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How do I Stop letting this bother me!

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  • #404841
    SantaFe
    Participant

    Idk how to explain this without sounding extremely stupid. In short, I’m bothered by someone I’m close to (A) being friends with someone I hate (B).

    I feel like throwing a tantrum and cutting off this relationship as well. Like, “oh you value them more? Go have that relationship then. Bye.”

    This is not the right thing though. I must forgive, forget, or at least let go! Ugh. It keeps bothering me though. I feel like I have this toxic urge to make A feel guilty for their actions and also make them realise and accept why they were wrong. Both very immature feelings.

    But I feel them. how to not let this BS affect me ?

     

     

    #404842
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SantaFe:

    You don’t sound stupid at all. You sound smart to me: you feel like doing something, you pause, you ask yourself: is this right to do?, and you ask this before you say or do anything to A or to B:  that’s smart.

    You are not wrong to feel what you do, to emotionally react to the situation the way you do- we don’t choose our emotional reactions. Choice apply only to how we react with our words and actions.

    I feel like throwing a tantrum and cutting off this relationship as well. Like, “oh you value them more? Go have that relationship then. Bye”-  Reads to me like an old wound has reopened in this situation: someone long ago valued others more than he/ she valued you?

    (I will be back to the computer in a few hours).

    anita

    #404848
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi SantaFe

    I think it’s reasonable to be concerned about your friend developing a relationship with someone that you hate.

    Have you spoken to the friend that you are close to about how you are feeling yet (without demanding anything)?

    #404854
    SantaFe
    Participant

    “I feel like throwing a tantrum and cutting off this relationship as well. Like, “oh you value them more? Go have that relationship then. Bye”-  Reads to me like an old wound has reopened in this situation: someone long ago valued others more than he/ she valued you?

    Not very proud of it, but its been this way with my friends, exes, and my parents (I like to joke that I’m the spare child). But I’ve accepted and been ok with it for a long time now, with loads of therapy, self reflection and distance. I’ve been insecure, and I still can be every now and then. But now I’m older and wiser to not end relationships and friendships over it. A is literally family.

    Have you spoken to the friend that you are close to about how you are feeling yet (without demanding anything)?

    I did. They said that they want to maintain a cordial relationship with the person B considering they are relatives too, despite how disrespectful B has been to a lot of us. A is struggling with their own insecurities and the toxic need for approval, showing off and other things our present culture considers normal. (I like to think I can see that with years of experience in therapy. I’ve been the weird one in the family who went to therapy, everyone else is normal.)

    Somehow this brought me back to my old unmanaged self, it often so happens when I’m back home. But this time it was just over texts, but still. On one hand I’m thinking I might find enlightenment in this life, on the other I can’t even get rid of emotions like this.

     

    #404858
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SantaFe:

    I will reply to you in either a few hours from now, or tomorrow morning, which is in about 11 hours from now.

    anita

    #404876
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SantaFe:

    I read your most recent post and the few you posted since February 2017. You shared or suggested that your parents valued your siblings more than they valued you, and as a result, you felt like “the spare child“, very hurt and angry, believing that you are inadequate, incapable and stupid, inferior and hateworthy:

    I’ve had this extremely negative view of myself, that I don’t deserve (an interview). I am extremely bad at putting my thoughts into words, I’ll fumble, I’ll fall short of words, I’ll take huge pauses, stupid words will come out of my mouth, and there’s no delete button on those“,

    It is an elite school, and I’m such an average student, average person, everyone who studies there has a stellar background, exudes confidence, and then there’s me.. still a loser… talentless, nervous, and an idiot. Don’t know  what I’ll amount to ever in my life. Can’t stop hating myself” (Feb 2017, age 27)

    I am still a loser… Idk how to explain this without sounding extremely stupid… I feel like throwing a tantrum and cutting off this relationship as well. Like, ‘oh you value them more? Go have that relationship then. Bye… Somehow this brought me back to my old unmanaged self, it often so happens when I’m back home” (July 31, 2022, age 32).

    My thoughts and quotes: no wonder you are back to your old-unmanaged self when you are back  to your home: it is your home (your parents) that created the unmanaged self. It is the old home that placed you in the “spare child” lifetime mental slot: the “extremely bad at..”, who takes “Huge pauses”, “a loser… an idiot… extremely stupid”, indeed an “extremely negative view” of yourself.

    I feel like I have this toxic urge to make A feel guilty for their actions and also make them realise and accept why they were wrong” – you wrote this at 32 about a friend, but isn’t this what you feel in regard to your parents when you are back home: to make them feel guilty for their actions, to make them realize and accept that they wronged you, and in what ways they wronged you?

    I mean, it is very difficult to watch your parents being ignorant about how terribly they hurt you, isn’t it?

    anita

    #404877
    SantaFe
    Participant

    Not friend but a sibling! I’ve confronted my parents several times about this. Their repetitive response is that its me who thinking negatively,  they’ve been the same with everyone!

    The older post from 2017 is so refreshing to read though. It seemed so impossible then. But I did make it through! And Ive started distancing myself, emotionally and mentally! Somehow coming back home just makes all my wisdom (if I can call it that) go away

    #404879
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SantaFe:

    Correction: A is a sibling, not a friend. “I’ve confronted my parents several times about this. Their repetitive response is that it’s me who (is) thinking negatively” – they are wrong. When you were a young child, you accurately perceived how your parents treated you and how they treated others. A young child does not have previous experience to distort their understanding of what is really happening.

    This reminds me of my mother who attacked my thinking big time, and repeatedly, her message was that I was thinking wrong, that I didn’t understand, that I didn’t make sense… it was mental torture to grow up with these messages, especially it being that the one dishing out these messages was a disturbed person who didn’t make sense.

    You mentioned yesterday having had “loads of therapy, self-reflection and distance…  now I’m older and wiser“, and 15 minutes ago, you wrote: “Somehow coming back home just makes all my wisdom.. go away“-

    – I crossed continents and oceans so to get as far away from my mother as possible, and away from her I made a lot of progress, but every time I visited her, all the progress evaporated. Then away from her again, I made progress again, starting from scratch..  and next visit- it was all gone. After years of this dynamic, there was no more progress… until after I ended ALL contact with her.

    anita

     

    #404881
    SantaFe
    Participant

    I crossed continents and oceans so to get as far away from my mother as possible, and away from her I made a lot of progress, but every time I visited her, all the progress evaporated. Then away from her again, I made progress again, starting from scratch.. and next visit- it was all gone. After years of this dynamic, there was no more progress… until after I ended ALL contact with her.

     

    I crossed oceans but then cane back! COVID was one hell of a time! But then I’ve got a place that’s not very close or far from my parents’! And I want to forgive them, they don’t think they are doing something wrong while they do it.  I really want to forgive them and grow as a person.  These petty tantrums that I felt like throwing today just made me feel worse.

    Thanks for this great website and awesome blogs that have kept me going and will keep teaching me 🙂

    #404883
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SantaFe:

    Oh, I am not the owner of the website. I am a member, just like you (only I am very active here daily, for longer than 7 years). You are welcome in regard to my part of your experience here.

    They don’t think they are doing something wrong while they do it” – when they keep doing wrong to you.. they are still doing wrong whether they think so or not.

    These petty tantrums that I felt like throwing today just made me feel worse“- if I was a mother and my child was throwing a tantrum, before I tell the child that her behavior is unacceptable, I would tell the child that I understand that she is angry, and that I understand why she is angry, validating her feelings in this way. And then I’d show her a way to express her anger that is different from throwing a tantrum, so that she has an alternative option to tantrums.

    Treat yourself similarly: validate your own feelings, they are justified, and then find an effective way to express.. and resolve your anger, a new way.

    anita

    #404909
    SantaFe
    Participant

    Thanks Anita! *hugs*

    #404910
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, SantaFe. Hugs back to you!

    anita

    #405153
    Zoe
    Participant

    Dear SantaFe, Our triggers are always lurking, and once we react and the emotions get involved, we then know a trigger has been triggered, so don’t beat yourself up over these reactions, as they will always be there. It is just a matter of being aware that you have been triggered, and the responding in a calm manner, or if you can’t do that, just walk away. The most important thing to NOT do, is get angry with yourself, which most of us seem to do when the dust has settled and we start over thinking. Again, all perfectly normal. From what I have read, you are certainly aware of why you feel like you feel, and you are keeping calm under the pressure, but you are blaming yourself for not doing better……..and who says you haven’t done better?….YOU, which means you are being too hard on yourself. It takes a huge amount of strength to keep quiet when triggered, so well done you.  I find when this happens to me, I too still react just like you have, but when I’m calm and settle down the mind from over thinking I can see that it’s just another trigger being triggered by someone who isn’t aware of THEIR learned behaviours. Because that is all it is in most cases…..learned behaviours from their past. You are the one trying to break the cycle, so you are the strongest one and well on your way to a new life. WE all get annoyed when we think we have slipped backwards, it’s just normal. The most important thing to remember is that you are AWARE of what has happened, so you are able to then turn it around, and get back to your happy place and move on. Many in life will never understand learned behaviour, so they continue on in life doing what they were taught, and in some cases, no amount of talking and explaining will change their programming, which means we eventually need to walk our own path and let them be. I had to do this painful thins 12 years ago. I had to walk away from my toxic family and their programmed beliefs. I use to try to contact them to see if things were changing, but as I was the only one that changed, I had to eventually walk for good to heal and get peace. I hope  something I have said makes sense and is of help. Just keep on being you, being aware and healing. x

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