Dear Maria,

The emotional pain will be very real, but it will lessen with time.  Special events, birthdays and holidays will come and go, and one at a time, you will get through them.  It does get easier.  When it gets challenging, breathe deeply and slowly, and focus on how your life feels now that you are free of your mother’s emotional abuse: no more yelling, no more guilting, and no more of her self-centeredness.  Start a journal now, and begin with an entry on why you are doing this for yourself, your thoughts and feelings, and why you can’t tolerate this relationship any longer.  Once some time passes and you are discovering a “new normal” without your mother, you may need a reminder of why you made this decision.

Your life is about you, not her.  Her problems are bigger than you, and likely need to be dealt with by a therapist.  By what you say, I’m seeing traits of Narcissism and/or Borderline Personality Disorder.  There is a lot of information out there on what happens to children of parents suffering from these illnesses, especially daughters.  An excellent book, “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and “The Borderline Daughter” would be a good for you to read.  They literally changed my life.  I had suffered in silence for so long, and it was like it was written about my mother.  All of the dots suddenly connected for me.  I had no idea that there was a name for the way my mother was behaving and treating me, or that other people were dealing with this too.  I learned how her mind works, that she will likely never change, that trying was futile, and I had to protect myself before she took me down with her.  It was the spark I needed.

It has been 2 years since I started eliminating contact with my mother, and yes, the emotional pain does dull with time.  At first, I felt a lot of guilt.  Even though she was causing me great anxiety and even some depression, I still felt a sense of obligation to her.  I still felt like I needed to keep trying.  A therapist can help you through this, and it’s actually very enlightening.  Sometimes we don’t realize how far off track we are and how high our tolerance for bad behavior is until a professional points it out for us.  Even a few sessions help a lot.  After moving, changing my phone number and email addresses, removing all people from my social media accounts that were connected to her, and safeguarding my online privacy, I created some peace for myself.  The privacy you create for yourself in your new location will give you time and space to heal and move forward.

Two years into this, it is still a bit emotional.  Certain things trigger a wave of emotions.  I do wonder how she is doing.  I give myself space to think about that for a moment, and then I remind myself that I chose me and my own well-being over someone who didn’t care about either.

It is difficult when friends and family don’t understand.  Maybe they have loving, supportive parents, and do not understand how a mother could be so toxic, or that it is so much more than a family feud.  People who have to sever contact are driven to it out of desperation for their own self-preservation.  Not everyone understands the trauma and depth of that.

I agree with “anita” who also responded to your post.  Please, post a message on this thread whenever you want, and I will respond too.  You are not alone.  You have realized that what you are enduring is emotional abuse, and you are refusing to allow it any more, and that is very mature of you.  You are drawing the line and putting yourself first, and there is no selfishness in that.  A day will come when you realize your own strength, and you will realize just how much strength it took to walk away.

I wish you good luck.