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How do I put the dreadful past behind me?

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 9 months, 1 week ago.

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #124834

    Lisa
    Participant

    Hi everyone,
    I”ll try to keep this short. My Indian boyfriend and I dated for 2 years and wanted to get married. His parents weren’t for our union but my boyfriend fought with them and stood up for us, and got them to reluctantly agree to allow us to get married. I had a test and needed to study for 6 months and didn’t want to make any definitive wedding plans till afterwards. I thought things between my boyfriend and I were going fine. However, after my test, when I wanted to start making the wedding plans, he told me that his parents have changed their mind and now are no longer supportive of our union. He said that I should give him time to convince them. But he was being weird, distant and just not the same. I gave him a good 5 months and finally got fed up and broke up with him. After being broken up for 4 months, he came back to me, begging me to take him back, and said his parents are now supportive. I didn’t believe him and asked him what has changed. Then he told me that there was another girl, an Indian girl, that he was being forced to marry, that ended up being a disaster, so they were sorry and supportive of our union now. Apparantly, his parents had been urging him to talk to other girls while I was studying for my test, and after my test was over, they gave him an ultimatum, pick one of the 3 indian girls we have chosen or we will disown you. He picked one, and they proceeded to do an engagement ceremony with her, take engagement photos, all while we were still dating and he was “fighting for us.” They wanted to rush him into this to prevent him from marrying me. I asked him why he went through with it, and he said it was to get his parents off his back and he was compartmentalizing. I asked him why he didn’t break up with me, and he said it was because he wanted to be with me and was desperately trying to convince his parents that this girl sucked and I was the right one. After we broke up, he spent more time with her and they made out, but never slept together since parental supervision was pretty tight. He said that he tried to give his heart away cause he thought he lost me, but couldn’t do it, still loved me, and fought to break off the engagement and is now back with complete transparency and asking for a second chance. We are now engaged and have been planning a wedding. I forgave him, cause I know the cultural piece is an important one. But the nagging “how could he” and the mental pictures of him with her still haunt me. How do I put it behind me so I can be truly happy. What he did was major deceit and was a major injustice to me. Even if he had good intentions, it doesn’t make it right. He has apologized profusely and his actions have shown me how sorry he really is. I could use any help or advice you can offer. I love him dearly, but I can’t help it when my mind wanders and I remember what happened. I want to erase that 1 year period desperately!

    #124840

    anita
    Participant

    Dear arianas2017:

    Are his parents okay now with you and him getting married?

    If they are or if he is solid with his intent to marry you regardless of his parents’ input, that is, if he is so solid about the marriage with you, that his parents backed down and gave up on their efforts to arranged a marriage for him with a local woman, then he is a very exceptional man.

    If this is the case, then his past transgressions, as far as I see, are forgivable and his overall behavior and ethics are admirable. I never read yet a story where an Indian man does stand up to his parents until they back down and he marries the woman he wishes to marry. Again, and again, the man gives in and back down. The parental pressure, supported by societal pressure, to obey parents (no matter how unreasonable they are) is incredible.

    If I was you, I would make sure the parents backed down- maybe talk to them, to make sure, but even then…- make sure he is solid. Do not underestimate the pressure and consider it may not be over. Make sure, and then, if he is solid then he is a very exceptional young man, one in a million or so.

    anita

    #124883

    Lisa
    Participant

    Thank you Anita!
    Yes, they are ok with us getting married now. They are being supportive and have definitely changed.
    But how do I stop picturing him with her? Especially since some of that stuff happened while WE were still together. For example, he took engagement photos with her (that he claims were just poses for the camera) where he kissed her on the forehead. How could he do that and then come to my place and act all normal, make out with me, etc.
    I agree that he is an exceptional young man, and this is now my issues cause I chose to take him back and forgive him. But any strategies or suggestions you have would be much appreciated!

    #124884

    Lisa
    Participant

    Thank you Anita!
    Yes, they are ok with us getting married now. They are being supportive and have definitely changed.
    But how do I stop picturing him with her? Especially since some of that stuff happened while WE were still together. For example, he took engagement photos with her (that he claims were just poses for the camera) where he kissed her on the forehead. How could he do that and then come to my place and act all normal, make out with me, etc.
    I agree that he is an exceptional young man, and this is now my issues cause I chose to take him back and forgive him. But any strategies or suggestions you have would be much appreciated!

    #124891

    anita
    Participant

    Dear arianas2017:

    His strategy when he faked that engagement thing was to compartmentalize- that is what he told you he did. At the time he was very distressed, threatened to be disowned. So he played along with the engagement thing, placed that engagement occasion in a compartment, then exited that compartment, closed the door on it and attended to you, the woman he loves.

    In a similar way, whenever you find yourself troubled by this issue, exist the compartment-of-your-distress, close the door on it, and attend to the man you love.

    anita

    #124913

    greenshade
    Participant

    Arianas2017 Hi ! Im sorry you’re going through this, the one thing I can share is a random fact about indian culture; since the pictures specifically are bothering you. Indian photographers direct the pictures of the couples they are photographing; people who may not be emotionally close at all are photographed with their heads on each others shoulders, hugging or demonstrating affection. So the pictures are not necessarily demonstrative of a bond. The forehead kiss may not be an impulse, but just following the photographers direction. I hope you and your partner are able to move through this and come back to a place of trust
    m

    #124968

    Lisa
    Participant

    Thank you Anita and Greenshade. Your comments have been so uplifting and helpful. I will take your advice to heart. God bless.

    #124970

    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, arianas2017, hope your present and future is one of love and peace of mind.
    anita

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