Dear Rammi:

On October 20, 2020, you shared about this guy in your thread He told me he loved me and took it back. In this post I will retell what you shared in that thread and in this one because it helps me process information when I do that. I noticed that the theme of my reply in your previous thread was (his) words vs actions, and how easy it to say words. As I did some of the retelling below, I realize that having been so focused on that theme, that I missed parts of the bigger picture in regard to this relationship.

You met him on bumble in March 2020, “instantly clicked and exchanged numbers”=> “started talking on the phone and FaceTiming everyday”=> “On our first date, It was fireworks and our chemistry was amazing…. I ended up spending the night with him”=> “The next day he asked me out again and it kind of became a thing where I started spending every weekend at his place. We made it official as bf gf“.

You wrote back on Oct 20, 2020: “Now the issues, he’s 28, I’m 34. Before even starting to talk we talked about this and age didn’t matter to either of us, he always thought I looked much younger than I am anyways. We spoke about what we want from this and I let him know that I’m looking for something serious and I would like to settle down. I also made it clear that I’m not looking to date for years and years. He said he’s not the same page“. And yet, as you continued to date, the two of you talked about marriage and kids, “we weren’t going to get married for at least a year… we discussed all these things. Along with kids, income”, etc., and at one point, “he told me he would never leave me, even if his parents had an issue with my age“.

On one hand, he was not on the same page as you, on the other hand, the two of you talked about marriage, and so, you continued to date, “practically living together 3-4 days a week in the last 3.5 months“.  You understood that he was not ready to meet your parents (a huge step toward marriage in Indian culture), so you asked him to meet your brother instead. He refused. You argued about it, didn’t communicate for a week and then he messaged you saying that he was miserable without you. You met him, he said he was sorry, that time away from you made him realize that he loves you, that he will be telling his parents about you and that he wants to marry you.

In September 2020 you asked him if he told his parents yet, and he said that he didn’t and that he will that week. But he didn’t. After another argument regarding him not telling his parents, he told you that “he thinks things are not going to workout… (that) he doesn’t love me and he doesn’t know if he wants to spend his life with me…  and  (that) he said he said those things to make me happy and he felt pressured.  I never pressured him to tell me he loves me and wants to marry me. After our conversation he said let’s take some space and I declined and wanted to just break it off. He agreed”.

You reached out to him a week later, and then 1.5 months later and he didn’t answer.  On October 21 2020, you wrote: “I have deleted his number from my phone and will not contact him again.  I believe I deserve to be loved and I deserve a lot more than I was being given by him”.

And yet, the two of you got back together in December 2020=> broke up in March 2021=> he reached out to you, saying that “he wants things to be like they were before“. You  “asked him once again to meet my parents as a way of showing me he’s in this for the long run”=> he disappeared=> you blocked him=> December 2021, you texted him and he didn’t respond=>  February 2022 you reached out to him again and he didn’t respond=> April 2022, you FaceTimed him and he answered, you got together, and “It was like we were never apart.  Our chemistry how we were was just like before“.  And yet, he told you that he is “’emotionally unavailable’ and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone at the moment”, but that he “didn’t like the idea of never talking or seeing me again”.

At a night out, while having “one too many drinks and he starts to tell me that no matter what he does he can’t stay away from me. That I’m so good and then tells me he loves me… told me the real issue is my age…. Currently I’m 36 and he’s 30…  the family will never approve… His parents are in India. I said do you have to tell them I’m older say I’m your age. And he said ‘come on now, you don’t look 30, you look mature’…. He told me he can’t guarantee anything.  Then he said he feels pressure to say what I want to hear when he sees me upset and then he regrets it later…  I told him this is the last time he’s seeing me and I don’t want him to ever text and call me.  I left and I blocked him everywhere”.

You closed your July 20, 2022 original post with “I’m heart broken. I’ve been madly in love with him for the last 2.5 yrs.  The mature comment kept replaying in my head over and over… if I was skinny would age matter?…  Is he shallow and embarrassed about what I look like and cares to much about what people will think?…   I just made excuses he was immature.  But now he’s stated a reason”.

My current understanding/ theory: you wrote Oct 2020, “Before even starting to talk we talked about this and age didn’t matter to either of us, he always thought I looked much younger than I am anyways“- When it was just him looking at you, he saw you as a young woman to whom he was intensely attracted.

July 2022, you wrote, “he said ‘come on now, you don’t look 30, you look mature‘”- when he sees you not with his own eyes- but with his parents’ eyes (their thoughts, their perceptions)- you look old.

“(he) told me the real issue is my age…. Currently I’m 36 and he’s 30…  the family will never approve“- I think that he approves of the relationship with you, but his parents (in his mind) do not approve of it. He’s known his parents for a long time, when he lived with them in India and since, and he knows what they approve of and what they do not approve of. I imagine that they are quite judgmental and rigid in their thinking, and that he heard many, many times about what they disapprove of, so he knows that they will not approve of you. Or he knows that they will disapprove of any woman whom they didn’t choose for him.

I think that (1) he’s been conflicted all along and that (2) you cannot extricate a man’s parents from his brain. They became part of him, a part that is in conflict with… him.

“I’m in a very dark place, feeling hideous and ‘mature‘”- from re-reading what you shared and processing it, it is clear to me that when he’s been looking at you with his eyes only, you’ve never been hideous or old, but perhaps the hottest woman he has ever been with.

“Why do I constantly keep going back when I know it won’t end well“- you were very much encouraged by his love and desire for you (when these were not put aside by the mental representatives of his parents “living” in his brain.

“I don’t have the energy or strength to start over again. I feel betrayed but I feel like I did it to myself. I don’t know where to go from here“- before I respond to this, can you tell me what you think about my current understanding?

anita

Dear Rammi:

“It could be possible that he was conflicted that can explain the so much off and on“- he was conflicted, no doubt. It means he did not go about the relationship with you in a cold-hearted, planned evil kind of way. He went about it impulsively, often giving in to passion.

“but it’s so selfish of him not to share his thoughts and keep me in the dark“- and yes, he went about the relationship selfishly. He didn’t keep you in the dark though: he told you right from the beginning, “He said he’s not the same page” as you. (or was it a typo in your writing, did you mean to say that he said that he was on the same page as you?)

“And now to say they wouldn’t approve after 2.5 yrs without even taking to them doesn’t make sense to me”- like I suggested, I think that he knew all along that they will not approve because they shared with him repeatedly, I assume, what they would approve of in regard to a wife, and what they will not approve of.

“He did say his parents will eventually live with him, which I assured him won’t be a problem with me as it’s a norm in our culture”- but you couldn’t assure him that it wouldn’t be a problem with his parents to live with you as his wife. Plus, it would have been very much a problem with you (and with him) if they disapproved of you every day of your lives together.

“If he truly does find me attractive and love me why won’t he be willing to at least try? Or fight for us?”- because he doesn’t want to fight against his parents. He finds you attractive, but in his mind, his parents are very powerful: he wants their approval more than he wants you.

“I just feel he’s a coward who won’t stand by me“- it is very, very common in the Indian culture for a boy to be trained since childhood to be loyal to his parents and to follow their plan to live with him when he gets married.  And because the custom is that parents live with  their son and his wife, parents want to be the ones choosing the wife, so that their lives with the wife is pleasant for them. Quite selfish on the part of the parents, isn’t it?

anita

Dear Rammi:

We are both doubting his honesty, don’t we. I am guessing that sometimes he tells the truth and sometimes he lies. It’s hard to separate truths from lies when putting together everything he ever told you. This is why it’s important to focus on a person non-verbal communication. Clearly he felt very passionate about you for long periods of time, clearly he was conflicted, clearly he was repeatedly dishonest with you and clearly he was selfish.

I am sorry, Rammi. I am guessing that you didn’t want to see all of him, the way he is, the selfish, dishonest parts, right?

anita

Dear Rammi:

As hurt as you are, your thinking is rational and mature. I am impressed, although I am not happy that you are so hurt. You can learn a bit more from what happened with him and rise to a level of wisdom you didn’t have before. I will be away from the computer for an hour or a few hours.

anita

You are welcome, Rammi. I will be back to you in the morning. I hope you have a restful night!

anita