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How do I stop pursuing men that lead me on

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  • #404280
    Rammi
    Participant

    I wrote a post back in October 2020 about the same guy.  We got back together in Dec 2020 then once again broke up over a stupid argument in March 2021 (pattern seems to repeat on his end).  I was a few months after the break up and started moving on.  He came back again and told me he wants things to be like they were before. I asked him once again to meet my parents as a way of showing me he’s in this for the long run because I don’t want to get hurt again.  I was still very much in love with him and thought about him often.  He disappeared again, told me he would call me to talk and never did. I wrote a text to him calling him a coward and always running away.  He texted me saying he would call me tomorrow and never did. I waited a week then blocked him.  In dec I decided to write him a text as my way of closure. It’s the most vulnerable I’ve ever been. He didn’t respond.  I reached out in Feb 2022 again he didn’t respond.  In April I was on vacation and couldn’t get him out of my mind. I FaceTimed him instead of texting and he answered.  We started talking again and met when I got back.  It was like we were never apart.  Our chemistry how we were was just like before.  I asked him what are we trying to do here because I’m not wanting my waste my time again. He told me he’s “emotionally unavailable” and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone at the moment.  I said ok, so then let’s not start this and see eachother again.  He didn’t like the idea of never talking or seeing me again.  We decided to figure things out together.  I started to not give him importance like I always have or play his games where he makes me wait for texts.  The following weekend I asked if he wants to see me and he said “I think I’ll be out” it was a 3 day weekend. So not sure what that meant.  Old me would have questioned where he’s going why he doesn’t want to see me and so on but I didn’t.  I was very upset and sad that he didn’t want to see me but decided to just get over it and do my thing.   He took that as me ignoring him.  I wasn’t.  I just didn’t initiate conversations. He then asked to see me that Monday and after telling him no that  it’s last min, he convinced me.  We met up for dinner on the city and for the 1st time he brought up the conversation about me ignoring him.  I told him I’m just tired of putting in effort and not getting it back. I’m only giving you as much as you give me. We talked and proceeded to have a good night.  We had one too many drinks and he starts to tell me that no matter what he does he can’t stay away from me. That I’m so good and then tells me he loves me (which is hard for him to say).  I asked him if he feels this way about me then why are we constantly breaking up and why does he run away when things get serious. I’m not sure if it was the alcohol but he finally told me the real issue is my age. I’m 6 yrs older than him. We met when I was 34 and he was 28.  Currently I’m 36 and he’s 30. He said he told his sister about me last yr (when we weren’t even talking) and she told him no the family will never approve.  He never told me this or mentioned this to me.  Per my last post in 2020 my age difference was the 1st thing I addressed with him and he assured me it will not be an issue (which sometimes culturally it’s not accepted. We are both Indian). I asked him why he didn’t tell me sooner so I can move on, he had no words.  He kept saying that he loves me and wants a future with me.  I ended the conversation there because we had been drinking and I didn’t want to say anything I’d regret.  Next day we went to dinner and I asked him why does it matter what his parents think if he loves me. His parents are in India. I saixwjy do you have to tell them I’m older say I’m your age. And he said “come on now, you don’t look 30, you look mature”. This comment broke my heart.  Has he always thought this? If he has he’s never expressed it. If this was the case why am I being led on for 2.5 yrs.  I told him I’ve never even thought about what my parents would say,  it’s between us to decide what we want and then tell our parents.  He told me he can’t guarantee anything.  Then he said he feels pressure to say what I wana hear when he sees me upset and then he regrets it later that he didn’t make the right decision.   At this point I stopped reasoning with him.  I was in shock. I never thought the age difference is something that would be the reason. I called him a pussy because he can’t stand up for us. He hasn’t even asked his parents and is saying all this.  I told him this is the last time he’s seeing me and I don’t want him to ever text and call me.  I left and I blocked him everywhere.  I’m heart broken. I’ve been madly in love with him for the last 2.5 yrs.  The mature comment kept replaying in my head over and over. Then my insecurities got the better of me I’m not skinny (what my culture considers beautiful) if I was skinny would age matter? If he hiding behind an excuse of his parents and he always knew he didn’t want to marry me. Is he shallow and embarrassed about what I look like and cares to much about what people will think? This is not what someone in love does. There were def so many signs that something is not right. The constant breaking up over  nothing and randomly ignoring.  I just made excuses he was immature.  But now he’s stated a reason.  Why do I constantly keep going back when I know it won’t end well.  Especially now, he’s wasted my time that I can’t get back and I can’t help but blame myself that I did this to myself.  I’m in a very dark place, feeling hideous and “mature”. I don’t have the energy or strength to start over again. I feel betrayed but I feel like I did it to myself. I don’t know where to go from here.

    #404281
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Rammi

    I’m sorry to hear about your heart break. I believe that you keep going back because you care about him and seek his love.

    Unfortunately, I don’t think he has any to give. You mentioned that he said he felt pressured to say things that would make you happy. To me, this means everything he said while he was drunk is a lie. A convenient excuse. It was something he said to avoid blame. To permanently end any expectations of the relationship progressing any further, while at the same time saving face and pretending like he is a good person because he claimed to love you.

    When I was younger I had similar issues. But I set a rule. No going back. If we break up it’s over. I’m very clear with people about this. It avoids game playing.

    In time, you will heal from this. You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t treat you poorly, who doesn’t hide you. Who doesn’t disrespect you by leading you on. Please let yourself be open to that wonderful future and stick to your guns. Never pursue a relationship with that man again.

    #404296
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rammi:

    On October 20, 2020, you shared about this guy in your thread He told me he loved me and took it back. In this post I will retell what you shared in that thread and in this one because it helps me process information when I do that. I noticed that the theme of my reply in your previous thread was (his) words vs actions, and how easy it to say words. As I did some of the retelling below, I realize that having been so focused on that theme, that I missed parts of the bigger picture in regard to this relationship.

    You met him on bumble in March 2020, “instantly clicked and exchanged numbers”=> “started talking on the phone and FaceTiming everyday”=> “On our first date, It was fireworks and our chemistry was amazing…. I ended up spending the night with him”=> “The next day he asked me out again and it kind of became a thing where I started spending every weekend at his place. We made it official as bf gf“.

    You wrote back on Oct 20, 2020: “Now the issues, he’s 28, I’m 34. Before even starting to talk we talked about this and age didn’t matter to either of us, he always thought I looked much younger than I am anyways. We spoke about what we want from this and I let him know that I’m looking for something serious and I would like to settle down. I also made it clear that I’m not looking to date for years and years. He said he’s not the same page“. And yet, as you continued to date, the two of you talked about marriage and kids, “we weren’t going to get married for at least a year… we discussed all these things. Along with kids, income”, etc., and at one point, “he told me he would never leave me, even if his parents had an issue with my age“.

    On one hand, he was not on the same page as you, on the other hand, the two of you talked about marriage, and so, you continued to date, “practically living together 3-4 days a week in the last 3.5 months“.  You understood that he was not ready to meet your parents (a huge step toward marriage in Indian culture), so you asked him to meet your brother instead. He refused. You argued about it, didn’t communicate for a week and then he messaged you saying that he was miserable without you. You met him, he said he was sorry, that time away from you made him realize that he loves you, that he will be telling his parents about you and that he wants to marry you.

    In September 2020 you asked him if he told his parents yet, and he said that he didn’t and that he will that week. But he didn’t. After another argument regarding him not telling his parents, he told you that “he thinks things are not going to workout… (that) he doesn’t love me and he doesn’t know if he wants to spend his life with me…  and  (that) he said he said those things to make me happy and he felt pressured.  I never pressured him to tell me he loves me and wants to marry me. After our conversation he said let’s take some space and I declined and wanted to just break it off. He agreed”.

    You reached out to him a week later, and then 1.5 months later and he didn’t answer.  On October 21 2020, you wrote: “I have deleted his number from my phone and will not contact him again.  I believe I deserve to be loved and I deserve a lot more than I was being given by him”.

    And yet, the two of you got back together in December 2020=> broke up in March 2021=> he reached out to you, saying that “he wants things to be like they were before“. You  “asked him once again to meet my parents as a way of showing me he’s in this for the long run”=> he disappeared=> you blocked him=> December 2021, you texted him and he didn’t respond=>  February 2022 you reached out to him again and he didn’t respond=> April 2022, you FaceTimed him and he answered, you got together, and “It was like we were never apart.  Our chemistry how we were was just like before“.  And yet, he told you that he is “’emotionally unavailable’ and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone at the moment”, but that he “didn’t like the idea of never talking or seeing me again”.

    At a night out, while having “one too many drinks and he starts to tell me that no matter what he does he can’t stay away from me. That I’m so good and then tells me he loves me… told me the real issue is my age…. Currently I’m 36 and he’s 30…  the family will never approve… His parents are in India. I said do you have to tell them I’m older say I’m your age. And he said ‘come on now, you don’t look 30, you look mature’…. He told me he can’t guarantee anything.  Then he said he feels pressure to say what I want to hear when he sees me upset and then he regrets it later…  I told him this is the last time he’s seeing me and I don’t want him to ever text and call me.  I left and I blocked him everywhere”.

    You closed your July 20, 2022 original post with “I’m heart broken. I’ve been madly in love with him for the last 2.5 yrs.  The mature comment kept replaying in my head over and over… if I was skinny would age matter?…  Is he shallow and embarrassed about what I look like and cares to much about what people will think?…   I just made excuses he was immature.  But now he’s stated a reason”.

    My current understanding/ theory: you wrote Oct 2020, “Before even starting to talk we talked about this and age didn’t matter to either of us, he always thought I looked much younger than I am anyways“- When it was just him looking at you, he saw you as a young woman to whom he was intensely attracted.

    July 2022, you wrote, “he said ‘come on now, you don’t look 30, you look mature‘”- when he sees you not with his own eyes- but with his parents’ eyes (their thoughts, their perceptions)- you look old.

    “(he) told me the real issue is my age…. Currently I’m 36 and he’s 30…  the family will never approve“- I think that he approves of the relationship with you, but his parents (in his mind) do not approve of it. He’s known his parents for a long time, when he lived with them in India and since, and he knows what they approve of and what they do not approve of. I imagine that they are quite judgmental and rigid in their thinking, and that he heard many, many times about what they disapprove of, so he knows that they will not approve of you. Or he knows that they will disapprove of any woman whom they didn’t choose for him.

    I think that (1) he’s been conflicted all along and that (2) you cannot extricate a man’s parents from his brain. They became part of him, a part that is in conflict with… him.

    I’m in a very dark place, feeling hideous and ‘mature‘”- from re-reading what you shared and processing it, it is clear to me that when he’s been looking at you with his eyes only, you’ve never been hideous or old, but perhaps the hottest woman he has ever been with.

    Why do I constantly keep going back when I know it won’t end well“- you were very much encouraged by his love and desire for you (when these were not put aside by the mental representatives of his parents “living” in his brain.

    I don’t have the energy or strength to start over again. I feel betrayed but I feel like I did it to myself. I don’t know where to go from here“- before I respond to this, can you tell me what you think about my current understanding?

    anita

    #404298
    Rammi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,
    <p class=”p2″><span class=”s2″>Honestly I’m not sure what to make of this. On one hand I feel he would know all along what his parents approve of or not from the beginning.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>And now to say they wouldn’t approve after 2.5 yrs without even taking to them doesn’t make sense to me. It could be possible that he was conflicted that can explain the so much off and on but it’s so selfish of him not to share his thoughts and keep me in the dark when he spoke to his sister over a year ago. If he truly does find me attractive and love me why won’t he be willing to at least try? Or fight for us? He did say his parents will eventually live with him, which I assured him won’t be a problem with me as it’s a norm in our culture. I just feel he’s a coward who won’t stand by me. </span></p>

    #404299
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rammi:

    It could be possible that he was conflicted that can explain the so much off and on“- he was conflicted, no doubt. It means he did not go about the relationship with you in a cold-hearted, planned evil kind of way. He went about it impulsively, often giving in to passion.

    but it’s so selfish of him not to share his thoughts and keep me in the dark“- and yes, he went about the relationship selfishly. He didn’t keep you in the dark though: he told you right from the beginning, “He said he’s not the same page” as you. (or was it a typo in your writing, did you mean to say that he said that he was on the same page as you?)

    “And now to say they wouldn’t approve after 2.5 yrs without even taking to them doesn’t make sense to me”- like I suggested, I think that he knew all along that they will not approve because they shared with him repeatedly, I assume, what they would approve of in regard to a wife, and what they will not approve of.

    “He did say his parents will eventually live with him, which I assured him won’t be a problem with me as it’s a norm in our culture”- but you couldn’t assure him that it wouldn’t be a problem with his parents to live with you as his wife. Plus, it would have been very much a problem with you (and with him) if they disapproved of you every day of your lives together.

    “If he truly does find me attractive and love me why won’t he be willing to at least try? Or fight for us?”- because he doesn’t want to fight against his parents. He finds you attractive, but in his mind, his parents are very powerful: he wants their approval more than he wants you.

    I just feel he’s a coward who won’t stand by me“- it is very, very common in the Indian culture for a boy to be trained since childhood to be loyal to his parents and to follow their plan to live with him when he gets married.  And because the custom is that parents live with  their son and his wife, parents want to be the ones choosing the wife, so that their lives with the wife is pleasant for them. Quite selfish on the part of the parents, isn’t it?

    anita

    #404300
    Rammi
    Participant

    Hi,

    yes that was a typo, he told me he wanted the same things I do.  That’s why we were able to talk about marriage and kids and where we would live.  The last day I saw him, we spent the day together and we were talking about his sister getting married. I asked him if his parents chose the guy and he said no she found him on a dating app.  He then went on to say that his parents left it up to them to find someone, which leads me to believe he’s hiding behind his parents as an excuse to save face.

    #404302
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rammi:

    We are both doubting his honesty, don’t we. I am guessing that sometimes he tells the truth and sometimes he lies. It’s hard to separate truths from lies when putting together everything he ever told you. This is why it’s important to focus on a person non-verbal communication. Clearly he felt very passionate about you for long periods of time, clearly he was conflicted, clearly he was repeatedly dishonest with you and clearly he was selfish.

    I am sorry, Rammi. I am guessing that you didn’t want to see all of him, the way he is, the selfish, dishonest parts, right?

    anita

     

    #404304
    Rammi
    Participant

    Yes I didn’t, because I hadn’t ever experienced that kind of chemistry or love with anyone before. So I excused his behavior as immaturity and thought in the end love concours all.  But off course I was wrong.  I know there’s no going back to him after this.  Whether he was honest or not it’s over for me.  In the end he didn’t love me enough or else we would be together.  The difference between the rest of the times and this time is that I choose to walk away this time.  I could have easily continued whatever this was and kept getting hurt in the process.  I think mentally and physically it was all taking a toll on me. Where I realized it’s always been me fighting and trying and I realized that it will never work unless two people put in equal effort.   Even after realizing all this, it still hurts very much. I cry myself to sleep most nights. I told myself I would try and date other people and move on but I find it so hard to even keep up a conversation because I lose interest. I think about him everyday. I decided to work on myself but also can’t find the strength to do that.  I had low self esteem to begin with but after hearing him make that comment and the possibility of his love not being true is eating me up inside. I don’t know what to do or how to make things better for myself.

    #404305
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rammi:

    As hurt as you are, your thinking is rational and mature. I am impressed, although I am not happy that you are so hurt. You can learn a bit more from what happened with him and rise to a level of wisdom you didn’t have before. I will be away from the computer for an hour or a few hours.

    anita

    #404312
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rammi:

    I want to re-read all your posts first thing tomorrow morning and reply further (in about 10 hours from now).

    anita

    #404315
    Rammi
    Participant

    I understand what you’re saying. I have no intentions of speaking to him again.  But there’s this voice in my head that is not accepting things how they happened. Even though I feel he told me there’s no guarantee of a future I feel the love of my life is incomplete. A part of me wishes he wakes up tomorrow and realizes the mistake he’s made and fixes it.  But that’s just me being hopeful.

    #404316
    Rammi
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. I always appreciate your feedback and analysis

    #404320
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Rammi. I will be back to you in the morning. I hope you have a restful night!

    anita

    #404329
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rammi:

    I reread all your posts on your 3 threads and I want to bring up a few things that I noticed:

    1) “I asked him why he said all those things to me a month ago? He said he didn’t want to lose me. I asked him if he’s ok with losing me now?“- paraphrased, he told you, as I understand it, that he lied to you before because if he told you the truth, he would have lost you. Your response to him (the italicized) suggests to me that all you heard was the losing-you part, not realizing that he just told you, paraphrased, that he lied to you. So the issue of him LYING was not addressed before the relationship resumed in Oct 2020, or after (?)

    2) “So I got frustrated at the whole situation and told him not to call me till he tells his parents. The next day no call or text from him,  I called him in the evening and was just upset that he wouldn’t even try and talk to me”- it is understandable that you were emotional, and it seems that driven by strong emotion, being impulsive, you did not act in alignment with your words: you told him to not call you before he tells his parents, he didn’t, but you called him the evening after.

    “he said let’s take some space and I declined and wanted to just break it off.  He agreed… I reached out to him a week after , he didn’t answer, I reached out again last week (1.5 month later)”- again, driven by strong emotion, you wanted a total and final breakup only to ..  not act in alignment with what you told him.

    3) “we had little arguments but nothing major…after the argument of meeting my brother, he didn’t call or text me for a week. I asked him if he’s going to stop talking to me over an argument… he told me he didn’t want to spend the weekend with me and that he did just so we wouldn’t argue and he said he said those things to make me happy and he felt pressured… why is he breaking up with me after a good weekend together, over an argument.  He told me he would never leave me… broke up over a stupid argument in March 2021.. I wrote a text to him calling him a coward and always running awayI called him a p****“-

    – your anger is understandable, but I wonder if within the context of relationships you are argumentative/ combative? Being argumentative in a relationship is counterproductive and unnecessary. It does not solve problems nor does it resolve conflicts. All it does is pressure the other party and promotes dishonesty because the other party is inclined to say whatever it takes to calm and appease the arguing party, including lying.. as well as  leaving/ running away from the combative person altogether.

    In your first thread, regarding the strictly long-distance boyfriend, you wrote: “Every time I’d want to talk about what he did, he told me I can’t take your lectures and to stop bringing up the past over and over, when I was just trying to get some closure”- that guy repeatedly lied to you, and was wrong for you in more than one way, so I don’t value much of what he said. But no one lies all the time. I wonder if there is truth in the boldfaced, here (?)

    Back to your current thread: “I’m not skinny… if I was skinny would age matter?… Is he shallow and embarrassed about what I look like…  There were def so many signs that something is not right. The constant breaking up over nothing“- what if the constant breaking up is not about you not being younger or skinny enough, and what if it is not over nothing: what if it is partly because of frequent, small and big arguments that you initiate, is it?

    anita

    #404363
    Rammi
    Participant

    I don’t think the break up’s is about the arguments. The 1st time ever he disappeared on me for a week was when I asked him to meet my brother. When I say argument we aren’t yelling at each other or cursing. We just disagree. For the most part he doesn’t say anything, they are short and braid because I ask a question and he doesn’t have an answer and he doesn’t express anything and it’s frustrating. It seems like he ran away every time family came up. Either his or mine. Because meeting each others family or involving them meant the next step which now hind site I see he never was ready for or wanted or knew his parents would not accept. One or all. Which brings me back to the questions of not knowing what is true and being led on for 2.5 years. Him never being clear about what he wants and expressing himself. When we had arguments/disagreements it was respectful. We didn’t yell or curse or get physical.  I believe towards the end when he ignored me and wouldn’t even have a conversation with me that I felt I deserved with the time we have spent together. I texted him calling him a coward was the 1st time I name called. 2nd instance was the last time I saw him I called him a pussy which is the same As a coward and I stand by that. I think the breakups were his way of not dealing with me, or dealing with his guilt because he knew what he was doing and how selfish he had been with me. It’s easier to run away then to deal with a problem.  All couples have small arguments, we didn’t have an argument every time  we saw each other.   But every time we did have an argument he chose to walk away because it was just the easier thing for him to do.  Once again selfish because he didn’t ever think about me in the situation.

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