the right choice for himself. I wish you joined him in his decision. Maybe he can help you with what he successfully achieved himself, keeping little contact, and living his own life. You need support to operate in a different way, in a way that will be good for you. So maybe he can be that support.

Right here on this website, I can be your support. This is your life to live, it is a tragedy to waste it. Don’t wait for those who placed you in your prison cell to set you free… once they approve of you worthy to be free. Don’t wait anymore. Set yourself free, leave and live your life.

Post anytime.
anita

Dear Chelsea:

It is a huge step for you to take, definitely. And it is scary. Planning will help. Plan how to do it so to maximize your chances of success. Make a written plan, here or elsewhere. There should be two elements to your plan: the practical what-to-do plan and the Emotional Plan: how to deal with the fear as you proceed to embark on the greatest thing you ever attempted. How to deal with the fear. I suggested your brother because part of the Emotional Plan is getting emotional support from people. Another part of the Emotional Plan would be to learn skills to calm yourself when anxious so you don’t react automatically and run away (what we do when afraid) which in your case would mean, run back to your grandmother.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Chelsea:

Glad you are back to your thread. Congratulations for moving out of your grandmother’s! I am so pleased to read this because I believe it is the right move for your well being. I understand why you feel proud of yourself for making and following through a decision that was difficult for you to make!

Also, congratulations for focusing on getting a routine of studying, exercising and eating healthy and in so doing, preparing for your studies a few weeks away.

As I understand it, you are receiving emotional support from your father (good!) but have no supportive friends at the moment? If so, maybe you will meet potentially supportive friends in the coming school year.

As to your question, I need to understand better:

You wrote: “I have these moments though where I feel empty on the inside”- what does the emptiness feel like? what are your thoughts during those moments?

You wrote: “there’s this inner conflict where I know that I’m not being my authentic self, I’m not giving it my all. It’s like I’ve created these boundaries for myself unintentionally.”- can you be more specific about the nature of the conflict? A conflict is something like: on one hand there is X and on the other there is Y. X and Y don’t fit well, or contradict. What is the X and the Y?

You wrote: “I want to work on, regaining that authenticity and removing those boundaries”- when is the last time you had the authenticity that you lost? What was that authenticity like and when/ how did you lose it?

And last, what are “those boundaries” you mentioned?

anita

Dear Chelsea:

I will read each paragraph of your last post and respond to each before going to the next:

First: There is not a person in the world who is motivated all the time, all day long, every day. Don’t be alarmed then when you feel emptiness, lack of motivation, even hopeless and despair. Accept these feelings and expect them. Feelings are like the weather, they keep changing- for everyone. I wish it was possible to always feel joy and motivation and otherwise just calm. I wish to never feel emptiness and despair but I will and so will you. Every such feeling will pass, as no feeling lasts.

Second:Ffear is one of those feelings we have to accept and expect. It is the most powerful and it does limit us. Every one of us, humans, has to find a way to live with fear. I wish there was a way to eliminate it and be forever free of it. Not possible. Don’t be alarmed when you feel fear; accept and expect it. Don’t be hard on yourself for not living up to your full potential- who does?

Be very gentle and patient with yourself- that works best with fear. Gentleness and patience with yourself- instead of beating yourself up- will work best to stretch those boundaries to the maximum possible, one day at a time.

Third: You were authentic as a young child. As young children, we don’t know that we are unsafe. So we act as if we are not afraid. But this is not all authenticity is about. All your feelings presently are your own feelings, none of them is a foreign interruption of your authentic self. You are no longer the carefree child (maybe for a short period of time here and there), but you are still authentic if you accept all your feelings, understand their valid messages and act for your own benefit. Making choices for your well being, regardless of how you feel, is being authentic.

Hope you post again, anytime.
anita

Dear Chelsea:

Welcome back!

You wrote in your last post: “now it feels like I’m running towards new beginnings, new experiences.”- it fits with what you wrote August 14, 2016: “the last time I had that authenticity was when I was a kid and that probably sounds strange, but I remember being so passionate about life. I had this enthusiasm to try new things, to lead, to interact effortlessly.”

The fact that you cut off communications with your father and grandmother to the extent that you have,  and that you opened up to supportive friends is very healthy for you. It is the right thing for your mental well being. This is running toward living authentically, passionately.

Continue to choose the people you interact with: choose the people that support your authentic self, people who promote your passion for life, your running toward life, and un-choose people who promote your stagnation, confusion, distress and stagnation.

We, people, do need the support of others, and because of this fact, we need to choose people who do support us.

Keep running toward life, manage your fear, rest when you need to, and post again, anytime.

anita